‘Game of Thrones’ Season 6 Episode 10, Power Ranking: Cut Me Off A Piece Of That Flesh Pie

Spoilers for the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Seriously. SO MANY SPOILERS.

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Just over two months ago, we settled in with open eyes, open hearts and burning loins, to watch HBO’s sexiest deviants fight each other for a crown that means nothing. And to think — nine weeks ago we ‘believed’ that Jon Snow was ‘dead’!

Now that Game of Thrones’ Season For Women™ has concluded, we must decide who came out on top. Short answer: women, I guess!

LET’S DO THE FINAL POWER RANKING!

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The MVP Of The Season: Dany!

Despite also being the character who is so exasperating, that being impervious to flames and having pet dragons still didn’t make her any less annoying, if anyone managed to climb the chaos ladder or break the wheel or whatever was on the poster this season, it was Dany.

At the start of the season she was pretty much a slave! Now the only thing she’s a slave to is plunging necklines and fine beige linens (same, who’s with me ladies!!!). Since Dany is gifted with god-like beauty and god-like arrogance, she knows she can treat Westeros like one big episode of The Bachelorette and get a husband suuuuuper easily. Unfortunately this meant dropping her side chick, because if we’ve all learned anything from Almost Famous, it’s that you can’t bring a slam piece on the road because they will just overdose on Quaaludes and embarrass you in front of Bob Dylan.

Daario is fairly pass agg after the break-up (“I’m fine! I’m fine.”) but Dany is used to every man being in love with her and loves hurting male feelings, so she just sort of shrugs and wanders off to find another man. Tyrion is all, “lol did he cry” and then Dany gives him a badge and then he almost cries. “Haha men are idiots,” Dany thinks to herself.

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The Winners Of The Week:

Jon Snow (9 points)

You done good this year, Jon!

The Harry Styles of Westeros is getting everything he wants but he is still the saddest boy, kind of like Richie Rich or any Disney princess. “My dad never let me sit at the table, I am a sad boy” he says while stroking chairs and playing ‘Pictures of You’ on the Winterfell sonos. “Are you fucking kidding me with this?” says Melisandre.

Jon is scared of Sansa, because he can’t predict what she’s going to do next and because when he offered her the big room, he sort of thought she would say: “No, you take it, I insist” instead of being like, “Yeah amazing, what’s the wi-fi password”. He gives her a condescending kiss on the forehead to re-assert the patriarchy (was it… sexual? I didn’t say it was, you did, there is no sexual tension between these siblings, every thing is 100, stop it) and then they laugh about a white raven like it’s the funniest fucking joke in the world? Starks are not very funny, but it’s okay.

All in all, Jon has ended up with a tremendous amount of power given he was so unpopular a few months ago that people stabbed him ‘til he died. Now he’s got a squad who are easily swayed, but who are into him rn at least, so it’s cool.

Random Northern Lord: “It’s a bit chilly, I say we all just go home and have a sit.”

Lords: “Yes, yes let’s all go home and have a sit in the warm.”

Jon Snow: “No, but winter is coming, pls.”

Lady Mormont: “Are you fucking geriatrics KIDDING ME, let me shame you individually and remind you all of your piss weak effort, who even are you, this is our king now, the North remembers how fucking pathetic you all are, good grief.”

Lords: “Damn those are some hard truths.”

Because old men fear hard truths from the mouths of young women, they’re all like “YAY, JON” and waggle their swords in the air. Jon is very emotional and is like, “Woah, thanks guys! This is a total surprise! Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me… I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed!” but none of the lords are concerned, because he is now their king. Who can be bothered finding a new one, there are like ten people left in the North anyway?

Well, you know what Ned Stark always used to say: the years start coming and they don’t stop coming.

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Sansa (8 points)

Now that Sansa is home, she has time to pick-up some of her favourite interests again — like sitting under a tree and staring at nothing! English chicks are so weird, hey.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t have much time to writhe on the ground and yell for Heathcliff before Littlefinger slides into her DMs and is all: “Arrrrrrr, Sansarrrrrrr, be my wife my scweet luuurveee, wonchaaa?”. Sansa is like “no” and is able to walk away without physical or emotional harm, wow so nice for that not to be a threat hovering over every scene!

Sansa has come a long way this season, but Littlefinger senses that she’s not going to be happy being patted on the head and bossed around for long. I wonder if she and Jon will kiss, is that still not okay, y/n?

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Cersei (7 points)

Hahahahaha, and you thought Taylor was the only blonde girl nailing this revenge thing. Poor old England* — and they though Brexit was the worse thing to happen to them this week!

*This show is based on actual history right.

*Westeros is England, right.

*That was Westminster Abbey, right.

*What’s Brexit.

Cersei was like #GameofThrones pic.twitter.com/RLSMetiFUr

— Internet Palace (@InternetPalace) June 27, 2016

From the moment that we saw a montage of everyone getting dressed/the High Sparrow slipping on a dirty potato sack, it was clear that something was going DOWN. Cersei looking serenely at a very Under The Tuscan Sun landscape (meanwhile, who knew King’s Landing was no nice! Usually the streets are running with literal faeces and rats are feasting on the corpses of smaller rats!) and sucking down a cabernet, while the popular kids perished in the burning gym, was really a sight to behold.

Much like the Wu-Tang, Cersei Lannister ain’t nothing to fuck with.

Like most of her plans, it backfired a little (R.I.P. Tommen) but Cersei was only mildly disappointed by her son’s death, like someone had told her the price of her drink was not included in the meal deal. “BURN HIM!” she tells someone. “BURN THEM ALL — except that bitch who shaved me, I want to waterboard her with a nice Sant Gervasi.”

If you are telling me that when Cersei got up this morning she wasn’t planning on ending the day on the Iron Throne, you are KIDDING yourself. Girl matched her wardrobe to her new social position too perfectly for it to be like, “Oh really? Me? Well, today I just coincidentally dressed like a Met Ball interpretation of an evil Disney queen, so yes okay, I guess I will sit on this throne, yeah so weird that the metal detailing in my frock matches this exact chair, weird huh.”

Are we… chill with this? Yeah why not lol, see you next year bb.

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The Element of Fire (7 points)

I mean, fire got a lot of play this season. If I was the element of ice, I would feel insecure but also excited to show off my own powers next year.

(I don’t know either, this episode was very long.)

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The Little Birds (6 points)

So many little dead-eyed children doing so much useful stabbing! Is Qyburn Slender Man? Haha, kids will do anything for a sweet plum.

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Arya (6 points)

 I know that Arya must be a Millennial, because she’s very organised and has a particular loathing for baby boomers. Welcome back to Westeros, Arya!

Arya finally got her revenge on Walder Frey and sons of Walder Frey, by somehow Sweeney Todd-ing them in what looked to be a very dry pie. Surely intestines would make a good gravy? Did she make the pastry herself or was it store-bought? I have so many questions about this pie.

“I will be the last thing you see,” Arya says. “Thanks a lot for driving up house prices, making it impossible for young people to enter the market and for excluding us from a union that makes travel and working across borders much easier, BYE.” I’m a little mad that Game of Thrones has ruined pies for me. It’s kind of like watching Guy Fieri eat, but you know, nowhere near as bad as that.

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Sam (5 points)

It’s Sam’s first day in college and he cannot WAIT! Once he reads all these thousands of books, which will basically reiterate what he has already ascertained in the field, he is going to be soooooo helpful to Jon in the coming wars!!!

Gilly will not be helpful however, because women are not allowed in the library in case they dirty the pages with their menstruation or something. I don’t know how the misogyny works in the Citadel yet, but I’m looking forward to finding out!

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Losers Of The Week:

Jaime (4 points) 

Even though he is in a foreign city of inexplicably beautiful women, Jaime does not have a hankering for some strange because he is deeply infatuated with his terrorist sister and would never cheat on her, aw. He can’t enjoy sinking piss with the Frey men because they’re all a bunch of jerks and frankly, Jaime feels far too good looking to be breathing the same air as them. 

Nothing like going home to cure your hurt feelings though, right? Nothing like the warm embrace of your sweetie to remind you that you’re not some useless pretty boy!

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Lady Olenna (3 points)

I feel sad that Lady Olenna’s entire family is dead, but happy that she’s at least getting a little sun. Olenna may be teaming up with Dorne to assist Dany (is that what’s happening, idk) but she doesn’t have time for their wacky foreign names, their gender fluidity or their stupid opinions. She did admit that she’s basically wishing for death, so this isn’t really a win.

She may have found a new friend, at least?

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Melisandre (1 point)

Davos: “Did you burn that little girl to death?”

Melisandre: “I didn’t.”

Davos: “What is this toy I found?”

Melisandre: “oooo, g2g”

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Death Count: I mean…

Let’s take a minute and reflect on all the people who have died this season. I can’t remember all your names because some of you were super boring, but I’m sure you’ll be missed by someone.

Maester Pycelle — Oh you were terrible, your legacy on earth was refusing to pay a prostitute. No-one is pouring one out for you today, homie.

Margaery — R.I.P. lady, you were very clever, but not clever enough to just leave King’s Landing with your grandma instead of drawing her pictures. Sorry you got eaten by ectoplasm :/

Loras — R.I.P. mate, I felt genuinely sad about insane bigotry that you experienced. Imagine being forced to stand in front of your peers and wait for them to decide if your way of life and choice of romantic partner was morally acceptable? Oh, that’s right.

Tommen — R.I.P. glad you got to have sex a couple of times before the end.

The 1% of King’s Landing — R.I.P. you guys, should have just streamed the trial and stayed in for the day (maybe TIDAL was down?).

Walder Frey — I’ve been imagining your death for a while now and I was satisfied by it. This show has given me a bloodlust I shall never recover from.

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WTF, Who Knows?

Bran

Uncle Benjen is kind of bored now, and decides to leave his disabled nephew in the snow with no horse.

Benjen: “Good luck to you crawling in the snow, I am taking this horse”

Meera: “Could you… leave us the horse?”

Bran: “BYE UNCLE BENJEN, THANKS FOR EVERYHING, BYEEEEEE!”

Bran is extremely rude and anti-social, so he immediately starts time-travelling and ends up at the Tower of Joy! He sees Yung Ned find his sister Lyanna! He sees Lyanna bleeding her entire guts out! “Ew, gross,” says Bran. As the internet predicted, it turns out that Lyanna is Jon’s mother and just to really hit it home, they cut straight from Jon’s weird baby face to his current hot face.

So, how will Jon discover his true parentage? Will Bran tell him? Did Bran even get it? Or was he too disgusted by the miracle of childbirth? I think deep down we all know one thing for sure: somehow, Bran is going to cook it.

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!

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Game of Thrones is on Showtime at 11am and 7.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.