This Ex-Boyfriend Wedding Meltdown On ‘Married At First Sight’ Is Truly Champagne Television

I don’t usually watch Married at First Sight, because if I wanted to watch nervous people partake in sham weddings I would just go on any social media platform, but for exquisite television like this, we all must make exceptions.

If you’ve never watched it, Married at First Sight is a show in which ‘relationship experts’ match two strangers and invite them to undertake a commitment ceremony. Then they watch as the couples go on their honeymoons (not creepy!!) and make them interact in settings that are kind of like Saw, but less fun. The ringleader of the show is a psychologist named John Aiken.

For the first time, Married at First Sight have decided to be equal opportunity terrible and actually have a same-sex couple on the show (I have to say, this made me very happy, but not happy enough to actually watch the show, hi I’m busy). Their names are Craig and Andy. Craig has spectacles and seems irate when the camera man films him getting ready for his wedding, apparently forgetting that he is getting fake-married for television.

“Can you get the camera away? I’m like, I’m about to get married and all you want is the reaction,” he says, angrily. I like Craig because he gets actively and aggressively upset at situations that are of his own making.

Andy is British and seems like a Bond villain. Andy says that he “finds Craig hilarious” but doesn’t like getting too close to him during the wedding photos and politely declines Craig’s offer to “put my tongue in your mouth”. “There’s no massive physical chemistry between Craig and I right now,” he says.  Craig is much more enthusiastic, saying “He’s hot, definitely my type” and then makes a “kaching!” sound like Andy will fetch him a fine price at market or something.

All is not lost, however. Craig and Andy bond at their wedding over their joint hatred of their celebrant. First they accuse her of mixing up their names, which she categorically denies because only a homophobe would switch up names accidentally, it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that she only met them ten minutes ago.

“I am Andy and that is Craig,” Andy says sternly.

“That’s okay,” says the celebrant, defiantly.

“Andy and Craig.”

“No, but I was looking at you both.”

*smirks* “Hmm. Okaaaay…”

Everyone is very passive aggressive, particularly when Andy doesn’t know how to properly put Craig’s ring on (“It’s a bit like playing potatoes!” Andy says, which must be some British bald man thing, I don’t know) and the celebrant says, “Well, it’s not my fault”. Craig and Andy suddenly have a shared enemy and thus their relationship is off to a great start.

Then it was time for the wedding reception. This is when everything turned to lava and dust. Craig and Andy are making the rounds and thanking everyone for attending their non-wedding, when Craig hugs a man in a white shirt for a really long time. “You know this is my… ex-boyfriend,” Craig says, knowing that there is no way for Andy to know this. “Is it really?” Andy says in a testy voice, knowing that yes, ‘it’ really is. “Yeah… for ten years,” says Craig.

Ooft. Andy then puts on a strange growly voice and crosses his arms, while Craig picks non-existent lint off his suit. A woman holds up a plate of bland zucchini strips. It’s like the most beautiful Renaissance painting I have ever seen.

“So, we can chat later about all the things we need to avoid?” Andy says, with a smile that suggests that he plans to viciously murder this white-shirted man. “There’s nothing you need to avoid,” says Craig quickly, continuing to pick lint off Andy with such rapt concentration that I wonder if he thinks that if he just keeps picking and picking at Andy, then Andy will just disappear and he won’t have to deal with the consequences of this awkward interaction. Maybe picking lint of each other was Craig and White Shirt’s thing and Craig is trying to make him jealous? I can’t decipher their dynamic just yet.

Anyway, Andy is NOT down with White Shirt being invited and the Inception music in the background suggests that this incident is so severe and devastating that it might create a rip in the space-time continuum.

Andy thinks it’s an affront that White Shirt was even invited and vows to never forgive Craig. Now that White Shirt is there, Andy decides that he deeply likes Craig and they are made for each other. “This is our day. I never thought Craig would be so frivolous as to invite his ex on the first day of the rest of our lives,” he says.

Andy starts swigging sparkling wine like he needs to keep occupying his face so he doesn’t burst into angry, drunk tears. White Shirt is so smug and happy, and I’m almost convinced that he actually walked into this party with his own glass of sparkling wine.

Andy stomps around the room, powered by sparkling wine, righteous indignation and the kind of inappropriate anger that only comes from someone being truly drunk and truly bored. He keeps saying wonderfully nonsensical and hyperbolic things like: “everything that I’ve done and said today is dead to me” and then tries to enlist who I assume is his best friend, to back him up about how dumb his stupid, dumb husband is.

Andy explains the situation to his best friend and says that it’s a “betrayal”. His best friend doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Andy says, “I’M OUT!” and his friend says, “but why”. Andy becomes even more angry and retaliates by saying “FUCK YOU, THEN!” and demanding that the waiter serve him a Jack Daniels, the brew of furious men everywhere.

Unsatisfied with the lack of support he has received, Andy solicits different friends to crowd around him, but they similarly are not buying what he is selling. Andy has finished his Jack Daniels and coke and seems less angry now.

Andy can’t find any supporters. His friends tell him that it’s better that Craig was open rather than hiding it. Andy decides to give Craig a chance. “That wasn’t anything to do with you by the way,” he tells Craig, after having spent the last two hours in separate corners of the room, surrounded by concerned people and JD cans. Craig pretends to believe him because true love means moulding yourself into a much more carefree and relaxed person than you are, pushing all your hysterical and real insecurities deep, deep down inside until they explode during a lovely family Christmas lunch and/or result in a stress ulcer that kills you.

I’ve got a feeling these crazy kids are going to make it.

Watch a clip here:

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Married at First Sight is on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 8.30pm on Channel Nine.