TV

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Of ‘Australian Survivor’

Still waiting for Sue's "big move"...

by Maeve Marsden  26 October 2016

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After six months on the air, Australian Survivor came to a close last night, crowning Kristie Bennett Sole Survivor. Okay, so it wasn’t six months, but it sure felt that way with a record 24 contestants spending 55 days in Samoa, their antics playing out over multiple long episodes per week.

I was able to write the bulk of this article in the time it took the Final Three to do the Rites of Passage — an awkward meander passed the burnt-out torches that the US version of the show gave up around season 22.

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“I do not remember or care for this person. I no longer recall my own family.”

Despite somewhat overstaying its welcome, Australian Survivor has definitely been a Reality TV Moment and although ratings could’ve been better, it’s been renewed for a second season and fans are already racing to apply.

Without further ado, here are this fan’s hot tips for what comes next — from the best, the worst, and the weirdest of season one.

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The Good

Casting

It was the best of times, it was the most mediocre of times. With a final three this blah, you could be forgiven for forgetting that Australian Survivor gave us some pretty solid characters — the stuff that good conflict is made of.

Phoebe was a strategist worthy of the format; we were gifted a few nutbars with Kristie, Andrew, Des and Kat; Sue had a pocket full of classic one liners; and Craig’s combo of snark, flirt and heart will ensure him a spot on any fans vs favourites season, should Aussie Survivor make it that far. It brought a tear to my cold heart when he cried out mid-challenge: “You hold that rope, Suzie Q.” And it brought joy to all of the internet every time one of the contestants stuffed up a well-known phrase like I just did.

The casting team screwed up royally in the diversity stakes and should seriously consider casting a more representative mix of people next time, but they’re on the right track with personality, at least.

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Challenges

Channel Ten nailed the production values, I’ll give them that. Sure, they blew the budget and could only afford a few wooden posts on a cliff for the final immunity challenge, but across the season we got some killer battles, the best of which were the porntastic mud bath and ‘spitting milky white liquid into each other’s mouths challenges.

Extra points to host Jonathan La Paglia for his innuendo-laden commentary.

My only suggestion is that the producers remember the value of a well-placed reward challenge. Spend less money on contestants (we don’t need 24) and more on some solid rewards. They space the immunities out and give contestants much needed time to strategise.

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Australian Twitter

Leaving aside the douches who sent death threats to female contestants, it was great to unite with my fellow Survivor nerds to mock, cheer and critique the world’s greatest game. It’s a beautiful thing when a populace can come together to sit alone in their lounge rooms arguing about strangers on the internet.

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The Bad

“Twists” and Mishandled Moves

On US Survivor, people make big moves, presumably in part because some Machiavellian producer has convinced them to do so. You get the sense the US producers are like characters on UnREAL: coked up and treating their contestants like pawns in a death match. The Aussie producers took a more ‘stoned on the beach’ approach, letting things play out and leaving it to JLP to try to cause a little ruckus at Tribal Council, where it’s invariably too late.

Speaking of Tribal Council, clearly one producer got a little high, rolled over and said “hey, why don’t we just abandon 16 years of Survivor history and make a tribal NOT a tribal?” Next thing you know, someone who has been legitimately voted off by their peers is still in the game. Let me be clear: the point of Survivor is to not get voted off; not to hope the rando producers change the rules at the eleventh hour.

If Australian Survivor changes just one thing before 2017, let it be these ill-thought out twists. Trust the format, relax and let your cast make things interesting. Keep the manipulations behind the scenes so we invest in the contestants’ success and failure.

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Misunderstanding the English Language

“Biggest blindside ever”, “best”, “most”, and “big move” are just some of the words viciously misused by the contestants, the host and whoever writes the promos at Channel Ten. The hyperbole around the contestants just further highlighted their stark absence of gameplay.

If Channel Ten needs help writing accurate promos, I am happy to help: “Coming up next on Survivor, another beloved contestant is voted off by a cohort of patronising beige normals. Nothing happens, nobody comes, nobody goes, it’s awful.”

Yes, I just quoted Waiting for Godot in a Survivor listicle and no, I’m not ashamed. Maybe if the contestants had paid more attention to Samuel Beckett in their English class, they’d have a better understanding of the dystopian challenge in which they were participating and been able to use their words correctly.

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Every Time El Called Someone “Babe,” “Bub” or “Baby”

STOP IT.

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The Ugly

Mateship

I’ve already written about the frustrating blokey mateship vibe on Australian Survivor so I won’t rant too hard here. Let me just say THANK GOD LEE DIDN’T WIN OR I WOULD HAVE BURNT IT ALL TO THE GROUND.

There are heaps of places that mateship reigns supreme like a cricket game or a BBQ at John Howard’s house. Survivor is not a place for mateship. Hell, I’d rather a weird, unpredictable woman like Kristie win than a self-righteous sportsman who couldn’t even give a proper jury speech.

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Spoilers

Fans were baffled early on when a seeming non-threat was given super short odds to win. Kristie also rated highly on the fan polls on the Tenplay website, in complete contrast with the edit she was getting on the show. Now that we know she won, it’s clear there was a leak at Survivor HQ. In the US, spoilers are avoided by announcing the final vote live. But perhaps this was out of the budget. Indeed, many of the issues with Australian Survivor seem to come down to finances.

The much-maligned season length and volume of episodes was undoubtedly done to draw increased ad revenue. Some of these blunders are forgivable. Spoilers are not.

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The Dashed Underdog Phenomenon

Despite Kristie giving us some Dawson level tears and facial expressions worthy of Crazy Eyes, she won it in the end. Her success broke a weeks-long cycle of Survivor building up underdogs only to dash their hopes.

It’s made for bucketloads of frustration and countless Twitter tirades (mainly mine) as Australia watched loveable underdog after loveable underdog fail. But the formula finally worked in last night’s finale and by the end I was ugly crying with Kristie and metaphorically high-fiving the jury as they grew to love, or at least tolerate, her success.

Just don’t do it again, Survivor. Don’t do it again.

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You can apply for season two of Australian Survior here.

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Maeve Marsden is a freelance writer, director, producer and performer, and the creator of Sydney cabaret act, Lady Sings it Better. She tweets from @maevegobash.