TV

EXCLUSIVE: Blake and Louise’s ‘Exciting News’ Has Been Revealed

Soz Woman's Day, Junkee has the official scoop on this one.

by Meg Watson  19 October 2014

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Holy hell, guys. It’s been weeks since The Bachelor has graced our screens and we really don’t know what to do with ourselves. We’ve been roaming the streets of the richest inner-city suburbs and hiding behind luscious pot plants in overpriced cocktail bars trying to glean some kind of romantic drama and intrigue from the fake-tanned ladiez and bulked-up bros that reside therein, but nothing’s quite cutting it. We need the full truth about our Blake, Sam, Louise and everyone else caught up in their torrid 26-way relationship.

Luckily, we don’t have to wait until tomorrow to get it. Though Woman’s Day claim to have the exclusive scoop on Blake and Louise’s “exciting news” in their latest edition which comes out on Monday, we’ve obtained the full story with some careful research and investigative know-how… Mainly from the internet.

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Exciting News #1: Blake is Actually a Giant Cabbage Patch Kid

cabbage

Pedestrian were hot on the Bachelor’s trail last week when they uncovered that Blake Garvey lived “in a Cabbage Patch doll museum”, but they didn’t quite uncover the whole conspiracy. Known for his dopey and sometimes unnatural behaviour, Garvey was actually an early experiment from the American toy manufacturers in branching out into animatronics. Those in the manufacturing department got a little carried away and Blake was the result. Channel Ten’s producers got wind of it when searching for contestants and have been engineering a There’s Something About Miriam-style stunt this whole time.

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Exciting News #2: Louise is Really a Stepford Wife, is Commencing Mass Indoctrination

stepford

Of course, none of that matters to Louise because it’s just been discovered that she’s a Stepford wife. There’s a reason that it was a tongue-in-cheek nickname on the show — this 26-year-old beauty is the first in an Australian line of disturbed blushing brides who love to bake. This is why she “couldn’t deal” with participating in the final two episodes of the season; people were wising up to her game. Having now successfully brainwashed the other contestants and rightfully taken her place next to Blake’s side, she’s turning to Woman’s Day to indoctrinate the rest of the female population.

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Exciting News #3: Louise is Pregnant with Osher’s Ken-Doll Spawn

osher

THE PREGNANCY RUMOURS WERE TRUE. Sort of. While everyone was busy throwing shade at Lisa for supposedly carrying Blake’s non-existent lovechild, Louise was off galavanting with Osher Gunsberg. Betrayed by Blake’s insistence on still dating the other contestants, the spurned Stepford wife sought comfort in the hard, plastic-y arms of Osher Gunsberg. It seemed like a perfect match, but once she fell pregnant it got too real for Oshie. The child’s perfect Ken-doll hair is currently growing inside of her, and Blake has decided to raise the child as his own. Obviously, as a Cabbage Patch Kid, he’s excited to have someone new to play with.

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Exciting News #4: Blake and Louise are Going into Business Together as Extremely Niche Strippers

new_bachelor_blake_garvey_stripper_past

To show her undying support for her new man, Louise has decided to embrace Bachie’s sordid past. After the baby comes along, they’re starting up a double-act stripping service. Only offering one very specific show, Blake and Louise will come to your home, party or function space with all necessary supplies and outfits to perform in front of you and 23 of your closest female friends (no more, no less). Each of you will be assigned a character from the second season of The Bachelor and the performers will innocently flirt with each other in front of you for three months. They will finally take off their clothes in the last hour of the performance, but will not acknowledge your presence whatsoever. There will be no questions taken after and their fee is in the thousands.

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Phwoar. It’s definitely exciting, right? Woman’s Day were right to get us all amped up. Blake and Louise are currently on their way back from Thailand, but will be back in the country tomorrow for their ‘official’ announcement.

I guess you could buy a copy of the magazine or tune in to their interview on The Project, but really what’s the point? It’s probably time to put this unholy media shitstorm behind us and let them raise their baby Ken doll in peace.