Eight Simple Things School Forgot To Teach You

We’ve teamed up with Bingle to bring you some tips and tricks to make life a little more simple.

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I’m a 24-year-old woman with a job and a degree, but last year I stepped on the box that makes my internet work and couldn’t fix it for three months. I own a car and have my name on the lease to a house, but when I get home from grocery shopping, I consistently get too excited and eat a small bit of everything I just bought.

I’m a 24-year-old woman, but I am no adult. And I’m willing to wager I’m not the only one who feels that way.

The concept of adulthood has always been infuriatingly abstract. Lena Dunham tells us it’s about learning small lessons about empathy and responsibility; Ilana Glazer would suggest it’s something to be avoided completely; and to Tom Hanks, it’s all good as long as you wear an oversized blazer and have enough money for ice cream.

Whatever school of thought you subscribe to, it would be nice to be able to fake it from time to time; it seems strange that someone can go through 24 years of their life without understanding the basics. If Christopher Pyne ever thinks about bumping Pythagoras and his mates off the school curriculum to sort out us Gen Y bludgers, here’s a few helpful classes he could fill it with:

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#1: How Do I Buy A House?

As a writer, I don’t have any misconceptions about property ownership being a possibility in my lifetime — but at least I should understand what I’m missing out on. Do you just whack on a pencil skirt and head down to the local real estate agent? How much money do you need to save, and how much will the bank take pity on you?

While we’re here, is asbestos still a thing? I’ve found most of my sharehouses on Gumtree, and I’m pretty sure one of them had one of those gas heaters that murder people. Will I die? Am I already dead?

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#2: Why Does My Car Sound Like An Old Emphysemic Man?

High school taught us how to solder tin cans together and craft a wooden box for birds to die in, but gave zero knowledge of how to care for the giant mechanical contraptions we’d all soon be entrusting our lives with.

Sure, the Education Minister changed a tyre on national television, but until that’s in the curriculum I’m going to continue to break my mechanic’s heart.

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#3: Credit Cards: How Do They Work And When Exactly Will They Ruin My Life?

I fail to understand how something can be both a devastating soulsuck that leads you to the verge of bankruptcy, and a helpful little tool to secure a home loan.

The world is cruel and unusual.

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#4: When Should I Stop Googling And Go To The Doctor?

I’m pretty sure I had twelve PDHPE classes on “saying no to drugs” and none on “THIS ISN’T WHAT CANCER IS”. Of course, we can’t all have medical degrees but can we just assure kids what a healthy mole looks like, why their headaches probably aren’t tumours, and what the hell a UTI is?

It would save everyone a lot of time, tears and data.

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#5: What Even Is Basic Nutrition?

Facts: it’s not just old-timey sailors who get scurvy, and the home-ec standards of sponge cake and lasagne did not anticipate the rise of Menulog.

I need to know exactly how many vegetables I need to eat, and how long I can leave old Thai food in the fridge before re-heating it.

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#6: How Do Tax And Super Even Work?

Yeah, your Year 9 math teacher was all about the compound interest formula, but that doesn’t really help when the tax office sends you a bill for the first time and you realise all your retirement money is maybe, sort of, hopefully hiding in seven different accounts in some kind of hellish financial ether.

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#7: What Is Insurance, And Why?

Ambulances aren’t covered by Medicare, and they’ll set you back $1,115 a pop. If you have sudden medical problems while travelling in the US without travel insurance, they’ll pretty much just let you die. If you smash your phone and haven’t been paying that stupid extra fee each month — which is more than likely — they won’t let you out of the contract.

And if you accidentally bump into a guy’s car at some traffic lights and dent his bumper, he’ll scream at you until you cry and then throw you his K-Mart executive business card, and take his car to the most expensive BMW mechanic in the city, even though he knows you’re a poor student and it will be a huge hassle that costs you $2,000 and an entire week of your life.

This last one especially I would have loved to know five years ago.

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#8: Ikea 101

Just one class. That’s all I’m asking for.

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At Bingle Car Insurance, we believe in keeping comprehensive car insurance simple and affordable, because we know you have better things to spend your time on. Like social media. Check us out on Facebook and Twitter. 

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Amy Scott is a writer from Melbourne.