What If ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy’ Was A Family Sitcom Set In The ‘Burbs?
Your favourite superheroes are back! Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 is now in cinemas.
They may be superheroes, but the Guardians of the Galaxy fight, laugh and test the boundaries of friendship like the most beloved TV sitcom families. But what would a Guardians sharehouse actually look like if on the silver screen? Is it all-out Full House-meets-Star Wars mayhem, or are they a passive aggressive note-leaving kind of family?
So, picture this: after a good stint of intergalactic butt-kicking, Peter Quill, Gamora, Drax the Destroyer, Rocket Raccoon and Groot/Baby Groot are hanging up their Guardians of the Galaxy boots and settling into suburban family life. Sure, they’ve done jail time and they definitely don’t have a permit for the oversized spaceship parked on the lawn, but deep down they’re just searching for acceptance, the same as everyone else.
What happens when a band of outlaws move into a sitcom-esque family home? Say hello to your new neighbours (they won’t say no to a welcome casserole).
The House Dad: Peter Quill
“Showtime, A-holes!”
Peter Quill likes to think of himself as the (mortal) man of the house, and as such he’s never more than a few days late to pay the electricity bill. As the unofficial leader of the Guardians gang, Star Lord’s responsibilities include ensuring a smooth transition to life on Earth and keeping the weeds in the garden in check. While he swears his outlaw days are over, he still pops out on scavenging missions every now and again, but those closest to him know he’s happiest on the couch watching Cheers and Knight Rider reruns. Plus, he’s still trying to teach Drax what a metaphor is.
The One With The Chequered Past: Gamora
“Can we put the bickering on hold until after we survive this massive space battle?”
After being cut off from her family trust fund, Gamora is learning that paying rent in Australia is worse than all Ronan’s tricks put together. She’s unsure whether a mortgage is in her future, but she’s really enjoying a weekend routine of living room yoga and smashed avo on toast, so she’s not overly concerned right now. Despite what she’s said in the past on the topic, she’s been known to have a bit of a groove with Baby Groot while doing the dishes. She no longer kills people for a living, but if you’re a middle-aged, white, human male, don’t tell her to “smile, baby!” unless you’re looking for a square kick in the teeth.
The One Without A Filter: Drax The Destroyer
“There are two types of beings in the universe: those who dance, and those who do not.”
At first, the neighbours thought the immortal superhuman polishing his knife on the front porch of an inner-city terrace house was a little strange, but these days Drax The Destroyer has settled right in to the community. He’s taken up one of his former hobbies, the saxophone, and only thinks about killing Thanos two or three times a week. He’s decided gender stereotypes are dumb (yeah Drax!) and tries to keep the division of labour in the household equal. His efforts are hindered by Rocket, who sheds profusely and refuses to clean up after himself. Drax recently purchased an espresso machine and has just discovered babycinos; although he makes them for his housemates daily, they don’t share his enthusiasm.
The Party Animal: Rocket Raccoon
“Are we really saving the galaxy, again?”
The other Guardians have stopped wondering whether Rocket will ever feel bad about being the messiest housemate. Can he be blamed for it? He’s literally an animal (a scientifically modified one at that), and virtually unstoppable when he’s on one of his three-day benders. Whenever the neighbours file a noise complaint, Rocket blames Baby Groot.
When he’s not partying or gambling at the races, Rocket tinkers like a mad man in the garage. Everyone thinks he’s just a cute little raccoon, but he’s probably building a bomb.
The Sensitive One: Baby Groot
“I am Groot.”
Having learned the importance of family from his dad, Baby Groot is grateful for his loveable band of misfits every single day. Baby Groot’s still learning how to put down his roots, but he knows he wants everyone to be safe, happy and relaxed in a well-lit environment. He’s thinking about becoming a voice-over actor when he’s older, but his housemates are advising against it on account of his three-word vocabulary.
The Jerk Landlord: Yondu
“I may be as pretty as an angel, but I sure as hell ain’t one.”
With a penchant for turning up unannounced and yelling till he’s blue(er) in the face about some kind of orb, Yondu is the landlord no Guardian of the Galaxy wants, especially on Earth. He’s always ranting about “unfinished business” and trying to cheat his tenants out of more rent than they owe. He suspiciously beats everyone at pub darts all the time, and he’s the prime suspect in more than a few bungled burglaries. He’s blue, so he really stands out in a lineup. There’s a warrant out for his arrest.
All images: Supplied by Marvel Studios
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Catch your favourite ragtag team of superheroes in their natural environment in Marvel Studios’ Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2, in cinemas now. Find out more here.