Dogs In Nappies And So Much Ironing: The ‘Married At First Sight’ Finale Recap

So we’ve come to the end of the road, but still I can’t let go! HAHAHA, just kidding I am so thrilled to be rid of this intensely depressing show.

Because that’s the thing: this show is not fun. Married At First Sight proposes that loneliness can only be cured by marriage, that marriage is the only cure for unhappiness, and that it is the most important thing you can do (but not really that important, seeing as you can do it on a whim on national TV).

The contestants are ultimately just putty in Gamemaster Aiken’s hands.

It has been one month since the couples got hitched and in a montage soundtracked by that Sigur Ros song that is licensed to every reality TV show in Australia, we see how far they’ve all come. “This is the biggest decision of their lives,” John Aiken says, deadpan. “CAN THEY STAND THE TEST OF TIME?”

Short answer: probably not.

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ACT ONE: The Final Days.

Simone and Xavier, previously the most smug couple on the show, are on the rocks. Simone reckons that there’s no romance in their relationship, particularly because last week her mum asked Xavier: “ARE YOU BEING ROMANTIC WITH MY DAUGHTER?” and he said: “I don’t know”. What was Xavier meant to say to that! “Oh yeah, I’m being REAL romantic with your daughter alright, oooooooh boy!”

To remedy this, Xavier asks Simone to go to the soccer with him, then can’t understand why she suddenly hates him. “My levels of excitement are at a five out of ten,” Simone tells the camera and probably also Xavier. Then, after doing some quick relationship maths in her head, she realises that going to the soccer makes her look accommodating and makes Xavier look like a guy who is not romantic, so she pretends to like it. “I think I was a great wife today,” she says, already planning how she’s going to phrase her break-up speech. Xavier cheers because sports.

But hey, hold on just a minute! If you think that Xavier doesn’t know Simone at all and isn’t making an effort to be romantic, man you are so wrong! On their last night together he buys her pizza and wine to consume at home — just like she likes! Simone looks at the display — an open pizza box on the coffee table that looks like it’s been sitting out for an hour — looks at him, and says monotone: “I think he’s really chuffed with himself.”

To top it all off, on their last morning together, Simone becomes furious that Xavier hasn’t given her a special send off/made her a cup of tea, despite the fact that she has not done anything of that nature either. “I’ve got a meeting at nine!” Xavier says blissfully unaware, continuing to iron his shirt. For a show that spends so much time filming couples making out, you sure do see a lot of ironing on Married At First Sight.

Meanwhile, lovebirds Erin and Bryce are having a glorious last few days! Having only recently moved straight from her childhood home to her husband’s home, just as the Lord intended, Erin is still learning how to cook. On the menu tonight? “A carbonara, some kind of meat dish and a vanilla cake.” Hm, sounds like an interesting combination!

Then Erin realises that she doesn’t have an electric mixer to make the cake. Then she forgets to put milk in the cake. “I definitely think I’ve transformed into a domestic goddess,” she says, while staring blankly at an oven.

Erin and Bryce decide to go out for pad thai and a couple of sauv blancs instead, but Bryce is a little distant on account of Erin saying that she doesn’t want children. I mean, she only learnt how to use an oven yesterday, of course she wants to wait! Dr. Trisha the Neuropsychotherapist (wot?) reckons that Erin’s anxiety might take over while the couple is apart.

Christie and Mark are genuinely happy, but the fact that Mark lives on a farm makes Christie “angry sometimes”. She wants him to move to Sydney but Mark wants to stay in rural Victoria, presumably because the night life is still better than Sydney’s. Christie hates the farm though! These two are like the Romeo and Juliet of interstate dating. “We’re from two different states and two different lifestyles,” Christie says sadly.

Mark seems much more into the relationship than Christie, but she does admit: “I’m used to having him there!”. Mark is essentially a goldfish or a rug that she forgot she had, but misses when it’s gone.

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ACT TWO: Two Days Of Separation.

Dr. Trisha explains that now the couples must take some “psychological space” to decide whether to stay together. “It’s traumatic, because we asked them to bond and now we’re tearing them apart!” she says, with beaming pride. “They’re likely to start questioning the quality of their life!” says Mel, face gleaming with joy.

Erin reckons she has “emotionally checked out” of her new home and life, probably because she’s realised now that living at her mum’s house is a bit crap. Mark doesn’t want to give up the country life! Simone is drinking alone (she DOES like wine at home, you nailed it Xavier!).

If you can’t decide in two days whether a marriage is worth saving, there is something wrong with you, this is a scientific fact based in the science of psychology, goodbye.

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ACT THREE: Will They Stay Together?

Today The Experiment comes to an end, and the couples must chose if they want to “turn their back on married life” because this is their last chance at married life in general, no backsies.

Xavier is scared of getting hurt and is also scared of not having “a woman in the house” to tell him if his gold watch goes with his gold ring. He stares at his and Simone’s wedding photo from a month ago, which you know that the producers printed and put in a frame, because Millennials cannot print and frame a photo in that amount of time. Simone is nervous too. “I know that I know all I can know about him,” she says of Xavier, which is one of the most artfully constructed burns I’ve ever heard. Xavier irons a shirt.

We see a montage of their happier moments over the last four weeks — the happiness that can only be found in attractive single people who are being told to have non-stop sex with each other for a month — and then how the relationship soured when “routine took over romance” i.e. they had to start washing each other’s dishes.

Xavier confidently walks into a room with John Aiken and his team for the big reveal. Dr. Trisha talks to him very slowly, so she doesn’t startle him with her vast emotional intelligence. Xavier reckons that Simone has shown him that “there’s different styles of loving”. Woooohoooooo — oh, he means feelings. “I try to repel affection, you see,” Xavier says earnestly. “Yeah, whatever, LET’S BRING IN SIMONE!” says John Aiken. Dr Trisha says: “Cut to the chase Simone, do you like Xavier?”

Simone: “AFFECTION IS A HICCUP, BUT WE HAD A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.”

Psychologists: “We know.”

Simone: “THE HONEYMOON WAS GREAT.”

Psychologists: “We know, we were watching you.”

Simone: “THEN IT WAS BACK TO REALITY, (WHOOPS) THERE GOES GRAVITY–“

Psychologists: “Huh.”

Simone decides she’s breaking it off with Xavier because she’s a great person who “always put [him] front on mind” and he’s the opposite of that. He tries to hold her hand (obviously he had Googled ‘romance’ earlier that day) but she pulls away with a sassy “Nuh”.

The psychologists are thrilled: “WE SEE IN THIS SOCIAL EXPERIMENT THAT THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES.” Xavier feels drained, but is going to try and better himself. He just couldn’t find a place for Simone between his love of soccer and soccer-related haircuts.

Now it’s time for Bryce and Erin! Bryce is nervously ironing trousers. Erin is nervously putting on make-up with the dirtiest Beauty Blender I have ever seen, which instantly endears her to me.

Erin arrives at the psychologist room and is bombarded with questions. “What do you like about Bryce?” they ask. “He makes me calm!” Erin says. “Okay, but what are his shortcomings?” they ask, eyes alive with excitement. “He doesn’t have any,” Erin says blankly. “Oh. Not one? Not one shortcoming? What about any divisions in the relationship?” the psychologists ask, crestfallen. “Oh, well there is the kids thing,” Erin admits, sadly.

The psychologists froth and Dr. Trisha exclaims: “I can’t help but notice that you have a rash! Is that a rash? Is that a sign of your anxiety?” while the camera zooms in on poor Erin’s rash. Thankfully Bryce then enters, which means that #RashChat is momentarily over. “Bryce, you look calm!”John Aiken says. “Not like Erin! Look at Erin!”

Bryce explains that the kids thing is still an issue, but when Erin moved out of his apartment there was “a big hole and [he] needed [her] there” (like, an actual hole? Someone check on Bryce). Anyway, they decide to stay together! The psychologists hug them and Erin says defensively in the post-interview, “Why wouldn’t I be happy?” Of course she’s happy — her TV marriage has gotten her out of her parent’s house!

Christie and Mark are next, and they too are anxious. Christie eats a boiled egg in front of a mirror (is this a Sydney thing) and says that while she thought Mark was gross at first, he has truly “won me over”. This is confirmed by a montage of all the times she ignored him, including their honeymoon when they sat in silence buttering bread, and Mark said “How’s your bread?”

Mark likes her too, but “then again, we do come from two different states”. Will the stigma on interstate dating tear them apart? It all comes down to whether Mark is willing to leave the farm. “It does weigh on my mind a lot, if I could be happy in Sydney,” he says, as he darts in and out of Melbourne nightclubs at 4am.

Christie meets with the psychologists and says that while she was initially repulsed by Mark physically, she thinks she might be falling in love with him. Aw! Mark comes in and they smile at each other lots. Aw! “IT’S A BIG ASK ISN’T IT THOUGH MARK, FOR YOU TO PACK UP YOUR LIFE AND GIVE UP THE FARM, ISN’T IT, ISN’T IT MARK,” the psychologists say, prodding him with a large stick. Mark admits that it has been a difficult decision, but he can’t let Christie go. Aw!

The psychologists pretend that this is good news, and ask: “WHAT’S ON THE AGENDA FOR TONIGHT?” Christie waggles her eyebrows and says, “You know!” Everyone laughs. Mark is shocked to his core!

Ah, so now the show is finished and we can all — oh no, there’s still half an hour left. Now we’re catching up with the couples two months down the track to see how they’re faring arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Erin and Bryce are still together! Erin tells the camera that she has started paying rent and bills, as if that’s a novel concept. “I’m like a ’50s housewife, but I’m okay with that!” she says.

Simone is confident in her decision to dump Xavier and is now more available to eat brunch with her girlfriends. Xavier is still sad and keeps staring into the ocean. He is but a simple Xavier who likes soccer, ironing and oceans. Simone begins planning a “girls trip to Bali” and all her tanned thin friends clink glasses.

Christie and Mark cannot stop engaging in water sports and talking about their “sexual chemistry”. Ew.

But hey, what about Clare and Jono? Remember them?

In separate interviews, Clare and Jono reiterate the reasons that they hate each other. Jono reckons Clare treated him like “a rescue dog”. Clare reckons rescue dogs are better behaved than Jono was. Jono kicks the footy with the boys and says he has no regrets. Clare walks her dog down the street and says she has no regrets.

“I’ve been too busy to date lately anyway, because I’ve become an Uber driver,” says Clare, over footage of her driving down a lonely highway. “Give me a five-star rating if you see me!” Then Clare puts a nappy on a dog and says with a laugh, “if you ask me out, I’ll probably say yes!”

We then see a shot of Jono eating by himself in his apartment (which is completely bare and doesn’t have any art on the wall) staring into space.

So long, Married At First Sight. You’ve been terrible.