Eight Reasons To Support Hawthorn Tomorrow, According To A Hawks Tragic
Includes: Clarko, Redfoo and the COLA.
Tomorrow at 2:30pm, the ball will bounce to begin the 2014 AFL Grand Final, with the two best teams of the past three seasons going toe-to-toe in the big dance once again. Huge games like this are always more fun when you are barracking for a team, which is why we got two tragics to help us pick a side.
Below you’ll find words from Darren Levin (pictured above, with Shane Crawford), a long-time Hawthorn tragic. To read what his nemesis Hugh Robertson has to say to win you over to the Swans, head here.
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Not since 2008 has Hawthorn entered the AFL Grand Final as rank outsiders.
On the one hand you have the Bondi millionaires, with their sanctimonious “bloods” culture, big-name recruits and AFL concessions. On the other, you have one of the most successful clubs of the modern era who have cobbled together a team from (mostly) low draft picks, recycled players and journeymen to make their third Grand Final in as many years.
If that’s not reason enough to support the Hawks against the Swans this Saturday, here’s eight more.
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#1: Luke Hodge
He may not be the Australian Of The Year, but at least Hawthorn captain Luke Hodge has never been accused of taking a dive by Shane Warne.
“Hodgey” is a dual premiership player, a premiership captain, a three-time All Australian, a Norm Smith medallist, and his smother in the dying seconds of last week’s game against Port encapsulated everything you need to know about him as a player.
He plays 250 games for Hawthorn tomorrow – and he’s put his body on the line in each and every one. Onya Hodgey, you goddamn psycho.
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#2: Our Coach Is A Wall-Punching Badass
Alastair Clarkson is one angry little man. The most memorable thing he did as a player was break someone’s jaw with a roundhouse punch (at an exhibition match in London ffs), and when Hawthorn conceded a goal with just seconds to go against Collingwood, “Clarko” took it out on a defenceless bit of drywall in the coaches’ box. Did I mention this happened in the first quarter of a mid-season home-and-away game?
A day later he told a teenage official to “fuck off” at an under-9s match. But that just shows he cares about the integrity of the game, right? RIGHT?!
Clarko vs The Wall:
Spoiler alert: Clarko wins.
#3: We’ve Endured The Season From Hell
Remember Clarko? The guy that punched the wall? About halfway through the season he was struck down by an autoimmune condition called Guillain–Barré syndrome, which includes a whole host of fun symptoms like ascending paralysis, dizziness and blurred vision. No one expected him to return in 2014, but he came back after just five games.
Losing your coach as a crucial part of the season would be enough to derail most teams. But there’s a philosophy at Hawthorn, “Lose one solider, replace them with another one”. While that may seem insensitive to actual soldiers, it helped us cope with the loss of not just Clarko, but the game’s biggest star Lance “Buddy” Franklin, who requested a trade to Sydney to be with his supermodel girlfriend and crew of rugby-playing mates with terrible haircuts.
Then we had to cope with a list of injuries and suspensions that would win more games than Melbourne if you compiled them all into one team:
Brian Lake: 12 matches
Brad Sewell: 12 matches
Cyril Rioli: 11 matches
Ben Stratton: 8 matches
Sam Mitchell: 7 matches
Josh Gibson: 6 matches
Brendan Whitecross: Season
Jed Anderson: Season
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#4: All Your Favourite Celebrities Love Us
Justin Timberlake gave a shout-out to the Hawks at his recent show at Melbourne’s Rod Laver Arena:
The cast of the In-Betweeners dropped by Waverley Park:
And, er, Redfoo recently declared his allegiance – but don’t hold that against us:
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#5: The Only COLA We Need Is On Ice
Ever wondered how Sydney was able to squeeze two of the game’s marquee power forwards into their salary cap? About 20 years ago – way before Melbourne started charging $3.80 for coffees and $14 for pints – the AFL introduced a cost-of-living (COLA) allowance to help lure players to the incredibly expensive city of Sydney.
Somewhere along the way, Sydney worked out how to creatively use this extra 9.8% salary cap to land buff Adelaide mega-star Kurt Tippett. A year later, they used it to nab Buddy Franklin, a cheeky misfit from Perth who Hawthorn nurtured into the game’s biggest star.
Buddy vs his old club is the 2014 Grand Final’s greatest narrative. But for COLA, he’d probably be lining up for us or expansion outfit GWS.
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#6a) Our Cult Hero Tries Really Hard, And Looks Like Jesus
His name is Matt Spangher and he’s a three-club journeyman who’s gone on to become an important role player at Hawthorn. No one’s exactly sure what role he plays, but he tries his best, and that’s all you can ask for really.
#6b) Our Other Cult Hero Is Really Short And Plays Like A Wind-up Toy
His name is Paul Puopolo and his surname is really difficult for non-Italians to pronounce so we just call him “Poppy”.
#6c) Our ’80s Cult Hero Was Really Short Too
His name was John Platten, and we called him “The Rat”.
#6d) Our Other ’80s Cult Hero Wasn’t Short But We Definitely Couldn’t Pronounce His Name
His name was Robert DiPierdom – ah, fuck it. Dipper.
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#7: Josh Gibson Is The Suave Hipster Footballer You Need In Your Life Right Now
Surviving this cold Melbourne morning with my @uniqloau HEATTECH collection #heattech #uniqloau #LifeWear pic.twitter.com/Df18GWTJKo
— Josh Gibson (@joshgibson06) June 19, 2014
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#8: The Deliciousness Of Cyril Rioli
Tiwi Islands superstar Cyril Rioli has been injured for the past 11 games. And while he’s probably a bit underdone, his mere presence can change the course of the game.
Watching “Junior Boy” move is like poetry in motion, and his play on the wing at a crucial moment in the 2008 Grand Final makes even hardened Hawks supporters misty-eyed.
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The AFL Grand Final screens Saturday September 27 on Channel 7, from 1pm.
Read: Eight Reasons To Support Sydney Tomorrow, According To A Swans Tragic
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Darren Levin is the managing editor of the Sound Alliance and a contributor to Rolling Stone, The Guardian and Fairfax. Find him on Twitter @darren_levin.