Does No One Remember How F*cked Up Veronica Mars Was?
Ahead of the movie's release on Friday, we look back at the series moments that should have made you feel really awkward about everything.
Veronica Mars has gifted us many things. Without it, we would never have received news of Kristen Bell crying over a sloth, an event worth the admission price to all of her future projects (and ample compensation for a few of them, too).
For now, though, forget the feelings of love that this weekend’s film reboot is delivering. Forget Jason Dohring’s weirdly unchanging face, and sweet memories of Paris Hilton’s chameleon-like character-acting. Instead, use these next couple of days to recall just how fucked up the entire series was. You know, to deepen the experience.
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The one where nobody says, ‘Yo, you’re siblings!’
Veronica spends the first part of Season One alternating between awesome crime-fighting and annoying pining, unable to work out exactly why nobody was jumping for joy over her relationship with now ex, Duncan Kane. It’s a love story so boring, you’re almost glad that the horrible truth about the pair looks set to destroy any future (despite fan montages galore).
The horrible truth behind the reason nobody’s jazzed over their relationship? Everyone seems to be pretty sure that they’re BROTHER AND SISTER. The most vomit-inspiring bit here is their parents’ responses: rampant alcoholism and general cruelty to the pair, rather than a few home truths. Judging by the star crossed lovers’ reactions to finding out they could be related, they would have been perfectly happy to dodge the incest bullet had someone just let them know in the first place. Duncan’s parents — a kind of evil take on the Gates family — are rich because of something computer-y, and apparently scared of the consequences of Veronica being an heir to their fortune, which is meant to explain their reasons for keeping the truth under wraps. But the idea that just because you’re a cheapskate you’d be okay with letting your children inbreed is not financially savvy. Or logical. Or human. It don’t make sense, people.
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That time they differentiated between ‘real’ and ‘other’ rape
Important question — who raped Veronica just before the start of the series? It’s a horrible mystery with presumably only horrible answers. When she does find out what happened, though, the show takes an editorial stance on consent that is fucked up, or at least muddied, in future seasons.
The logic: Veronica was drugged at a party, and ex-boyfriend/maybe brother Duncan was also ‘out of it’. They did the deed, but she has no recollection, and certainly didn’t say yes, while he initiated and knew what was happening, kind of. This, she’s half relieved to find, is not such a big deal, because while she might have been drugged by her classmates for lolz, at least she wasn’t ‘raped’. This odd divide between genuine, noir-style sexual assault from a stranger and acts committed by familiar faces carries on throughout the series. In Season Two’s finale, a double twist (!) reveals that Veronica also experienced a ‘real rape’ the night of the party, too. Veronica, naturally, has the right to work out for herself how she sees attacks on her body, but the series struggled when it came to the issue of defining consent.
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The one where feminists lie about everything
Left-wing caricatures, huzzah! Season Three brought us some good ol’ annoying hippies. These girls faked a rape and abused a disgusting but non-criminal dickhead, all in the name of FEMINISM, whatever that is (these feminists also corrupt a college newspaper, which is, frankly, offensive in its own right). Veronica is a lone ranger when it comes to social progress: she supports all the causes — gender, sexual, racial and class equality — but she doesn’t want friends to help her with it.
The painting of feminists as amoral harpies should make you squirm if you like avoiding things like, you know, rampant stereotyping. On Season Three’s ‘Special Features’ DVD, VM’s creator Rob Thomas has said he felt okay with his cartoonish femmos because he “thought he’d built up enough feminist cache” for it to work. “I thought, I’ve got Veronica, I’m protected,” he said of the way he drew periphery characters. Oh, so like a feminist umbrella, shielding you from showers of conservative bullshit?
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That time an attack on a guy isn’t considered a massive deal
Let’s talk Chip Diller, a man clearly conceived near some kind of finger food buffet at an ’80s dinner party, because that is the only explanation for his stupid name.
He’s an idiot, but he isn’t — as Season Three implies at some points — a serial rapist. Great for him. Chip is the only male character to be assaulted in the series, when the aforementioned feminists put a protest message where the sun don’t shine, under the impression that he’s responsible for rapes on campus. The sheer horribleness of his character means we don’t ever really get a critique on how what happened to him is a crime: it’s mainly a punchline (and icing on top of the ‘feminists are kind of shit’ cake). With the writers’ room juggling 80-odd convoluted mystery plotlines, you can understand if some exposition was left on the cutting room floor. But damnit, Veronica, your job is to champion causes when everyone else says no harm has been done. I dislike your double standards here, young lady.
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The one where you wish for MORE murder and abuse
Veronica’s turn-ons include rich boys and people willing to perform minor assault in defence of her honour. This is no doubt very deep and interesting given her history with violence and stuff, but it starts to make you really hate nice people and crave stupid ones. Bad boy Logan keeps almost murdering people, but that’s okay because he’s had a tough trot! Good boy Piz claims to be a lover, not a fighter… Man, I really wish Piz would get hit by a truck!
VM wants to generate Miss Marple intrigue every time someone is stabbed to death on a bridge, or admits to years of abuse at the hands of adults. That twinge of excitement that yet another person’s life is ruined should make you feel ashamed of yourself. But all in all, that’s the point of the show: you’re consumed by the hideousness, and it is seductive.
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So there you go! When the movie premieres online and at fan screenings this weekend, sit back and hope that Veronica and Logan have at least a little PG-13, ‘adult situations heavily implied’, angry make-up sex. You can go on about the complexities of the drama all you like, but we know you just want in Echolls’ pants.
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The Veronica Mars movie will be released this Friday, March 14. Official fan screenings are being held in the following cities:
Sydney — Hoyts Entertainment Quarter — 7pm
Melbourne — Hoyts Melbourne Central — 7pm
Brisbane — Hoyts Stafford — 7pm
Adelaide — Hoyts Norwood — 7pm
Perth — Hoyts Carousel — 7pm
The film will also be released digitally on the same day. Head here for further details.
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Emma Koehn is a freelance writer, and former editor of Farrago. Her social interactions are informed mostly by The IT Crowd and The Simpsons, with varying levels of success. Find tweets (re: baked goods, TV and news) at @MsEmmaK.