‘MasterChef’ Recap: You Have Not Mastered Risotto, But Please Cook This Firecracker
ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS.
The fircracker!!!! That goddamn firecracker.
The reveal we've all been waiting for…? #MasterChefAU pic.twitter.com/ORiBULqqXQ
— #MasterChefAU (@masterchefau) May 3, 2017
Yep, there it is. You might be a little confused about the firecracker — I know I am! — because MasterChef only started about 30 seconds ago, so for the contestants to be learning how to make firecrackers instead of doing basic kitchen stuff feels a little ludicrous.
But after all, this is Matt Preston’s world and we’re just living in it!!
“Light my fire.”
The judges still haven’t figured out which 24 people they can push to the brink of exhaustion yet, so the remaining hopefuls are competing for one last apron!
The people who have aprons already clap in a very smug manner. The wannabe contestants walk into the warehouse. “We love to see that! A bit of pace when you come into the kitchen,” says Gary, of the six people who were walking normally towards him.
“Look we’re under a lot of ratings pressure at the moment, we really need to spice things up.”
Matt Preston says that today there is someone “really unique” coming in. “They’re very, very special!” he says, laughing. The task will be administered by none other than the “rebel diva of desserts”: Adriano Zumbo!
Oh wait, Zumbo probably won’t be on the show for a while. It’s a cool lady named Anna Polyviou! We’ll get to that firecracker later. (No, not that firecracker.) (I mean her, like she’s effervescent like a firecracker.) (You know, like that Katy Perry song.) (I don’t even like Katy Perry.)
Anyway, the way Matt Preston is talking about Anna Polyviou suggests he thinks she’s the biggest wildcard weirdo he’s ever encountered. I can only assume this is because Anna has a mohawk, something I don’t find particularly notable. But perhaps that is because I’m a Punk Princess.
“I would compare her to a summer’s day — jk she’s mega weird!!!”
“Guys, I can’t even tell you how weird she is.”
“Seriously, I’m a bit concerned tbh.”
Anna Polyviou comes out and the contestants go nuts! Anna seems very relaxed and unfazed by the people screaming around her. “I know your craziness!!!!” says George. She has a mohawk after all! If she won’t conform to regular hairstyles, what else has she got planned!
“WE LOVE YOU ANNA!!!!”
“I know.”
The excited judges make a big show of being like, “HEY, WHAT’S THAT NOISE ANNA!!” at which point Anna reveals that she has brought a lit firecracker because that is the task. To make a firecracker. Firecrackers aren’t food?
No one can quite believe it.
“Food”.
“I love to be challenged by a competition that hasn’t even accepted me yet.”
“Kill me.”
The contestants are shook. “Hahaha, it’s funny isn’t it?” says George. They agree that it’s a bit funny. “STOP LAUGHING!” says George. They stop immediately. The contestants are getting a lot of mixed messages this episode.
They crack open the firecracker and it’s full of the blood from a very specific type of bat that you can only hunt one night of year, when the moon is at its — just kidding, it’s just jelly and cake and stuff. The contestants are very shocked though, as if it is full of rare bat blood.
“I swear to god kids, you better not fuck this up.”
“Mmm so delicious, couldn’t we learn how to make a Mars Bar slice first, or.”
Safe to say, the contestants are nervous! There are a lot of “textures and flavours” in this dish. Also: it’s a firecracker! Didn’t some of these people struggle with like, rice and dumpling dishes? OK sure, let’s see what they do with a firecracker.
“It’s all in the details,” says George helpfully. There are 76 steps in this recipe.
A man named Arum does not know how he can give more, but he is going to try to give more! I dunno Arum, if you didn’t impress Maggie Beer with your meat and veg, I really do fear for you. Let’s ride this one out anyway.
A lady named Christina said it has taken her years to apply for MasterChef because she thought she would “crack under the pressure”. Same!
A bespectacled man named Brandon is “quite happy and comfortable” with the dish. Anna is one of his idols! I mean I’ve only known who she is for 10 minutes, but same? Brandon puts peanuts and chocolate in a food processor. Onlookers clap.
It looks like the faeces of a very sick dog.
Yum.
By the way, the show continually found reasons to zoom in on Anna’s sneakers during the episode, I guess to illustrate how wacky crazy she is.
Wa-hey!
Arum has been cooking for approximately 30 seconds and has already burned a saucepan of milk, so that bodes well. “Remember to read the recipe and just don’t … leave things,” says Anna in concern. Anna uses a tone that suggests she thinks Arum should not be left alone near an open flame, unfortunate given that Arum is cooking a firecracker.
Then Arum does it again.
“I swear to you Anna, from this day forward I will never burn milk again.”
“Interesting.”
Arum does not take his eyes off that fucking pot and on the third attempt he does not ruin the warm milk. “I finally manage to do the simple task of heating up milk without splitting it,” says Arum. Oh, Arum.
“MAKE IT HAPPEN!” George yells at the contestants.
“Yeah, okay” the contestants say.
Brandon’s food dream is to open a patisserie, so he is extremely relaxed. Until he looks at his roasted chocolate mouse!!
Apparently it’s not meant to look like this.
“It looks… OK,” says Anna. Uh oh.
Judging you.
“HALFWAY THROUGH!!!” says Gary, grinning sadistically. The contestants move brown sludge from one container to another container. “Arum, WHAT’S THAT!” says an onlooker. “Cocoa butter!” he says. It’s all happening folks.
Christina is like, “Ah, Anna? Can you come over here?” Something has gone badly wrong. George practically runs to see what went wrong. George lives for this sort of drama. “WHAT’S THAT” he says pointing to something that looks like crystallised vomit.
“Doesn’t look much like a firecracker to me, Christina.”
Anna says, “Can you do a favour for me?” “Yes, “ says Christina. “Read the recipe for me,” says Anna. Everyone starts sweating profusely from the stress of it all. It turns out that Christina has not added cocoa BUTTER to her mixture but instead added cocoa powder. Christina chucks it out, because she must.
Bored, Gary comes over to see how badly she’s fucked it up. Unfortunately for Gary it seems as though Christina is moving on swiftly from her blunder after some nurturing from Anna. Gary is so disappointed.
“Hmm no mistakes seems to be happening over here anymore.”
“Ima just wander over here and look for some.”
The judges wander over to Arum. “How much do you want it, Arum????” says Matt Preston. Arum wants it quite a lot. “Keep pushing!” says Marr Preston.
Assembling the innards of the cracker is very fiddly and the contestants are very stressed by this juncture. “STOP, EVERYONE!” says Matt Preston. “omg,” says everyone. “… remember to read your recipe,” he says. Everyone like, “omg can you relax, jesus!!!”
EXCEPT this advice was actually very important, because Emily forgets to put the crunchy bit on the bottom of her firecracker! A common firecracker blunder. There is no way to rectify this.
“Uh oh.”
“I warned you, fam.”
“All around me are familiar faces.”
Emily is devastated but holding it together. Matt Preston sidles up to her next to the microwave to comfort her, or to attempt to anyway.
“Hey u going to cry, or.”
Everyone is scooping brown muck into cylinders with wild abandon. Christina is reading the recipe and is confused about what to do “with the acetate”. Wtf is acetate? This task is a joke. I googled acetate and this is what I found:
Delicious!
Christina puts the transfer paper wrapping in the tube. Everyone on the sidelines looks concerned, because it’s not what you’re meant to do.
This bloke is especially concerned.
“I don’t want to tell you how to cook a firecracker, BUT…”
“DON’T GIVE UP!” George screams to the room. Everyone decides that they will not give up, and they continue to cook. Thanks George.
The people on the sidelines have now realised that Christina has put the transfer on the mousse instead of the chocolate shell. Christina does not realise this until she sort of limply rolls her mousse log in melted chocolate and it doesn’t instantly turn into a firecracker.
The cook is done! Everyone lies and pretends they had the best time of their lives. Christina is just relieved that she’s plated something. She’s so happy! “Did you leave the paper on the wrapping?” asks another contestant.
“Ah,” says Christina.
“So what you’re saying is that paper is not in the recipe.”
Christina cries and it is very sad.“If you had this recipe at home it would be so different,” says George. “Yeah,” says Christina. Why would she ever be cooking a firecracker at home.
In the end, it is Arum who is triumphant, managing to recreate the dish without injuring himself or others. The judges celebrate by making angry faces at him and his dish.
“Let’s be honest – that could have been a finale dish!”says Gary. Yeah, no shit Gary. George tells the other contestants to rack off and suddenly we have our MasterChef Top 24!
God help them.
:/
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MasterChef is on almost every night tbh, at 7.30 on Channel Ten.