Culture

Ireland Legalises Ecstasy For 24 Hours By Mistake; Almost Outlaws Heterosexual Marriages, Also By Mistake

Ireland, buddy. Get it together.

Ireland’s lawmakers have had a pretty interesting 24 hours, in a “dear God, people what are you doing” kind of way. The Irish Parliament has been forced to call an emergency sitting for Tuesday night (their time) after the Irish Court of Appeal struck down a law that makes a whole bunch of drugs illegal, horrifying a nation that historically has deeply frowned upon the consumption of dangerous toxic substances.

The Court found that an amendment to the 1977 Misuse of Drugs Act that made possessing the drug methylethcathinone illegal was invalid, because it had been added to the law without consulting the Irish Parliament — but in doing so it declared the Act in its entirety unconstitutional and therefore invalid as well. Considering the law prohibits the possession and purchase of drugs like ecstasy, ketamine and magic mushrooms, technically all those drugs are legal in Ireland until a law is passed that says otherwise.

Importantly, more recognisable drugs like heroin, cocaine and marijuana are covered under a different law and are therefore still banned, and it remains illegal to supply or sell ecstasy and other technically-legal drugs. It’s the kind of once-in-a-blue-moon legal loophole that provides some mild entertainment every once in  a while — or it would be, if the Irish Parliament hadn’t belatedly realised it almost made heterosexual marriages technically illegal by mistake on the exact same day.

Ireland’s getting ready to hold a referendum on whether to legalise same-sex marriage in May, and the question that will eventually be put to voters is being crafted in two languages, English and Irish Gaelic. But the original wording of the Irish Gaelic version of the question, when translated back to English, goes like this: “A couple may, whether they are men or women, make a contract of marriage in accordance with law.”

Read one way, it implies that only couples made up of two men or two women can “make a contract of marriage,” effectively rendering every marriage licence between people of different genders unconstitutional. The government only realised how close they’d come to potentially forcing every straight married couple in the country to technically get divorced after receiving advice from lawyers and experts in Irish Gaelic. The question has since been rewritten, and the sinister architects of the secret worldwide gay agenda are reported to be furious their devious plans have been foiled.

If we’re taking bets on what Ireland’s Parliament will accidentally legalise next, my money’s on hunting the elderly for sport. It’s past time, Ireland. Be the change you want to see in the world.