Culture

In Case You Were Wondering, Here Are John Howard’s Thoughts On Female Ejaculation

*vomits all over screen*

by Meg Watson  26 April 2016

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John Howard is trending on Twitter.

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Seems normal enough. After all, this week marks the 20th anniversary of the Port Arthur massacre — one of our nation’s most tragic events which instigated landmark reforms on gun ownership. This stand against the harms of firearms was led by our then-Prime Minister whose words on the matter continue to echo and inspire others around the world.

Unfortunately this is not the reason he’s trending.

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*vomits all over screen*

In today’s Tips and Rumours column, Crikey have unearthed an interesting quote from last week’s Senate inquiry into what Senator David Leyonhjelm terms Australia’s “nanny state”. Arguing for increased access to legal pornography and less conservative classifications over fetish content, Joel Murray from the Eros Association (a lobby group for the adult entertainment industry) laid some of the blame upon our angry koala of a former Prime Minister.

“Some fetishes used to be allowed within the X classification, and it is my understanding that under John Howard as prime minister, the X classification was restricted in particular because the prime minister was deeply offended by the idea of water sports and female ejaculation. In fact he claims that female ejaculation was not a true thing.”

Okay. There’s a lot of take in there. First of all, we must note that John Howard is presumably not deeply offended by rowing or diving. Instead, he does not like the idea of people being peed on. He won’t stand for it. Not in this country. His crusade against the golden shower was slightly lesser-known than that against people being gunned down in the streets, but goshdarnit, this is a man’s legacy.

Secondly, there’s the fact that not only does he think female ejaculation is some kind of foolhardy witch magic, but that the very idea of it is offensive. Never mind the fact there are a number of people offering first-hand accounts, health professionals writing real-world studies about its frequency and nature, and guys freely ejaculating on everything within reach (including peoples’ faces) on every piece of pornography in existence. It seems that John Howard’s one encounter with the phenomenon led him to throw his computer through the window and run screaming from the Lodge bedroom like the first cinemagoers who sat petrified as Lumiere’s train careened wildly towards the screen.

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“Mankind has gone too far.”

Then there’s the implicit assumption that this information has been relayed through government and government groups which liaise with lobbyists. John Howard’s not the one coming forward with it, after all. Presumably it was first stated through some kind of meeting early in his first term and considered unstated fact ever since; a very important debrief upon which he could set the record straight. Prime Ministering 101: “Lady Jizz, True Thing Or Not True Thing?”

Either way, we must now all move on with this information irrevocably lodged in our brains.

The journalist responsible for highlighting the quote has rightly offered a full apology.

And, because this is Australian politics we’re talking about, Senator David Leyonhjelm has countered the statement with a supremely unnecessary statement about what he likes to watch while wanking.