‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 8 Power Ranking: Ice, Fire And Magic Cocks
I’m sorry, who wrote to HBO and asked to see The Hound’s dick?
Spoilers for the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Seriously. SO MANY SPOILERS.
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I’m sorry, who wrote to HBO and asked to see The Hound’s dick? Who is responsible for this? Why did this happen? Good god. Margaery is not the only one trying out abstinence this season.
LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!
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Winners Of The Week
Arya Stark (9 points)
Well, look who got herself a name! Or remembered her old name! Or, who refused to deny her real name and go under another name, that is, a name that didn’t exist for the purposes of being anonymous, a nothing name —
Whatever, Arya is back.
“My unsatisfying internship is over, I am so happy.”
In the most unbelievable sequence of events in a show that also features dragons, Arya — still bleeding her innards all over Braavos in what continues to be the most potent metaphor for menstruation that I’ve ever seen on television — somehow manages to kill The Waif.
… How did this happen? How did someone whose getaway plan involve rolling down stairs like a sack of potatoes, stumbling into a sauna and pausing like “where dis, I should make a mental note and come back” and leaving a blood trail, kill the T-1000? I might be getting a bit sentimental around the old eight-week mark, but I think I’ll miss The Waif.
“It me The Waif, master of parkour.”
Well anyway, Arya is out of the Faceless game and is either going back to Winterfell (maybe she will see Gendry on the way, so they can finally kiss) or to see the end of all things at edge of the world, presumably while still suffering massive internal bleeding. This storyline has kind of felt like the end of the world. Mazel tov, Arya!
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Jaime Lannister (7 points)
Even though Jaime still seems utterly perplexed when people don’t immediately fall in love with him and want to be his friend, he is still very good at bossing people around when they are tied up. Edmure is initially very reluctant to take part in his reindeer games, on account of the Lannisters killing almost everyone who is related to him, but he knows that it is very easy to hurt Jaime’s feelings.
“People think that you’re evil and that your new haircut is not very good.”
[Oh no, he has cut me to my very core.]
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Bronn (6 points)
Does anyone else get the impression that Bronn has been desperate for someone to talk to for like six months? He’s like that needy friend in year seven who gets mad every time you try to log off MSN and so makes up stories to make you stay.
Bronn: “Do you think our bosses are fucking.”
Pod: “No. Please stop talking to me.”
Bronn: “I would fuck her, would you Pod?”
Pod: “No. Please leave me alone.”
Bronn: “Hey Pod, remember when everyone said you had a magic cock, that was pretty funny hey Pod.”
Pod: “Why did you just hit me.”
Bronn: “Sorry Pod, it’s good to see you dog.”
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Dany (5 points)
Queen of making entrances!!!!!!
“It me, dat queen.” *explosions*
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Losers Of The Week
Cersei Lannister (4 points)
Poor Cersei! Girl is minding her own business, drinking her brunch and her stupid son won’t let her LIVE, metaphorically and literally. It seems like Tommen’s religious zeal isn’t just a phase, and unlike pretending that you like Donnie Darko, this is not something that Tommen will grow out of. Now The Mountain can’t even face-rip her out of prison!
Haha, Tommen you stupid kid. He is a teen, and the young and vulnerable are easily brainwashed! Somewhere the High Sparrow is sitting him down and assuring him that this one song will change his life. Kids will believe anything.
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Tyrion (4 points)
Tyrion barely had a chance to congratulate himself for solving slavery, when the slavers arrive and started bombing the joint. Tyrion is all, “Grey Worm, go fight on the beaches!” but Grey Worm is like, “Dude, I’ve seen Saving Private Ryan no fucking way, also I’m a little buzzed.”
Grey Worm is a comedian now anyway.
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The Head Soldier At Riverrun (3 points)
Blackfish: “I cannot express how much this is a trap.”
Head Soldier: “No, I’ve actually got a great feeling about this, it feels right.”
Blackfish: “Please do not do this.”
Head Soldier: “Nah, I feel good about this.”
Blackfish: …
Head Soldier: …
Blackfish: …
Head Soldier: “Oh no, I died.”
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Brienne (3 points)
Even though Brienne failed her mission, she at least got to stand up for Sansa and break-up with Jaime. Their possessions are split (“Would you like your sword back?” “Actually, now that you mention it…“ “Okay, if you insist, I will keep it, good day.”) but after their sad goodbye in the moonlight, their very romantic relationship has been semi-preserved.
Brienne: “Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.”
Jaime: “Who, Cersei?”
This is the sexiest love triangle of all time.
Are you a Pacey or a Dawson?
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The Fruit Vendors of Braavos (2 points)
“Build a stand next to the assassin school they said, faceless men LOVE citrus, they said.”
“Oh no, NOT AGAIN.”
“AWWWW NO, NOT THE ORANGES!!!”
“ARGHHHHHHH, WHY DOES SHE KEEP ROLLING, WHY DOES SHE KNOCK THE FRUIT SO.”
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Jaqen (1 points)
Jaqen: “Finally, the girl is no one.”
Arya: “Are you saying that because I have a tiny sword pointed at your heart?”
Jaqen: “No that is a coincidence. I have been meaning to tell you that the girl is now no one, perhaps the girl did not get my DM.”
Arya: “This place is boring, bai.”
Jaqen: :/
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Death Count: 11
Blackfish: RIP, respect for deciding that out of the two possible ways to die, the one that didn’t involve making canoe small talk with Brienne and Pod was the most desirable death.
Lady Crane: RIP to a lady who somehow thinks she can cure massive internal bleeding with a dirty bandage and a bowl of water. Thanks for the workplace safety PSA about stools, bb!
The Waif: RIP girl, I may have never fully understood your motives, but man you were good at jumping over fruit stalls.
That Sons of The Harpy guy: RIP too bad about your head.
Those Brotherhood guys: They had it coming.
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WTF, Who Knows?
The Hound
The Hound hates two things in this life: people who disrupt his life as an artisanal carpenter, and people who have not thought of their last words ahead of time. “You’re shit at dying,” may be the best thing I have ever heard and I am now 100 percent team Hound, yes.
But hey, the Brotherhood Without Banners want to be friends with the Hound! He is big and threatening with an axe! However the Hound is not used to having friends and is only barely tolerating their vague, “We are part of something BIGGER brother” chat, probably because he’s scared that they’re trying to recruit him to the Dharma Initiative.
The Brotherhood want to kill their murderous renegades too, but The Hound is disappointed because HE wants to be the one to kill them, aw man, don’t you hate when that happens. They fight over the still-living men like they’re trying to split a KFC family box, because revenge killing is the most interesting thing to do in Westeros since downloading torrents has become super complicated.
Did The Hound only kill this man for his boots, y/n
The Brotherhood may be a good fit for The Hound! He can kill people indiscriminately, urinate while holding a conversation and eat all the mysterious lunch meat he can ingest! Because really, isn’t that what we all want in life?
(Well, a tall glass of Imp’s Delight wouldn’t astray either tbh.)
Salut.
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Game of Thrones is on Showtime at 11am and 7.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.