Thanks to an increasingly tricky property market, share housing is here to stay. And although pop-culture likes to portray it as the ultimate expression of friendship – full of movie marathons, communal dinners and Sunday sessions – a lot of the time the truth can be anything but.

So what do you say when you and a housemate start drifting apart? When they don’t give you butterflies in your stomach? When the honeymoon phase is over? Breaking up with a housemate can be as hard as ditching a lover, so here are some tried-and-true convo scripts that will definitely– probably? Maybe? – help soften the blow. 

#1 “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

This one’s the classic for a reason. It’s hurting someone’s feelings 101: just blame yourself, not them! Call absolutely everything your fault. Blame yourself for pressuring them to do the dishes and clean up after themselves. Apologise for being too uptight and not ~chill~ enough to let them smoke indoors and tell them you were selfish for keeping all of your food to yourself!

This way, they’re guaranteed to view you as the problem and they’ll understand – welcome, even – your untimely exit from the house. “I’ve got to spend time on myself right now”, you’ll say. And they’ll want you to too.

#2 “I Just Don’t See Myself Being In A Long-Term Housing Situation Right Now.”

You just have to present yourself as being terrified of commitment! Here are some back-up sentences you might use:

“Can’t we just live in the moment and keep this as a month-to-month thing?”

“I’ve never been in a lease longer than a year – with anyone – I don’t think I could do it”

“You keep talking about our housemate anniversary coming up, and that milestone is starting to freak me out”

Again, this is presenting things as your fault. There’s nothing wrong with them! You’re moving out because of your fundamental flaws!

#3 “I’ve Just Got Too Much Baggage From Previous Sharehouses.”

Here, you’ll be portraying yourself as damaged. That previous housemates really messed you up. Maybe you caught them crashing at another friend’s house, maybe they stayed over a lot at yours a lot before they actually moved in. What is it they say? Once a share-house cheater, always a share-house cheater?

The point is, you’ll tell them that you you’ve been hurt before and you think it’ll happen again. So to protect yourself, you can’t let anyone in, including them, and that’s why you’re moving out. 

#4 “I Want To Live With Lots Of Different Housemates Before I Can Settle Down With Just One.”

“I can’t stay in just one room at this stage in my life!” you cry, “You. Are. Suffocating. Me!” Descend into hysterics! Howl to the heavens like the wolf you are and unleash all of your share house monogamy baggage onto your soon-to-be ex-housemate.

“I don’t believe in share-house soul mates,” you whisper between sobs. “How can there be just one perfect housemate out there in the whole world? How can you believe that?!”

A messy and dramatic, but effective, break up. Slam the door on your way out.

#5 “I Really Want To Protect Our Friendship”

Or you can take the considerate route.

Most housemates are friends before they move in together – and that can go south pretty quickly. Maybe you do just want to move out because you miss what you used to have with this person?

Maybe you liked having an intimate knowledge of your friend’s love life, and not their bathroom habits? And you preferred actually going out to dinner with them instead of eating their stupid pasta with pesto for the millionth time (“Pesto’s great, man, it’s just like a pre-made sauce”).

Just because you weren’t meant to be housemates doesn’t mean you weren’t meant to be friends! Now break up with them.

(Lead image: Don’t Trust The B In Apartment 23/ABC)