Here Are Four Terrible Reboots That Will Probably Happen
Phoebe owns an Etsy store selling gemstones, Joey is an internet troll and Chandler just regurgitates other people's memes.
Not a week goes by where we don’t hear rumours of yet another beloved television show being rebooted to satiate the appetites of those of us who are hungry for more nostalgic content.
The powers that be in the television world have latched onto our sentimentality and morphed it into a capitalist beast, churning out revivals and paying actors to come out of hiding for ‘just six more episodes.’ The writers and producers are relying heavily on the meme-ification of popular culture, shoving smartphones and ‘woke af’ punchlines into our beloved shows with as much finesse as your grandma trying to send a Facebook message.
Classic Fuller House.
The reboots straddle the line between kind-of-okay and Adam Sandler films; not the worst when they first started coming out, then rapidly descending into nothing more than a pile of cringeworthy steaming garbage. In their scramble to remain relevant, the writers seemingly trawl online listicles and teenagers’ Tumblrs to ensure their shows scream: LOOK! WE KNOW HOW TO SATISFY THE 18-35 YEAR OLD AGE BRACKET!
Presumably when the fresh batch of reboots grace our laptop screens later this year, the Charmed three will use some shitty iPhone app to vanquish demons, and the dudes from Prison Break will inevitably use drones as part of the grand escape. After the mildly amusing, incredibly awkward train wreck that was the 2016 Gilmore Girls reboot stole away my last remaining twang of hope, I have solemnly sworn off reboots for as long as I shall live. (Just kidding, I’m going to watch every single one of them and complain loudly on the internet).
And so, for your pleasure and my absolute horror, I have delved deep into the unsettling depths of my imagination to reboot four seminal television shows from the ’90s and ‘00s, complete with uncomfortable internet references and the distinct smell of desperation.
Friends
The show is now set in a bougie cafe in Brooklyn, where everyone eats avocado on gluten-free toast every day. The original cast are all there except for Ross because he has become a human embodiment of the Forever Alone meme, as he deserves. Rachel now exclusively dates women and owns 12 high fashion boutiques. Chandler frequently reuses jokes that he sees online, says ‘ermahgerd’ all the time, and makes jokes about Monica being his overly attached wife. He is secretly a Brony.
Monica reigns over several Michelin star restaurants and regularly retweets criticism of her food with angry retorts. She is thinking about launching a quirky stationery line. Joey is a car salesman, a low-level MRA, and is no longer great with the ladies. He has a porn addiction. Phoebe owns an Etsy store selling gemstones, millions of Instagram followers, and advises people on how to open their chakras.
(Also: Ross’ son solves murder mysteries now.)
Friday Night Lights
Tami Taylor spends the pre-election period campaigning for Hillary Clinton in the deep South and trying to figure out who created an Instagram account specifically for her hair. Tyra joins her on Hillary’s campaign trail, and helps Tami create a self-help podcast. Tyra and Tim are together, though she is constantly frustrated by his #sadboy demeanour (he makes up for it by constantly fixing things while shirtless). Coach Taylor is a stay-at-home dad with Gracie Belle, and coaches all-female football teams on the weekends. He still votes Republican.
Lyla is an Insta-famous millennial, and she is about to release an e-book called Zen Living with Lyla that is primarily photos of her doing different yoga poses. Julie and Matt never actually get married; he develops a mysterious artist persona that girls and boys on the internet revere, and Julie writes anti-feminist op-eds. Her parents buy her an apartment and she continues to be unappreciative.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The gang are in college (still), and they don’t just have to deal with vampires — now there’s cyberbullying and trolls too! Buffy is doing medieval studies, Willow is studying gender theory and political science, Xander is studying commerce and says things like ‘friendzone’. He often wears a fedora and spends heaps of time on 4Chan. Buffy’s Twitter account (@slayerqueen13xx) is used to rebut trolls and tweet inspiring #feminist messages a la Emma Watson.
The original trio each have their own crews, but regularly come together to fight trolls and hack the comments online. They don’t fight bloodsuckers that much anymore, but when they do, the vampires are mostly fellow college chums who seem to be lacking a level of ‘wokeness’. Angel and Spike are secretly dating and boning, and they balance out the dark and light in each other… Sorry. Angel is a feminist ally and Spike is a Trump supporter.
Will and Grace
(Yeah I know, this reboot is actually happening. Here’s how it will probably go.)
The show opens with Will and Grace sitting around, making awkward dad-like jokes about stuff they’ve seen on the internet. Will keeps telling Grace off for having her face constantly glued to her phone, and they bicker. Grace listens to heaps of Beyoncé and keeps telling Will about the local pho place they have to visit (she pronounces it ‘fo’). She wears one of those pussy hats around the apartment, and Karen asks her: “What’s this, honey?” Someone sends Grace an article on intersectionality but she forgets to open it.
Karen dates women, and frequently gets into trouble for posting what she refers to as ‘extremely classy’ nudes on Instagram. Jack is, of course, on Grindr all the time. He has traversed the gay stereotypes of the early ‘00s to embrace more modern stereotypes. He mostly dates dudes with top knots and beards that they brush with tiny combs, and is constantly getting sucked into trying weird diets with his beaus. He and Karen try Crossfit once, and never go back.
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Chloe Papas is a journalist and writer based in Victoria. You can find her on Twitter @chloepapas.