Transcript: Geoff Shaw MP Gives Lecture On Human Biology 101

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Hi guys, sorry I’m late! I just finished a phone interview with Waleed Aly and it went for longer than I thought it would because for some reason it involved him asking me questions? What a weird guy.

Anyway, I thank you all for coming along to this event at such short notice. I was meant to teach this Human Biology 101 class next week, but I’ve managed to wrangle enough tax dollars to go on a two-week women-are-icky tour! It’s going to be so great: me and few sunburnt English lads just rowdily dropping by different states in America, finding out what they are up to in regards to abortion. It’s actually really essential I go there in person because each state has different abortion legislation, and there is literally no other way to find out what it is. You’ve seen Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, right?  That is what all these places are like. I mean, New York? Forget about it. All the men have tasselled jackets and for some reason they let women do medicine, but they just cannot figure out email or phone calls.

Enough about my trip and more about snake eggs. Did you know that in Australia it is illegal to destroy them? Well, it probably is, I haven’t had time to look that up exactly, but why are YOU asking ME, you should know this stuff.

I’m no snake expert, because that sounds gay. But I do know if you want more lady snakes on boards and more lady snakes in parliament, you should stop destroying snake eggs completely.

Let’s begin the lesson.

1.1.1: Menstruation

Once a month, to punish women for not being men, God makes them bleed. I have never had a conversation with a woman about this, and I have avoided reading, seeing, hearing or learning anything about it as much as possible, but as far as I can understand for about five days little eggs full of blood fall out of their tummy somehow. Through their belly buttons?

I don’t understand why we aren’t trodding on them all the time; perhaps they disintegrate as they hit the ground. Perhaps they are invisible. There is no way for us to know.

1.1.2: How Is Babby Formed?

When a man who holds the balance of power in the Victorian parliament and a mummy really, really love each other, or can tolerate each other for ten minutes, God hides all of those funny penis-shaped balloons that are in the third drawer of the bedside table.

Then the man’s ‘special man product’ goes into one of the stomach eggs that haven’t fallen during ‘MENStruation’, and God puts a foetus in the Mummy Tummy™. To protect the baby from all of the things the mummy eats during the day (because the baby is in her tum-tum), the baby is encased in an egg for safety and comfort. The egg must be made out of some kind of protective material that can also grow as the baby grows, but I’m not sure what it is. Maybe spandex? Maybe Hubba-Bubba chewing gum? Nobody knows, because the babies are too small to tell us.

Speaking of the baby growing, you are probably wondering how it gets nutrients. Well, do you remember those phone booth events from game shows, where wind whips around money really fast and the contestant has to catch as much as possible? That is how the baby is getting bigger, except the phone booth is the protective egg, and the cash is the mummy’s salad or shopping smoothie or whatever it is that women eat.

At the end of nine months, the egg should be about the size of a football. Isn’t intelligent design amazing? Around this time, without a moment’s notice, the mummy’s water will break. This means that the baby is using its birth-time swordnose to start to crack open the shell inside her tummy, causing some of the water to leak. It is just like that scene in Jurassic Park, except usually Jeff Goldblum is not there to help the baby escape its egg home.

At this point, the woman will have VERY severe tummy tum belly boo whoopsy woo pain. You need to get her to the hospital AS SOON AS POSSIBLE for this boo-boo, before the baby cracks open the shell completely.

If the baby cracks open the shell fully before you make it to the hospital, it might swim upwards towards the light that is shining in through her mouth, instead of downwards. That can be a big choking hazard. If the woman has a mouth like Julia Roberts, you also have to be careful not to make her laugh or smile during labour, because the baby will just be sucked up toward the mouth exit light immediately. This is why the woman will usually be given drugs, so that her face is paralysed until the baby is safely out.

1.1.3: What Happens Next?

When the baby is fully into the world it is the father’s job to peel away the last of the shell from the baby’s oozy and sticky skin. This is a very special bonding moment between father and hopefully a boy, so take it all in. The mother then decides if she will eat the remains of the eggshell on a sandwich, otherwise it is planted somewhere, and that is also how chickens are grown.  Which came first, you ask? Was it the chicken or the egg?

Neither, God was first. And babies should be first. Snake babies, human babies, jelly babies. So now that you are educated, your homework for next time is to help me reach my goal. Think of some ideas to help me stop Australia letting awful murdering snake women feminist snake egg swallowing eating evil women kill all of Australia’s tummy eggs.

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Rebecca Shaw is a Brisbane-based freelance writer and co-host of the comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She does not like sharing a last name with Geoff Shaw this week. For dumb jokes and crazed rants, you can follow her on Twitter @brocklesnitch