Masterchef Finale Recap: Let Them Eat Levitating Pillows

Are you trying to kill me? Are you trying to murder me with this?

ARE YOU????

Whatever, we’ll get to that nonsense later. It’s the MasterChef 2018 finale! I’m already crying excessively! It’s Jen-dying-in-Dawson’s-Creek-level tears over here! Spoilers!

We’re out here funding food dreams people, so it’s time to meet the final two. Sashi can’t believe where he is. He says that he and the other finale contestant, Ben, have become great friends and the he admires Ben’s passion for food. Sashi immediately marks himself as too good for this competition and perhaps any competition. Ben had to “postpone major surgery” to be on the show, something I’m sure that the judges deem extremely necessary in one’s pursuit of their food dream. Everyone has their priorities exactly right.

Also, Ben is said to have “an amazing way with fish” which is exciting to say the least.

The men enter the kitchen as the jealous ex-contestants clap in an extremely jealous fashion from the balcony. “WELCOME TO MASTERCHEF 2018!” says Gary. Gary explains that this event is more important than the Olympics or climbing Mt. Everest. Frankly, I couldn’t agree more.

Gary is wearing a nice bow tie and his hair is styled in the exact correct direction (straight up). He looks like the fanciest boy at the Grade 6 disco. George is still wearing those bracelets that look like they’ve come from one of those DIY beading kits that were advertised during Saturday Disney. Matt looks like a man at a Jefferson Airplane show who hands you a ‘special’ lemonade that causes you to see your hands bloom into pumpkins.

They look great, is what I’m saying.

The judges ask the contestants how they feel. Sashi says that he’s very tired. Everyone laughs. George reminds Ben that he has been up for elimination in this competition a bunch of times. You must have put up some pretty shit dishes, hey Ben! Everyone laughs.

Then, to heighten the tension in the room, the judges open the doors and release a pack of wild jackals. Just kidding, it’s just Sashi and Ben’s families. Everyone cries. Sashi’s two kids are immediately the most important people in the episode, and take turns loudly saying that they’re “speechless”.

Ben’s wife cries and says that she’s proud of how far he has come. “He has learnt more than any other contestant!” says Matt, in case you forgot for a second that Ben cooks bad food sometimes.

The judges warn that the first surprise of the day is one of those TERRIBLE, CRAZY surprises that surprises you so much that it feels like your skull is on fire — oh wait, it’s just that they’re doing two tasks instead of three.

“These ingredients aren’t just any ingredients!” Gary says. “Some of them are laced with poison and you have to guess which ones! Haha, just kidding they are just ingredients that you have cooked well in the past!” The contestants nod, indicating their comprehension of what Gary has said. “You cook well when you use them,” George explains, just in case.

“It’s simple, you bring us the best food you have ever cooked,” George says, a man who is still talking.

They have 90 minutes! Ben’s strategy is to “cook quickly” and “be organised”. George charges over to Ben’s station. “Ben, what are you doing!” he yells. What Ben is doing, is making a crab on avocado cream or something. For his main he is making peas and fish.

“I want that fish to be stunning!!!!” says Gary, salivating. Gary wants this to be the most attractive and sensual fish he has ever encountered! Gary wants to kiss this fish!

Sashi is making sambal prawn heads and fish curry. His strategy is to cook everything at once. Sashi’s two kids keep yelling at him, “DAD WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW” and not once does Sashi say, “look, rack off kids” because he is a supremely patient man.

But here’s the thing about kids: kids like to take advantage of being on TV. Kids are great like that. These two kids — legends, MVPs of the episode — know that they have to say something to get the attention/camera on them. “It smells nice!” yells the eldest kid. “Yeah,” says the youngest one. “… it smells like home.”

Everyone melts. The kid has done it.

Ben has to peel his disgusting crabs, demon kings of sea trash (I hate seafood). “CHOP CHOP CHOP!” yells a lady who didn’t get into the final. Ben makes a bowl of crab and avocado and mayonnaise in the texture of melted ice cream, which looks extremely chic and very disgusting. I would never eat this beautiful dish, but then again as a child I used to put peanut butter on Weetbix as a snack so I don’t think I have what is widely considered “good taste”.

The judges eat the crab liquid. They are disappointed as they want more chunks of crab meat in their mayo (yeuchhhhhhh). Sashi’s prawn heads are next! “I DON’T WANT TO TALK, I JUST WANT TO EAT,” says George, which coincidentally is the title of my autobiography, available August 2020.

The judges make sounds of deep, guttural revulsion which means they love it. George says, “Look at my head!” His head is very sweaty, which means that the dish is good.

Ben is frying his fish for the next course and then the unthinkable happens — a bit of the batter falls off one of the pieces of fish. Funeral music starts playing. People weep. “Oh NOOO!!!!!!” Matt Preston says, hand over his eyes, as if he cannot even look at Ben’s batter-less fish, as if just a peek at it will make his eyes melt out of his head with sorrow.

Man, that fish must look like a real disaster, must be a real –

Ah, well. Both men finish their “home-style” dishes (home-style=death of art!!!!) and hug. “You got any sauce to go with it?” says Sashi politely, looking at Ben’s fish. “That’s it,” says Ben.

Sashi, horrified by Ben’s lack of sauce, tries to cover his horror quickly by just saying loud words. “FLAVOUR, MAN!” he says.

Sashi presents his dish. The judges love the sauce. “I WANT MORE PICKLES!” says George. Ben’s turn! The judges compliment him on choosing to serve his dish on “black plates” which doesn’t bode well.

Sashi — inventor of cooking — gets an almost perfect score. Ben does not. “There’s never been a gap like this in MasterChef history!” says George, helpfully. Ben looks as though he wants to deep fry his own innards, but announces he’s going to “fight” all the same.

Huh, this is kind of nice isn’t it? Two nice blokes, cooking the kind of food you’d eat at home. Just normal stuff, done well. Which is what cooking should be, really. The food without the frills.

Then in comes this motherfucker.

“When you see this challenge dish, you will want to perish, truly you’ll hate yourself,” says Matt. Heston points at the balcony like he’s in fucking Aerosmith or something. George laughs himself silly at how much he is in love with Heston.

“Heston, you’ve made us some truly ridiculous finale dishes that everyone hates,” says Matt. “What’s next?” Heston pauses. “Something really hard,” he says. Oh yeah? What’s it going to be this time, Heston? A vapour that tastes like chicken nuggets with the texture of childbirth? A rock that feels like orange juice and tastes like regret?

Heston says that this dish took him 15 years to develop, which coincidentally, is also the time it took to invent the spring-free trampoline — an invention that people find useful, as it stops children severing their fingers.

This is to say, Heston’s dish made me want to sever my own fingers as it was a fucking floating pillow.

You motherfucker.

I can’t tell you how furious I am about this. The men look blankly at the space pillow. Heston smiles. The ex-contestants weep silently. The judges blink. A cat outside farts. The floating pillow continues to rotate.

George thinks it’s an “honour” to cook this dish, yes a real treat to have to cook a pillow, thanks George. Ben starts assembling the dish, which is made up of chemicals in little plastic containers, just like mama used to make.

Ben starts working on his lychee fluid gel for the mousses inside the — oh heck, I don’t know, he’s doing a lot of whisking that’s for sure. “GET YOUR CORIANDER GEL IN THE FRIDGE!!!” screams George. This is madness.

Sashi is having a great time and announces that “liquid nitrogen is my best friend now”. Ben is having a bad time because he has made the classic cooking blunder of putting too much Maltodextrin in his cake.

“THIRTY SECONDS!!!” says George, eyes rolling back in his head with madness. Both men plate up their white spheres. Angelic music plays. Perhaps we’re all dead now.

Sashi enters the judging area. “You have one of the greatest chefs on the planet in front of you Sashi!” says Gary.

Well guess what Heston, perhaps it is YOU who is lucky to be in the same room as Sashi. Sashi is the winner!!!!! George laughs! Julie Goodwin cries! We are all so happy.

I will never forgive this man for as long as I live.