‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 2 Power Ranking: Hey Girl, Wanna See A Miracle?
SO MANY SPOILERS.
Spoilers for the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Seriously. SO MANY SPOILERS.
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Holy hell! This week’s episode was so intense that the fact that two major characters were murdered and a mother and her baby were literally eaten alive by dogs was the last thing on anyone’s minds. Jesus, this show is proper fucked up.
LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!
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Winners Of The Week
MVP: Davos (9 points)
I don’t know when Game of Thrones became The Davos Show, but I am not sad about it. Maybe Stannis was the one holding back his mojo, but now that he’s out on his own, the Onion Knight has zingers for days.
Once his and Edd’s Wildling takeover of Castle Black was finished, Davos could go back to his busy schedule of staring at Jon Snow’s corpse (also, why does he feel such a strong kinship with Jon, apart from them both being decent? Is Davos a bit in love with Jon? GET IN LINE, DAVOS!). He also tries to rouse a very emo Melisandre who is going through a post-idealistic phase, and has locked herself up with a single candle and a Morrissey record.
Davos: “Ah… so you know Jon Snow?”
Melisandre: “Obviously.”
Davos: “How about… you bring him back to life?”
Melisandre: “No.”
Davos: “I’VE SEEN YOU DRINK LITERAL POSION AND ALSO BIRTH A SMOKE DEMON, THIS IS WAY LESS FUCKED UP THAN THAT.”
Melisandre: “Okay.”
What a persuasive guy.
Wun Wun The Giant (8 points)
“Hey, that’s so cute that you shot me in the shoulder with your tiny human arrow, NOW WATCH WHILE I FUCKING PUMMEL YOU AGAINST THIS WALL YOU FOOL OF A CROW.”
“I’ve made a huge mistake.”
Ramsay Bolton (7 points)
It seems very gross to say that Ramsay, arguably Game of Thrones’ most evil character ever, is winning. But things really do seem to be going his way, huh? At his very essence, Ramsay is just a dude who does not like to be told to chill. “If you act like a mad dog, people will treat you like a mad dog,” Roose Bolton says, while he froths at the idea of murdering Jon Snow. YeaaAHHH mAd DoG! Oh he doesn’t mean it in the good way.
Mad Dawg
So, Ramsay murders his father in front of two people who will never dob (Karstark seems like a real dick, btw. I know Robb murdered your dad, but… yeah okay, fair cop I guess). Then he leads his stepmother Walda and her one-hour-old baby to the dog kennels. Oh no. “Where is Lord Bolton?” Walda asks tentatively. Walda, girl, why did you follow Ramsay into the dog kennels? “I AM LORD BOLTON,” Ramsay says. Nooooooooooo.
Okay, let’s write about that scene in our nightmare journals and never think about it again, good day.
Bran Stark (6 points)
Hey, cool powers fam! Missed you!
(Side note: Did Bran seem a little bit… in love with his flashback aunt Lyanna? YOU WERE THINKING IT TOO, SHUT UP. Oh you weren’t, hmm.)
Bran, slaying chicks by telling long stories about people they don’t know.
Arya Stark/A Girl (5 points)
Yay! Now that she’s endured some more horrible treatment, Arya doesn’t have to be a beggar girl anymore! Maybe her storyline will actually be interesting now! Yay!
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Losers Of The Week
Yara Greyjoy (3 points)
Urgh, we all know this story, ladies. You’re stuck living in the most boring, soggy land in the Seven Kingdoms, and your dad is so obsessed with “the mainland” that he has lost perspective on everything else (is this what it’s like to live in Tasmania?). The only piece of (Grey)joy you have is knowing that one day, when your salt-encrusted father is dead, you will be the leader of the land and I don’t know, invest in some more candles and curtains so there isn’t just salty wind coursing through every corridor, and build less terrifying bridges.
Well, you’d be wrong, because more than probably your mad uncle Euron, who is literally crazy and thinks that he is a god, has more of a chance than you at the throne because the misogynists of Westeros wish it so.
Also, who the eff is this bedraggled fellow.
(I know he is her uncle Aeron, but he sure has a lot of opinions for a character I had to Wiki.)
Theon Greyjoy (2 points)
Hey, what do we even call this guy now? Theon has decided that he doesn’t deserve Sansa or Jon Snow’s forgiveness so he refuses to go to Castle Black, which is a real bummer. Why would he want to go back to the Iron Islands, a place that a) has never been particularly welcoming to him, and b) is so windy? Theon, it is so, so windy there!
I hope Sansa copes with this loss well. And to think, she had just started smiling again!
Well, almost.
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Death Count: 5
Roose Bolton — RIP to a man who is so un-rattled by things that even in death he was like, “Urgh, fine” so much so, that for a second you didn’t even know who was doing the stabbing.
Walda and Baby Bolton — NOPE.
Balon Greyjoy — RIP, thanks for reinforcing my hatred of heights/men with beards who make grand pronouncements about themselves.
The guy who showed Cersei his penis in Season 5 — lol.
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WTF, Who Knows?
Jon Snow
OH, MERCY.
Okay, so I’m going to put it out there: even though we knew this was on the cards, I have been so let down by this show that there was still a part of my brain saying: ‘Don’t get your hopes up, when Jon comes back he’ll probably just be inside the dog, or something”. This shit was TENSE.
So once Davos had convinced Melisandre to give reincarnation a shot with his, “I believe in miracles/since you came along/you sexy thing” speech, the pressure was on. Melisandre chants and sensually washes Jon’s beautiful body, washes his beautiful hair, and trims his impeccable beard, like one of those over-priced artisanal barbershops that smell like rich mahogany. Meanwhile, if you think that any female character in that position would have been afforded a loin cloth (albeit a small one) you have another thing coming. WELCOME TO WESTEROS, BITCH.
“Why did you make me come to this, nothing is happening.”
“He’s actually right, I’m going back to my room.”
Then suddenly, roused by the sounds of Morrissey in the next room…
SHIT YEAH, JON SNOW IS BACK! Well, he could turn out be a shadow of his former self. Or have lost his memory, like that Beric Dondarrion guy from the Brotherhood Without Banners. There are many ways in which this could turn out be unsatisfying. But for now…
JON SNOW IS BACK, I REALLY DO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!!
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Game of Thrones is on Showtime at 11am and 7.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.