Culture

An Olympic Curler Has Been Busted For Doping And Everyone Is Just Baffled

How do you cheat in CURLING!?

by Patrick Lenton  19 February 2018
Curling

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A Russian medallist at the PyeongChang Winter Olympics is suspected of having tested positive for a banned substance, which is NOT a particularly new story. What is strange is that this latest doping scandal is mixed up in the purest of all sports: curling.

If you’re not familiar, curling is the sport in which a weird slow disc glides majestically across the ice, and some frantic athletes sweep the path ahead of it with brooms. The disc is very important, and the athletes must make sure its ponderous passage is not impeded.

While I’m sure it is a rather skilful sport, it seems strange that anyone would resort to performance enhancing drugs to try and get an edge. Couldn’t one simply just get a nicer broom or a smoother rock?

The athlete, Alexander Krushelnytsky, is the first athlete from Russia to come under investigation for doping in PyeongChang. Traces of meldonium, a heart medicine that increases blood flow, were reportedly found in a routine urine sample.

This is particularly scandalous coming from a Russian athlete. Russia was barred from the Olympics in December after an investigation into a state-backed doping program that corrupted the 2014 Olympics it hosted in Sochi. Athletes from Russia are competing in PyeongChang under a neutral flag.

But it’s also scandalous because curling is just so wholesome. Unlike running or javelins or archery or even skiing, you could NEVER use the skills one has gained through the sport of curling in the pursuit of crime or murder. It’s a shame that this latest scandal has brought this pure and chaste sport into disrepute.

Frankly, people are both sad about Curling’s corruption, and confused as to WHY anyone would bother. Do you think the athlete’s illegally circulated blood really helped that much? The internet… does not think so: