The Eight Most Memorable Moments From VMAs Past

The MTV Video Music Awards are a scary window into the dark soul of populist entertainment. Years past have offered us glimpses into the zeitgeist the likes of which have the power to confound and dismay as often as they excite. This year’s awards were no different; anybody who isn’t 16 years old likely wouldn’t know several of this year’s honorees.

It’s bad enough that the viewer-voted awards go to incredibly uninspired works that would normally be laughed out of the building – like when fifth-rate X Factor finalists Fifth Harmony won the “artist to watch” award over the likes of platinum-selling Charli XCX and Sam Smith – but the big celebrity performances were like being transported to a pop culture gulag. Who can know what we’ll be saying in ten years about the opening number featuring Nicki Minaj singing about big dicks looking like she walked off the set of a Plan 9 From Outer Space remake?

Probably nothing. Meanwhile, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, advertising Dumb and Dumber To (2014), were tragically out of place among people who weren’t even alive when the original was released (1995 if your memory has faded that terribly).

And what on Earth will future generations make of the ever-evolving friendship between Lorde and Taylor Swift? If they want a scrawny, Australian gay boy to join their deliciously weird harem then please call me; I think they’d be a hoot. Just look at how excited Swift was when her buddy won (rather improbably) the Best Rock Video award for “Royals”.

Beyonce’s outstanding performance aside, this year’s ceremony sadly lacked any truly iconic or even terribly confusing moments like the VMAs used to do so well. In honour of what the VMAs used to be, we decided to look back at some of our favourite moments from years past.

–

1984 – Cyndi Lauper Speaks Gibberish

At the first-ever ceremony, the one hosted by Bette Midler and Dan Ackroyd (!!!), Cyndi Lauper was trotted out to announce the rules, which she did in ancient Babylonian dialect because obviously. These awards were once fun and actually legitimate enough to have “rules”, which is in stark contrast to today.

–

1990 – Madonna Performs “Vogue”

What hasn’t Madonna been the queen of at some point? Certainly the VMAs where she remains the most awarded musician ever. Her best appearance was in 1990 in a performance that puts everything from this year’s boring ceremony to shame several times over. Featuring elaborate Marie Antoinette costumes and perhaps the best pop song of the modern era, it’s pure dynamite.

–

1993 – RuPaul and Milton Berle

Christian Slater introducing RuPaul and Milton Berle is a pretty fantastic combo. The latter tells the crowd to shut up before the two spend their time on stage trading insults. Berle’s homophobic and transphobic adlibs would get him thrown out today (Laverne Cox was a presenter at this year’s awards) and inspire a thousand think-pieces. Earlier in the evening, RuPaul and Nirvana (plus Courtney Love) were photographed together on the red carpet looking incredibly chummy.

–

1997 – Martha Stewart and Busta Rhymes

“One knows how to make a pot roast, the other is always roasted on pot”; if you want to see a truly surreal pairing then this is for you. Martha Stewart, the epitome of a WASP, and rapper Busta Rhymes were paired up to present an award to the Spice Girls. It has to be seen to be believed.

–

2001 – “Lady Marmalade” Wins ‘Video of the Year’

Christina Aguilera, Pink, Lil Kim, Mya and Missy Elliot didn’t perform at the 2001 VMAs – they did that at the MTV Movie Awards for Moulin Rouge – but they did win two awards while wearing some of the worst and most era-defining fashion you will ever see. Sporting midriff-bearing tops except for Missy Elliot’s white tracksuit (of course), Aguilera and Pink wore hideous caps that matched perfectly with Aguilera’s pigtails and Pink’s brown low-rise jeans. To quote Pink: “Thank you to everyone who thought we’d make good whores.”

–

2003 – Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera Perform, Make Out

The slide of once bullet-proof MTV princess Britney Spears was just starting, reality television’s dominance had made itself glaringly obviously (Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! Kelly Osbourne with her BFF Avril Lavigne! The Simple Life!), and the internet’s stranglehold on the pop culture was becoming the dominant force in the arena. Britney and Christina Aguilera put their media-perpetuated rivalry aside to perform Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” as Justin Timberlake looked on with the camera there to catch every awkward post-Britney break-up reaction shot. Madonna then appears as a diva-groom and this video becomes a collection of hilarious reaction shots: severely unimpressed Mary J Blige and Eminem, a guffawing Snoop Dogg, a clapping Beyoncé, and Madge’s husband of the time Guy Ritchie.

–

2013 – Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke Gyrate to Infamy

Unlike that other famous scandalous moment involving a man and a woman – how often do you think Justin Timberlake feels bad for ruining Janet Jackson’s career at the Super Bowl? – it was the guy who got the short straw of backlash. Within a year of 2013’s show, Miley Cyrus is still a huge star and even won this year’s Video of the Year. Robin Thicke, however, had a disastrous flop album, became the public’s whipping boy for misogyny, and starred in a terrible direct-to-iTunes movie. Well done, society.

–

2014 – Beyoncé Performs

If you needed any further proof that Beyoncé owned the world these last eight months then this performance was it. Closing out the night with a medley of songs, it was basically the only reason anyone even watched or cared. In a night severely lacking in big moments – it was nice to see Miley Cyrus pull a Marlon Brando by sending a homeless, but very attractive, man on stage to accept her Video of the Year trophy – it was the first sign of a pulse in this culturally dire parade of scantily-clad nonsense.

The video isn’t available, but Blue Ivy agrees and so should you. The rest of this year’s show?

That about sums it up.

–

Glenn Dunks is a freelance writer from Melbourne who is currently based in New York City. He also works as an editor and a film festival programmer while tweeting too much @glenndunks.