How To Be Sick, According To Science

Done right, getting a bug can be a short-lived regression to infancy. Done wrong and it’s a c-grade zombie film that uses up all your leave time. Winter is coming and we’re all getting sniffly, so it’s time to apply some Actual Science.

THINGS THAT WON’T WORK:

Eating fruit and vegetables

I have a friend who Instagrams pictures of pomegranates and tags them #medicine. Sorry sweetheart, it’s just an over-priced, inconveniently seedy fruit.

While studies have shown that people who maintain a good diet are slightly less likely to contract viruses, there’s no evidence that eating fruit and vegetables will do any good once the virus is in your system. Instead, eat whatever is close at hand and will give you comfort. I recommend potato gems. Also, jelly and custard will complete the “regression to childhood” thing you’ve got going on.

Watch some Rocko’s Modern Life and call for help whenever you run out of juice.

Herbal shit

Right now, you are vulnerable. That means there are any number of large multinational corporations trying to take advantage. One of the most common methods is through flogging herbal supplements that claim to boost your immune system and make you get well faster. I’m with Tim Minchin on this one: “You know what we call alternative medicine which has been proved to work? Medicine!”

But what about echinacea?

According to Harvard Medical School, echinacea has been shown to have no effect on the duration or severity of a cold and could even have dangerous side effects. All you need is good old fashioned Panadol or Asprin to keep your fever down while you get better.

THINGS THAT MIGHT WORK:

Vitamin C

The National Health Service in the UK says that one in three people believe vitamin C cures a cold. One in three people are idiots.

While this issue has been hotly debated by medical scientists for decades. the current thinking is that taking vitamin C supplements has a barely noticable effect on the duration of a cold. That means that drinking 2L of orange juice is more likely to make you fat than better.

Garlic

There have been studies identifying garlic as a potential remedy for everything from cancer to oral thrush, but there isn’t much evidence that it helps a cold. There isn’t evidence to say it doesn’t either, so you may as well try it. After all, no one’s kissing you, snot face.

Staying warm

Science has officially stated that “catching a chill” is not actually a thing. It’s just an old wives’ tale that predates germ theory. A cold wind might make your nose run but it won’t make you more vulnerable to viruses. Cold and flu are more common in winter because people are inside more, sneezing on buses and in pubs rather than out in a park or on the street.

Staying rugged-up while you recover is still a good idea. It will mean your body has more energy to focus on fighting nasties.

Cough drops

Professor Christine Jenkins, respiratory doctor at Sydney’s Concord Hospital, told the ABC that menthol lozanges could suppress the urge to cough, making you less irritating to people around you and less likely to spread infection. A teaspoon of honey has a similar effect.

Alcohol

Doctors, parents and public health officials may advise you to stay off the hooch when sick; others maintain that a stiff brandy is all you need kill the bug and clear the head. Anahad O’Connor, health reporter for the New York Times, found that alcohol won’t do any good when you’re already sick. But besides mild dehydration it won’t do any harm either. This validates what future generations will come to know as ‘Grandma Liza’s Fire Tonic’: a shot of whiskey, a tablespoon of warm water and a teaspoon of honey.

THINGS THAT WILL WORK:

Getting rest (actual rest)

No matter what advertising tells you, do not attempt to soldier on. Make the call (or send an email, nothing wrong with that) and commit to at least one sick day. I know you like your job and you’re very important but seriously, fuck it. Today it doesn’t matter, you have other concerns.

Do not attempt to work from home. Do not encourage others to let you know if there’s anything urgent. As my GP said to me, “you young people with your emailing and your twittering, when we say ‘rest’ we mean ‘REST!’”

This means you’re under house arrest. If you’re anything like me, stepping outside your front gate while sick will cause you to walk the wrong way, sign-up to a pyramid scheme and get hit by a bus. Just don’t try it. Order take away, get groceries delivered to your door, anything. Every time you leave your house you are giving the energy-sucking microbes in your system more leverage. Set yourself up on the couch and don’t move unless it’s to the bathroom or kitchen. Don’t make me set my doctor on you.

Whingeing

Had you known this would happen, you would have found a monkey butler with nursing experience — but as it stands, you may feel like you’re on your own. Friends, family and housemates are all acceptable substitutes. (Although my housemate refused to let me call him Bobo and has threatened to take away my bell.)

Hydration

Dehydration will compound your suffering, causing headaches, nausea and fatigue. But drinking more liquids than usual won’t “flush” out the system like your Gran told you it would; it will just wake you up to pee. Chicken soup (imagine the comments if I didn’t mention goddamn chicken soup?) is helpful because the water and salt content help to keep you hydrated while you digest the chicken and vegetables. Any soup will do the trick. Alcohol won’t.

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So, rest, Panadol, Rocko’s Modern Life. Because science said so.