‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 7 Power Ranking: Starks Suck. Long Live This Bad Bitch
SO MANY SPOILERS.
Spoilers for the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Seriously. SO MANY SPOILERS.
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When I had the big reveal of this week’s episode of Game of Thrones spoiled on Twitter at about 3pm yesterday, I thought: ‘Wow, isn’t technology’s incessant need to ruin the most basic of joys really the disease of the 21st Century, I’m so happy to have been born in the ’80s so I can enjoy this relentless living nightmare’.
LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!
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Winners Of The Week
The Hound (8 points)
Why does no one ever stay dead in this universe, whatever, it’s fine.
Heeeeey, The Hound never really died! He just suffered insane injuries and smelled real bad! When he woke up, he was wearing an artisanal vest, artisanal pants, vintage work boots and was working in some sort of back-to-basics commune in which people do things like build pointy houses, chop potatoes, and don’t horribly murder each other!
Despite having great skill with a blade, The Hound did not begin his own pared-down, authentic barbershop, but instead became a lumberjack. Everyone in this commune is relentlessly positive about all the work that The Hound is doing; this is something that he finds endlessly suspicious.
Commune: “Good axe swinging, dog!”
The Hound: “I was almost murdered by a woman.”
Commune: “Haha, great joke! Hey, love the way you can carry the log single-handedly!”
The Hound: “I have done terrible things in my life and deserve punishment.”
Commune: “Woah, you sure say some crazy stuff, pal! Want another glass of kombucha?”
As The Hound and Septon Ray settle down with their wooden Japanese crockery, while Father John Misty quietly strums a banjo on a nearby grassy knoll, they discuss how The Hound is singularly motivated by hate — just like the whole of Twitter. But Twitter hasn’t been invented in this universe, so instead of everyone just deleting their apps to set their souls free, they have a Good Chat About God. They both conclude: IDK.
This is the kind of retreat you’d go to think up the Coke jingle.
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Theon and Yara Greyjoy (7 points)
Theon and Yara are seeking out Dany so they too can mount the world, or something. In the meantime, Yara wants to mount every lady she sees, because didn’t you know that she’s a very lusty queer women and this season of GoT is The Season For Women, refer to your press release!
In between inventing the phrase “dat ass”, Yara is mocking Theon on account of him being an assault victim who is still suffering from serious trauma. “No offence, but you’re being really dull, can’t you just like, drink your trauma away?” she says, while forcing Theon to scull a pint of brothel ale. It turns out: yes, he can!
Yara: “If you cannot drink this ale, you may as well kill yourself, these are the only choices.”
Theon: “I have drunk this ale, my redemption arc is complete.”
WATCH OUT WORLD, THE GREYJOY SIBLINGS ARE GONNA MOUNT YA!
*Side note: did Yara say “ratchet” in this scene? Maybe Westeros does have Twitter, someone check a history book.
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Lil’ Lyanna Mormont (6 points)
LOOK WHAT FEMINISM HATH WROUGHT! Punky Brewster is serving up some hard truths, sorry for the realness patriarchy.
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Losers Of The Week
Jon and Sansa (4 points)
Despite the fact that Jon is basically a god who has conquered death and has a fucking giant on his team, people are very reluctant to join his cause. He even has a serious ‘90s stockbroker business ponytail now!
Giant: “SNOW!”
Stark kids: “Ahhh… does that mean yes?”
Wildlings: “Hm, the giant makes a good point, okay we’ll fight for you.”
Jon and Sansa are relying very heavily on their celebrity. Despite Sansa’s “But, I’M A GILMORE” persuasive technique, their angelic looks and delusions of grandeur don’t seem to be swaying the masses. Maybe they need to start thinking of better lines than, “hey look at our coats, okay can we please have your allegiance”. These two doe-eyed bbs are not very good at reading the room.
If it wasn’t for Davos’ “Hey, have you heard of White Walkers, little girl?” they wouldn’t even have their lousy 62 Mormonts! Jon reckons they won’t get more men to kill, Sansa reckons they will, so she writes a letter to someone (Littlefinger?) behind Jon’s back. She and Lady Mormont spend the rest of the afternoon stick and poke tattooing the lyrics to ‘Rebel Girl’ on each other’s arms.
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Jaime Lannister (4 points)
Jaime loves having people to boss around again! His sense of self is entirely informed by ordering around less-privileged men, wearing shiny armour and tousling his party boy spiky hair just so (does he need help for this, or does his metal hand create a natural friction?). As soon as he arrives, he slaps one of the Frays because in this world, that is the best way to hurt a man’s face and his feelings.
Jamie and Blackfish have a conversation about killing each other, which can be summarised by: “Ooh boy, I’m gonna kill you real good”, “Oh yeah, well I’m gonna kill you and your men, oh boy, y’all are gonna be DEAD”, “Oh yeah, well maybe it will be YOU who gets killed” — except no one actually does any killing. The Blackfish can wait it out. He has like two years worth of Spam in there!
With a “You’re not even as good looking as they say, bye” the Blackfish leaves and now everyone has hurt feelings.
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The Fray brothers (3 points)
“Blackfish, yield plz.”
“No.”
“Plz. We will hang your nephew.”
“Okay.”
“We will do it. We will hang him and cut him. Plz.”
“I heard you.”
“Plz.”
“Go on, do it.”
“Oh no, we haven’t rehearsed this bit.”
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Cersei Lannister (2 points)
Cersei doesn’t want her frenemy to leave King’s Landing, but Lady Olenna is of the opinion that every bad thing that has happened to her family is a direct result of Cersei’s actions. “I wonder if you’re the worst person I’ve ever met?” Olenna wonders, as she pretends to write a letter. “You say, I only hear what I want to,” Cersei replies. “Wait, are you just saying the lyrics to Lisa Loeb’s ‘Stay’ now?” Olenna says.
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Arya Stark (1 point)
Now that Arya has her face back, she is cocky as hell and thinks that it’s okay to leisurely stroll through Braavos and throw bags of money at people, despite the fact that she has a target on her head.
She somehow survives the Waif stabbing her multiple times and then has to walk through the streets, holding her guts in, while everyone looks slightly revolted, as she drips blood all over the pavement. Guys… is this a metaphor for Arya getting her first period?
Hm. Could have been worse.
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Septon Ray (0 points)
RIP fam. Probably should have reconsidered your non-violence hippy stance — even The Manson Family were packing weapons just in case! Okay, bad example.
Ray had a lot of crazy ideas like: “stealing is wrong” and “you don’t need to murder children” because his life of crime was over. Then on cue, three bastards from The Brotherhood Without Banners show up and lightly threaten the commune. (PS these three douchebags seem like the kind of dudes who would say: “No offence, I just hate the new Ghostbusters on principle”).
For some reason, these three guys come back later and kill everyone. I don’t know why. The Hound somehow doesn’t hear this commotion. I don’t know why that is either. He jumps on a fixie and sets out for revenge.
If it were me, I would have stayed for a while and finished that soup tbh.
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Death Count: Several
That whole cult: RIP guys, it seems that no amount of cathartic wood/vegetable chopping can save you from a random slaying.
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WTF, Who Knows?
Margaery Tyrell
So… who is being played here?
Is it the High Sparrow? Who is impressed by her rote-learning (the basis to any artificial devotion — shout out, Catholic school!)? Who says to her, “I’m really pleased that you’ve found religion, but right now you have a duty to fuck Tommen”? Who politely explains that she doesn’t have to enjoy fucking Tommen, she just has to do it (also imagine how Tommen conveyed that information to the High Sparrow: “I’m finding it hard to worship on account of not having boned Margaery in a really long time”)? Who plainly says to her, “Your grandmother is in grave danger because I hate her, now go fuck Tommen, goodbye?”
Or is it Lady Olenna? Who is leaving despite her better judgment? Who has interpreted Margaery’s rose drawing as “dw, I’m just pretending so I can wash my hair, also religion is a great excuse not to have sex with Tommen”?
Or is it us? Because we’d never seen Margaery’s wicked crown ‘til now?
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Game of Thrones is on Showtime at 11am and 7.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.