‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 6 Power Ranking: Dany Deals With It

Spoilers for the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Seriously. SO MANY SPOILERS.

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Hey, was this episode kind of… boring? I mean, it was still GOOD. It was fine! Maybe now I only consider TV compelling if it makes me deeply upset, causes me to cry a little and leaves me with a gaping emotional scar? Has Game of Thrones made me numb to all happiness? Hm.

LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!

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Winners Of The Week

Dany (8 points)

She’s technically winning, right? She’s definitely not just leading another foreign army in dusty circles, only occasionally stopping to hand out hair-ties so everyone’s braids still look tite. Oh, she’s got a plan alright!

Daario: “So, let’s say by some miracle that hopefully doesn’t involve you sleeping with anyone but me, you get to Meereen, get 1,000 ships to move your disparate armies — most of who have never seen a ship and will probably all spear each other as soon as we set sail — and then we get to Westeros with living armies. Then what?”

Dany: “Um… I take what is mine?”

Hm. Not really the most solid plan. Then again, Dany doesn’t have time for your ‘strategy’ and ‘logic’. She makes quick foreign policy decisions and sticks to them! Can you imagine if she paused and ran every single plan by her people? It would take days! It takes her 45 minutes just to introduce herself!

Anyway, every time Dany can’t be bothered explaining her thought process she just hops on a dragon to impress everyone, shouts vague things like: “I CHOOSE YOU ALL!” and fires the people up. It may not make much sense, but it’s provocative. It gets the people going.

Just FYI Dany, “I slay” is not a plan, but hey, best of luck.

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Bran and Meera (7 points) 

The two characters who have truly suffered from realness are these two little dumplings, who managed to escape the Night’s King because narrative convenience. That King just loves the chase, yo!

Although they’re technically winners because they’re alive (RIP Hodor, it still hurts), they’re not exactly stopping to take rap squat photos in front of Weirwood trees yet. Bran sits comfortably on a sled Xan-ing out and having visions that resemble some sort of ‘Ray of Light’/’Frozen’ hybrid, while poor Meera has to drag him through the snow and then actually APOLOGISES to him for their predicament? Even though Bran was the one who cooked it? I have never seen a more thoroughly illustrated explanation of ‘the patriarchy’ in my entire life.

Let’s just watch this for a while, someone please get Meera an egg, please.

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Benjen Stark (6 points)

Oh, hey fam!

I’m glad they mentioned your name roughly 20 times this season so I actually knew who you were. Uncle Benjen might have an ice face but he still has strength enough to Aragorn himself into the picture, kill some wights and make Bran a tasty cup of blood tea to tide him over (Meera doesn’t get one, on account of this being all her fault).

Bran is all, “Guys I am NOT ready to be the Three-Eyed Raven I honestly cannot stress that enough” and Uncle Benjen is like, “You will be ready” but everyone just makes shifty eyes because no one is really convinced. Meera apologises again.

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Sam Tarly (5 points)

Ah, Sam. Did you think this was going to go well? Did you think that just because Westeros doesn’t have DNA testing yet that the kid’s paternity couldn’t be proven and thus Angry Dad would just be chill about it all (side note: did they recently swap the baby out for a cuter, more smiley kid from a cabbage patch)? Just because your warm Nigella Lawson mum and colour-matching sister were down with Gilly didn’t mean that fat-shaming, academic-hating dad would be.

At a dinner so strained I felt like I was watching Real Housewives, Sam’s brother who, hand to heart, is named ‘Dickon’, is all: “lol, there are no White Walkers in Westeros” despite the fact that the joint is swimming with them, and maybe there’s actually one at the table.

So of course, Sam blows the joint and steals his dad’s Valyrian sword and is like “CYA CARNTS”. Except he’s too scared to do that in front of anyone, so leaves in the dead of night. Man, Dickon is gonna be CROSS.

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Gilly (5 points)

Well, look who just got a Pretty Woman makeover! Unfortunately there was no kindly concierge to teach her how to use cutlery. Leave the Valyrian steel, keep the curling iron girl.

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Losers Of The Week

Arya Stark (4 points)

I mean, if someone complimented my eyebrows I’d probably be reluctant to kill them too. After watching another disgusting, lowest common denominator episode of what I assume is the Westerosi equivalent to The Big Bang Theory, Arya softens on Lady Crane and decides not to kill her. Richard E. Grant says some loaded things about everyone thinking their dumb ideas matter (hey writers room, R U OK?) and the Waif catches Arya being a bad murder student and is all “YES!”

Arya wins in that she’s decided to be Arya again, but loses in that all that stick fighting was for nothing and she will probably die a stick-related death. For now, she cradles Needle in the dark; one step away from penning the hip hop classic ‘Who Am I (What’s My Name)??’.

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Walder Frey (3 points)

Hey, it’s that bastard who ruined our lives!

While it was simply a delight to have an event that is tattooed on our memory re-explained (HAS RECAP CULTURE GONE MAD!?!?!) it was even nicer knowing that this bellend is losing the war and that the Blackfish really is alive.

Hey, it’s the guy from Outlander!

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Jaime and Cersei Lannister (2 points)

Jaime is salty because he can’t control his own son, has lost his job and has to go to some beautiful part of Westeros and win a war, instead of staying in the rat-infested toilet bowl that is King’s Landing. It’s kind of adorable that Cersei and Jaime are like, “WE’RE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE WHO MATTER IN THE WORLD, LET’S SHOW THE WORLD OUR STRENGTH” because literally no one has thought about them for a really long time. Jaime is just a weak dude who gets shuffled around from location to location and who is incapable of an original thought, but at least he’s got that sweet, sweet lovin’ back home.

I mean, as far as incest relationships on TV this has got to be one of the most supportive.

The Lannisters are now the PR equivalent of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch to prove that he’s really, REALLY in love with Katie Holmes — ain’t nobody buying what they’re selling.

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Death Count: 0

Ya cooked it, Arya.

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WTF, Who Knows?

Margaery and Tommen

Speaking of Scientology: Margaery and Tommen found a cult* to join!

Somewhere in between discovering what sex is and hovering in corridors, Tommen went and found religion (and made some snazzy suits for the zealots, to boot). Unfortunately this came at the exact time that his parents decided to straight murder all the religion out of King’s Landing, so they could get back to having incest sex in peace.

And what’s with Margaery? Is she just manipulating her way out of the church prison? Girl looks so refreshed it was like she was at a yoga retreat. Classic millennial move: lie yourself out of a bad situation, find a better gig and then get rich on Instagram.

It’s hard to know who is lying and who has really found God, but the Lannister and Tyrell elders are the obvious losers in this situation. Lady Olenna was so looking forward to some old-fashioned blood-letting! Jaime had planned a sassy speech! Darn kids, they don’t even let you carry out revenge massacres in peace.

*Scientology isn’t a cult. It’s not a cult. Don’t send me emails, because it’s not a cult.

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Game of Thrones is on Showtime at 11am and 7.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.