‘Love Island’ Recap #5: Somebody Please Kiss This Man

Because there are only so many episodes of Queer Eye available, here we are watching Love Island.

Haha, nah it’s okay. It’s okay!

Yeah, it’s okay. Back at the Love Island villa, it is but another day in Spain, where the sunsets are beautiful, the water bottles are plenty and everyone speaks English. Ah, the exotic majesty of Spain! I can’t get enough.

Cassidy has been sent home and she seems fine with it.

Cassidy, you are better off! Everyone is upset, mostly. “Love Island, eh?” says Millie. You’re not wrong, Millie! Erin thinks that Cassidy should have stayed on the show, because she had gone through enough and had finally developed the strength of character to tell everyone what she really thought. She had become a strong and independent Cassidy. “Who is that person?” Erin says, in admiration.

“… I made her,” says Erin, answering herself.

Erin and Eden agree that there are many other “fuckheads” who deserved to go instead of Cassidy. “I’d rather be fighting with someone right now than crying,” says Erin. Erin and Eden discuss Erin’s problem with aggression. Just kidding! I don’t know what they do.

On the other side of the pool, the other women congratulate each other on Cassidy leaving while pretending to be distressed about it. “I feel like that was really respectful,” Millie says. “Yeah,” say the other women. “I wasn’t going to say, ‘Haha, see you later’,” says Tayla. “Yeah,” say the other women.

“I wouldn’t do that,” says someone.

The menfolk stare at a man and a woman lying on a couch. Their names are Josh and Amelia. The men speculate as to whether Josh will pluck up the courage to kiss Amelia. They’re worried that her head is at an awkward angle for kissies. “He needs to put her head up so he can crack it,” says Grant.

No one is more worried about Josh getting kissed than Grant. Grant acts as if Josh not getting kissed is the greatest human rights violation of the 21st Century. “I hope he does for fuck sake, that’s all I want for that poor bastard,” says Grant, visibly upset.

Unfortunately for Grant, it’s not going well for Josh. Amelia says to Josh, “It’s good we’re taking things slow”. “We’re not taking things that slow!!!” says Josh in panic, as if he has unknowingly entered a contract that ensures no kissies. “But we know that we have to wait until it’s right to kiss,” explains Amelia. “Right now it’s right?” says Josh.

“No,” says Amelia.

Later on, Erin is pumicing Eden’s foot. She sloughs off the dead skin on his toes. “I love people touching my feet,” says Eden. Eden continues to shed.

Suddenly, downstairs: Josh and Amelia kiss! The wait is over. For some reason, the footage of them kissing is cut with footage of Erin exfoliating Eden’s foot? Erin only stops grating his feet long enough to clap Josh and Amelia’s kiss. I don’t know what the show is trying to communicate with this juxtaposition, but I’m here for it.

Josh is overjoyed! “It seriously felt like something from a movie!” he explains to Erin and Eden. “It was so good because it was in a towel!” Josh is especially happen because it is the first time in the house that someone has kissed him without it being a dare which, okay, I can see why being kissed in a towel would feel like a movie then.

Many people go to bed happy. Josh and Amelia continue to make out. Dom and Millie make out. Grant and Tayla tell each other they love each other, and then make out to celebrate. The other singles are ensconced in misery. It all happens in the same room.

The next day, Josh explains to Grant that he feels really good and that Amelia gives him a “burning feeling inside” but in a good way? So the opposite of thrush, maybe? “She’s a fox!” Josh says to someone. “She turns me on,” he clarifies. Josh knows about sex guys, don’t even worry about it! Haha, yeah he is a chill dude who fucks, it’s cool. He’s done being weird about Amelia though, he’s gonna just be relaxed about the fact that he was kissed and–

“Never say the sky is the limit because I think it’s obvious that the sky is not the limit in the universe,” — Josh. Oh?

Everyone is in love! Erin wants to know if she and Eden will be Facebook official! Grant checks with Tayla that, “If we do stay together when we’re 60, we’re gonna have sex ”! Tayla says that Grant knew he loved her when he realised that he wanted to kill someone for her! “What a cutie!” says Millie.

Then for some reason, the producers decide that it could be interesting to send Grant, Teddy and Josh ‘fishing’ for the contestant’s ‘lunch’. I cannot fathom that this storyline made it into the episode, because that means there was worse footage than three men pretending to go fishing.

There is not much happening in the villa. Three of the girls are doing some sort of exercise where you have to lift your hips off the ground, which must somehow make you beautiful. Millie explains that she made out with Dom, but didn’t like when he bit her ear. It made her too excited, which she didn’t want to be. “Yeah, that makes me horny,” Tayla says. “Yeah, that make me horny,” also says the other girl in the scene.

Elsewhere Jaxon decides to do something special for a girl named Shelby. “Entertaining is my passion,” says Jaxon. When Teddy returns, Jaxon practices a strip tease for him that he is hoping to perform on Shelby. “She’s going to be so impressed,” whispers Teddy, for some reason.

Shelby is shocked that Jaxon is performing a strip tease for her in front of the whole house. “I’m going to cry!” she says, as Jaxon gyrates on top of her. Jaxon finally tires himself out.

“Thank you,” Shelby says.

To show her appreciation, Shelby puts oil on Jaxon’s back to give him a massage. Jaxon doesn’t really want a massage, but wants to kiss her, so he does. “Thank you,” Shelby says.

Anyway — tonight is a re-coupling! Because it’s not Friend Island! This is about love! Not friends! Love! Teddy worries that he won’t have a couple, so he urgently pursues Millie. He decides to woo her by asking her what she thinks happens after we die. “Finally, someone who actually wants to talk about things!” says Millie. Poor Millie.

The ceremony begins! To the victors, the responsibility of furthering the cause of heterosexual courtship as an example to us all! To the losers, something else! Sophie Monk enters the villa. “You look bangin’, Soph!” one of the men says. “It’s all gaffer tape!” says Sophie Monk, in her usual self-deprecating way. Then she changes her mind and decides to be passive aggressive.

“That’s what happens with real boobs, they’re annoying!” she says.

Anyway, girls line up and men in ripped jeans and linen shirts only done up halfway, stare at their shoes. Francoise is sent home! “You’ve been beautiful to watch,” says Sophie Monk, creepily.

TWO WEEKS LEFT!

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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.

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Catch up with last week’s Love Island recap here.