A Very Serious Analysis Of Ben Affleck Getting Upset At Batman V Superman’s Bad Reviews

A wise philosopher called Tommy Cochrane once declared that life, it is but a highway. However right now, I’ve got a feeling that Ben Affleck—despite his wealth, Oscars and incredibly square jaw—does not want to ride it all night long. No, he does not.

Affleck, of course, stars as Batman in the much-anticipated blockbuster Batman v Superman, a movie that despite smashing March film opening records (in America alone it’s slated to have made in excess of $175 million) is getting very, very bad reviews. Junkee’s own reviewer described it as a “muddled, bloated mess” which, funnily enough, is how I would describe my Easter long weekend (haha just kidding, the film was way worse).

The thing is even before the film came out, Ben Affleck was already attracting a lot of heat for what Batman fans perceived to be very bad casting. Ergo, Ben Affleck has been sad about this film since 2013.

"Hey guys, you know how we have one and a half viable franchises? LET'S FUCK THEM BOTH UP REAL QUICK." -DC executives #batfleck

— Thomas Galvin (@thomascgalvin) August 23, 2013

On the weekend, someone called Sabconth uploaded a YouTube video of Ben Affleck and his co-star Henry Cavill being interviewed about the bad press the film has copped. Quite simply, this video is an exquisite journey of a man’s sudden and acute melancholia, an exploration of the pitfalls of fame and reckless excess, and the toll that this takes on a man’s soul.

This 1.08 minute video is a modern Great Gatsby.

Let’s break this down and analyse it almost to the second:

0.04: The interviewer utters the phrase “bad reviews”. Ben’s eyelids start fluttering erratically, as if blinking away the emotion he only allows when he is alone, in the dead of night.

0.08: Ben says: “I haven’t read them” but is immediately drowned out by the louder, more confident Cavill. Ben is used to this. This has happened all his life. He looks to the ground.

0.24: Ben forces a smile. ‘You know what? Things are really okay,’ he thinks to himself. ‘You’ve got a really good jaw, everyone has gotten over the Nanny thing, Ellen DeGeneres — patron saint of all controversial celebrities — has given me her tick of approval. Everything is going to be okay!’

0.28: Ben’s face falls when the interviewers asks whether the film’s unpopularity will affect how it performs in the box office. Ben doesn’t know. He is used to being unpopular. He has been here before.

0.30: Ben starts to descend into melancholy. ‘How did I get here?’ he wonders. He starts to think about Jennifer Garner telling everyone about how he “casts a shadow” on women, or something. If only she knew the truth: he is but a shadow.

0.37: ‘Wow, Cavill is still talking.’

0.40: ‘Quick, nod so it sounds like you’re listening to Cavill, instead of taking stock of every life decision you’ve ever made leading up to this moment.’

0.42:

0.50: ‘C’mon, it isn’t that bad, is it? I wonder if they’ll let me play a third superhero. I wonder if next time I’ll play Spiderman’s uncle.’

0.55: ‘I wonder what Matt’s doing.’

1.00: ‘Okay, Cavill is still talking.’

1.02: ‘Maybe I should have gotten naked in this one too.’

1.04: ‘I am but a shell of an Affleck’.