Culture

Tech Genius Elon Musk Has Unveiled An Amazing Solar-Powered Home Battery; May Be Hank Scorpio

Either we're all saved, or we're all doomed.

by Alex McKinnon  1 May 2015

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Elon Musk is the closest thing real life has to a mad genius scientist who lives in a mountain cave shaped like a giant skull. Musk is the brain behind pioneering electric car company Tesla Motors, private satellite and spaceship company (yes, really) SpaceX, and solar power system provider SolarCity. He’s proposed a high-speed inter-city transportation system using vacuum tubes and building a mini-greenhouse on Mars, and recently sent a rocket into space and almost got it to land safely on a floating pad in the Atlantic Ocean.

Much like a superhero/villain, Musk spends a lot of his time publicly musing on the future of humanity, and gears a lot of his work towards that end. Last year Tesla Motors opened all its electric car patents to anyone who wants to use their technology, and the Musk Foundation builds solar power systems in areas hit by natural disasters. Earlier this week Musk teased his latest save-the-Earth brainchild on Twitter, sending tech journos into frothing madness and prompting speculation from highly reputable sources that Elon Musk is, in fact, a witch.

In a Los Angeles press conference earlier today our time, Musk revealed exactly what he was on about: Tesla Energy, a plan to “accelerate the move away from fossil fuels to a sustainable energy future” by “enabling homes, business, and utilities to store sustainable and renewable energy to manage power demand”. Musk also unveiled the linchpin of that idea — the Powerwall Home Battery, a rechargeable lithium-ion battery designed to store energy created from solar panels, before using that energy to power a home or factory at night.

The Powerwall sounds like the cheap and easy energy solution that haunts Gina Rinehart’s dreams at night — it can feed excess electricity back to the grid, is wall-mounted for convenience and can provide power during blackouts, and it only costs between US$3000 and $3500. Musk is planning on rolling out production in a US$5 billion gigafactory currently being built in the Nevada desert, with more on the way. According to Tesla, one domestic-size Powerwall battery is enough “to power most homes during evening peak hours,” and for larger houses or businesses numerous batteries can be installed together, like giant futuristic Lego blocks. It also looks like it could unfold into a robot super-soldier, which may be Musk’s true endgame here.

models-powerwall@2x

Everything in this press photo is a Decepticon in disguise.

 

In a classic Bond-villain-spoils-his-genius-plan move, Musk revealed the entire event was being powered by those very batteries, which had stored enough solar energy that day to power the event, which was held at night. In the dark.

Again: witch.

Either the Powerwall is a hitherto-unprecedented product that will spell the end of the fossil fuel industry as we know it and make affordable energy a reality for millions of people in developing nations, OR it’s a cunning ruse to get lethal cyborgs installed in people’s houses all over the world as part of Musk’s ongoing quest for world domination. I’ve seen I, Robot; I know how this ends, and it ends with Will Smith kicking robots in the face with his product-placement-tastic limited edition Converse sneakers.

“I love you, little Converse shoe. You are my rubber boy, my beautiful canvas son.”

 

Who will save us from Elon Musk?