Culture

Barnaby Joyce And Christopher Pyne Are Giving Millions Of Fish Herpes, Did Not Specify How

Pray this isn't a Troy McClure-type situation.

by Alex McKinnon  2 May 2016

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Ever since ascending to the dizzying heights of the nation’s second-highest office, Barnaby Joyce has tried really, really hard to make his relationship with animals a little less weird. Despite some slip-ups, like briefly holding Johnny Depp and Amber Heard hostage to make a video about biosecurity, he’s kept his public appearances strictly human-related and largely refrained from stalking wild alpaca through the Great Dividing Range with a knife between his teeth.

But it couldn’t last. In one of his more restrained Question Time performances this afternoon, Joyce communicated the basics of his latest biosecurity policy by screaming the word “CAAAAAAAAAAAAARP” at the Labor Party over and over until the sentient worm living in his brain stem came back from its toilet break and got him under control again.

Normally, Barnaby Joyce endlessly roaring out the names of freshwater fish is known as ‘Monday’, but this time, at least, he had a reason for doing it. Yesterday, Science Minister Christopher Pyne announced a radical plan to cull the massive population of invasive European carp in the Murray-Darling river basin. By giving them herpes.

This is actually a pretty good idea — European carp have devastated biodiversity in the Murray-Darling basin in much the same way that rabbits used to wreak havoc on land, and biosecurity measures like myxomatosis and the rabbit calicivirus were vital in bringing the plague to a halt. But the great, unspoken question ringing in the ears of Australians and anxious carp everywhere has to be asked: how is Barnaby Joyce, as Agriculture Minister, going to give all these millions of fish herpes?

No. Dear God, no.

Given Barnaby’s questionable history with animals of all stripes, his excitable display in Parliament this afternoon and just his general vibe, it’s important that Australia’s free and fair press ask these difficult questions. No one wants to know the answer, but the people have to know.

In the meantime, 2016’s hottest ringtone is sorted.

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Feature image via the AMWU.