There’s a popular phrase and hashtag that gets used quite often over on Twitter: “Not The Onion.” Basically, it alludes to a news story that’s so ridiculous or far-fetched that you have to emphasise that it’s actually real and not lifted from satirical news site The Onion.

In completely unrelated news, a couple of weeks ago The Hollywood Reporter — not, as it turns out, The Onion — confirmed one of the year’s most bizarre news stories. In the year of our Lord, 2018, ‘Hey There Delilah‘ — the acoustic ballad and sole hit by pop-punk also-rans Plain White T’s — has been officially commissioned to be turned into a TV series.

The angle, it seems, is a romantic dramedy that is being described as “a contemporary fairytale that expands the story within the song.”

The announcement has raised a plethora of questions, with most simply boiling down to some variant of “What fresh hell is this?”.

Which is an entirely valid question, too: 12 years after the song first became a hit, this announcement feels anachronistic and fruitless in its endeavour to squeeze more life out of a mostly-forgotten hit from the era.

How and why exactly they’re planning to make an entire series out of a three-minute song is anyone’s guess — especially one that’s got a somewhat creepy, stalker-like narrative, either — but it’s worth pointing out the core idea itself isn’t entirely without merit.

There are plenty of songs — even from 2006 alone — that would light up the screen in a way that ‘Hey There Delilah’ simply couldn’t. And they wouldn’t have the predatory sentiments, either.

To put this hypothesis into practice, here are six tracks that we are hereby going to pitch to any network that will listen.

---

Beyoncé — ‘Irreplaceable’

Premise: ‘Hey There Delilah’ is presumably going to be about how Delilah and…whoever the Plain White T’s guy is (let’s call him Mr. White?) came to meet, and how they came to be in a long distance relationship.

It’ll all be very wholesome and…well, plain. And white too, while we’re at it. But Irreplaceable the TV show is going to be about the end of a relationship. It’s going to be smart and fun and also empowering, as we get to watch our leading lady finally move on and blossom in her new life. To the left!

Potential Cast: Eyeing off Nailed It’s Nicole Byer for the lead — she has the attitude and the look. And after that Insatiable mess, we need to show that a fat girl can be desirable and beautiful and dominant. We also need to look for the ex and the new beau — how about Trevante Rhodes and Daniel Kaluuya? Both could work for either part. We’ll work out details once we’ve got their names on the dotted line.

---

The Killers — ‘Sam’s Town’

Premise: The title track to The Killers’ huge 2006 album is a perfect overture for one of the decade’s more ambitious widescreen rock albums. Think about it: the lost hopes and dreams of an isolated town out west. It’s begging to be brought to life.

Sam’s Town would be high drama, probably a few big show-tunes, camp as hell but totally addictive — much like the album it’s from. Somewhere between Nashville and Westworld, with a bit of thriller suspense thrown in for good measure.

Potential Cast: Seems like a no-brainer to give the lead to Brandon Flowers, doesn’t it? Also we’d have to get Mickey Rourke involved somehow — he proved in Enrique’s video for ‘Hero’ that he belongs in something Western-oriented like this.

Also what’s Charlize Theron up to? She saved Flowers’ arse in his video for ‘Crossfire’, after all…

---

Teddy Geiger — ‘For You I Will’

Premise: Forever assigned to “forgotten hits” playlists, ‘For You I Will’ was the debut single from aspiring pin-up heartthrob Teddy Geiger.

After getting out of that side of the game, Geiger later returned as a songwriter to the stars. The surprise twist to this story is that Geiger came out as trans last year, meaning her sole hit single is ripe for reinterpretation and a whole new context. For You I Will could be a killer high-school dramedy that deals head-on with LGBT issues — similar to Glee in that sense, but with a few more home truths and less AutoTune.

Potential Cast: Maybe a couple of names to fill out the faculty lounge — a Stephen Tobolowsky or a Sally Field, perhaps — but the main cast should all be young LGBT actors and this show should be their big break.

---

AFI — ‘Miss Murder’

Premise: Do you remember how cool the video was for this banger? With a haircut that defined a generation and enough mall-goth majesty to keep the economy afloat for at least another couple of years, ‘Miss Murder’ was all about the grandiose, dark aesthetic.

If we get this bad boy commissioned, let’s make an animated series (old-school of course, nothing 3D) where we can properly explore this surreal universe in which Davey is some sort of dictator, the band all live in this cushy mansion and there are mysterious women with rabbits all about the place.

Potential Cast: AFI voicing themselves, Amy Lee from Evanescence voicing the mysterious woman and old mate Gerard Way from MCR voicing the rabbit.

---

Nelly Furtado — ‘Maneater’

Premise: The reinvention of Nelly Furtado in the middle of the decade from wholesome singer-songwriter type to nympho pop queen was so sudden and surprising that it felt like a smash-cut from one career to the next.

While it was ‘Promiscuous’ that signalled this change, it was ‘Maneater’ that cemented it — to this day, Furtado has never made a song so self-assured and with such swagger to it. The show Maneater is going to reflect on the woman herself — an innocent girl-next-door type is caught up in the grimy underbelly by accident, but rather than shy away or fear it she ends up ruling it.

Potential Cast: Zendaya would be perfect for the lead role. Plenty of potential to throw in a mix of people to play the underground/underworld figures — maybe Brett Gelman or Jason Mantzoukas for the villain? Of course, we’ll work out cameos for Furtado and Timbaland. They’re executive producing, after all.

---

Muse — ‘Supermassive Black Hole’

Premise: Three words, people: HORNY. IN. SPACE. Are you after something deep and meaningful about travelling the universe? This ain’t it. It’s a whole bunch of good looking astronauts getting busy, then saving the world, then getting busy again. Think of it as Baywatch with asteroids. Boom.

Potential Cast: We need a whole bunch of real good looking people for this one, who can also get a little freaky. Janelle Monae is obviously top of the list — that’s her Venn diagram. Let’s also throw in Michael B. Jordan, Devon Aoki and — just for the fuck of it — Pete Davidson.

Get some Big Dick Energy up in the solar system, see what happens.

—

David James Young is a writer, podcaster and 2000s tragic. He is on Twitter — which, as of 2006, has just been invented: @DJYwrites.