TV

Everything That Happened At The 2014 Primetime Emmys

Sarah Silverman was stoned, Matthew McConaughey was teased, and Sophia Vergara was objectified.

by Steph Harmon  26 August 2014

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Hosted by Seth Meyers, the 66th Primetime Emmy Awards wrapped up earlier this afternoon. Broadcast on Fox 8, it  was exceedingly long but surprisingly entertaining — and heaps better than the VMAs.

Below is our wrap-up of the best and worst moments, from Breaking Bad‘s wins to stoned Sarah Silverman, to the bit where Sophia Vergara was completely, utterly, undeniably objectified in perhaps the most ham-fisted way.

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Seth Meyers Slayed His Opening Monologue:

Taking the reins from Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, who he co-wrote for at last year’s ceremony, Late Night‘s Seth Meyers dedicated the opening monologue of the Emmys to making fun of the Emmys, and everyone present.

“This year we’re doing the Emmys on a Monday night in August, which — if I understand television — means the Emmys are about to get cancelled,” he began. “We’re doing this show on a Monday in part because MTV showed the Music Video Awards last night. That’s right: MTV still has an awards show for music videos, even though they no longer show music videos. That’s like network TV holding an award show and giving all the trophies to cable and Netflix.”

The full monologue — including an excellent one-liner at NBC’s expense — below.

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Amy Poehler Got The Greatest Introduction Ever… But Still Hasn’t Won An Emmy.

“Please welcome my beautiful and talented friend, Beyonce!” Seth Meyers shouted, introducing the first presenter of the night.

I don’t have a GIF that captured Amy Poehler’s delight, but this one’s pretty good.

Yet for the second year in a row, the Parks and Recreation star was pitted up against Julia Louis Dreyfus (Veep) for Best Actress In A Comedy — and for the second year in a row, Dreyfus won the trophy. She was interrupted by Bryan Cranston on her way up to the stage. They pashed for like an entire minute.

Great news for Dreyfus, bad news for Poehler. In its seven seasons on the air, NBC’s Parks has been nominated for ten Primetime Emmys, and hasn’t won any of them. Probably for the best until Poehler learns how to walk up stairs.

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Matthew McConaughey Got Totally Teased

Being around movie stars is something the TV world is going to have to get used to. But Jimmy Kimmel will be bitter about it for as long as he goddamn likes.

“You beautiful son of a bitch,” he said to Matthew McConaughey, before handing out the Emmy for Best Supporting Actress (Comedy). “Look at that face. That’s not a television face, that’s a movie star face right there. Where’s Ricky?” he asked, looking out into the audience. “Ricky! Now that’s a television face.”

“Matthew McConaughey doesn’t even own a television,” Kimmel continued. “I happen to know, for a fact, that he traded his television for a conch … I want you and your brother Rooster to pack up your bongos and your patchouli oil and your bong shaped like Willie Nelson’s boot and go to Burning Man or something because you don’t belong here. And take Julia Roberts with you while you’re at it.”

Later in the show, when accepting for Best Director — Comedy, Gail Mancuso (Modern Family) directed her entire speech at McConaughey. “If you don’t mind, Matthew McConaughey, I’m just going to make eye contact with you right now.”

And when he took the stage to present for Best Lead Actor in a Miniseries/Movie, McConaughey’s True Detective co-star Woody Harrelson — also nominated for Lead Actor in a Drama — mocked him just as hard.

Also, for the record:

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Sophia Vergara Was Put On A Lazy Susan, For Some Reason?

Every year, Academy TV president Bruce Rosenblum gives a speech at the Emmys, lauding the talent, passion, and diversity of American television. Blah.

It’s usual the most boring bit of the show, so the producers decided to spice it up this year by getting Modern Family‘s Sophia Vergara — actress, model, and the 32nd most powerful woman in the world, according to Forbes — to stand on a revolving pedestal and show off her curves.

The room laughed awkardly and clapped at first, hoping that the tone-deaf moment would end with an important point about diversity in television. Unfortunately it didn’t end with anything of the sort, as Rosenblum took Vergara’s hand and walked her off the stage.

Yes, there are already articles about it.

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Weird Al’s Musical Number Was A++ 

I usually hate this guy (I KNOW.), but he totally nailed it.

And George R.R. Martin was a pretty good sport.

Type faster, George. TYPE FASTER.

Type faster, George. TYPE FASTER.

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Sarah Silverman Was Stoned:

Earlier in the night, E! host Giuliana Rancic  encountererd Sarah Silverman on the red carpet. Silverman preceded to pay the shit out of everything E! was doing. When asked what she was wearing? “Marni. The character from Girls.” When asked to put her hands in the ridiculous Manicam? “I don’t have a manicure! These are working hands!” 

And when asked about her dress, she spoke only about her boobs. “They’re the lowest they’ve ever been,” she said. “And the highest they’re ever going to be.”

The last bit made sense when Giuliana went through Silverman’s clutch, and found a vaporisor filled with what Silverman declared to be liquid pot.

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Thankfully it didn’t end there, because Silverman won an award.

Called up to accept the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, she threw off her shoes, ran barefoot up the stairs, snatched the award, and began her speech: “I want to thank my Jews at CAA”.

She also gave a shout-out to her boyfriend Michael — “Mr. Fancy-Pants Sheen” — and wrapped it up with a statement for the ages: “We’re just all made of molecules and we’re hurtling through space right now.”

In any case, she looked incredible.

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Gwen Stefani Was Drunk 

Gwen Stefani and Adam Levine legged it from the MTV VMAs to present the Emmy for Best Variety Series. Nobody really knew why.

Nominated in this category was Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Maher, Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live and Stephen Colbert. Everybody wanted Colbert to win: The Colbert Report will be wrapping up at the end of this year, as its host goes on to replace David Letterman.

Unfortunately, some guy called “Colbort” won instead.

“She said it wrong so there must be a mistake,” Jimmy Fallon said, as Colbert handed him back the award.

Fallon gave most of the speech himself instead.

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The Robin Williams Tribute Was Just About As Sad As It Could Have Been 

After a beautifully sung ‘Smile’ from Sara Bareilles, with the screen honouring the screen legends who had passed away in the last year, Billy Crystal took the stage to speak about his long and loving friendship with Robin Williams.

Dare you not to cry.

“Robin Williams. What a concept.” :'(

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Breaking Bad Won Everything; Game Of Thrones Won Nothing

Breaking Bad was nominated for 16 awards this year, and won a whopping six of them — including Best Male Actor (Bryan Cranston, against Jon Hamm, Matthew McConaughey, Woody Harrelson, Kevin Spacey and Jeff Daniels), Best Supporting Male Actor (Aaron Paul), Best Supporting Female Actor (Anna Gunn — hooray for her!), and Best Writing for ‘Ozymandias’ (penned by Moira Walley Beckett, who beat Vince Gilligan’s also-nominated series finale).

Although the show fell just behind Sherlock in the trophy count, Breaking Bad took out the night’s most prestigious award, Best Drama, for the second year in a row.

Game of Thrones was nominated for 19 awards. It didn’t win any of them.

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Click to the next page for the full list of winners.

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