‘The Bachelorette’ Power Ranking: Bring Me Old Men In Velvet Suits, Won’t You
More men! Some more peaches, delivered straight to our door!
Well, what have we here! More men! Some more peaches, delivered straight to our door!
Some aged men, some matured man meat, some fleshy sacks who have seen many rotations of this planet. More than you, perhaps!
Some fathers, some grandfathers, some fathers and grandfathers who have borne life, who have fertilised eggs, who have kept the species going for the continuation of our race (human).
SOME MEN!
LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!
Winners
Apollo (9 points)
Sophie is incredibly suss that Apollo, the 24-year-old magician, seems so lovely. But recently, Sophie made a decision to let herself believe that… magic is real.
The single date is about being “old school”. Jarrod is elated. “I’m old school,” he says loudly to The Boys. “I crushed grapes with my feet!” Everyone agrees that that is an extremely old thing to do.
Apollo gets the date! Everyone cheers, because they all love Apollo and if anyone was going to have a crack at your missus, man, you’d hope it was Apollo. Jarrod’s head looks like a translucent balloon full of blood that is about to explode.
Sophie is impressed by Apollo’s kindness and the way his muscles jut out from his chest like they’re trying to run away from his skeleton. Sophie says that this date is about old fashioned romance, which thank god, I am simply SICK of modern courtship! Bring back the days of dowries and conscription, won’t you please!
Anyway, it’s a 1950s themed date. That means that Sophie has a different hairdo, drives an old car and at the end of the day, Apollo has to join the effort to stop the spread of the Soviet Union.
“Vintage is so my jam!” says Apollo. Apollo is young, so maybe 1992 is quite vintage to him. Perhaps ‘Baby Got Back’ is his favourite vintage song. Sophie makes Apollo dress up in a ‘1950s’ suit, and is so taken aback by how handsome he is that she asks, “how are you?” even though they have already been together for half a day. Then they have a good old chat.
Sophie Monk: “Are you into social media?”
Apollo: “No.”
Sophie Monk: “I used to not love it, but now I love social media.”
Priceless stuff.
Sophie explains that they did not have social media in the 1950s – they did have McCarthyism though! But we aren’t talking about McCarthyism today, we’re talking about Sophie Monk and Apollo Something playing a game involving questions and a camera just like in the 1950s, I guess.
“I would massage your feet if you worked really hard,” Sophie says, because the game involves her massaging Apollo’s feet. She wipes Apollo’s foot sweat off her hands and onto his trousers. Later Apollo puts his hands in Sophie’s dress to teach her how to juggle. You would probably be arrested for that in the 1950s.
“We’re having so much fun,” Sophie explains.
After discussing Sputnik at length, Sophie changes her outfit for the kissing portion of the evening. Apollo studied tap, jazz and Latin dancing as a child, so he is able to both twirl and shuffle Sophie Monk around to old piano music that doesn’t actually encourage any of those styles of dancing.
Apollo reckons that his friend told him that he and Sophie Monk have “similar personalities” which makes ME think he’s suss, but seems to have the opposite effect on Sophie Monk. In any case, he’s single because his “job doesn’t agree with everyone”. Sophie Monk nods knowingly. Houdini had that same problem.
Sophie gives Apollo a rose. Apollo kisses her tenderly. It’s just like the 1950s, except everyone has been vaccinated for polio.
Stu (8 points)
A new peach! Stu fared the best in the new batch of peaches, mainly because he has already been rejected by Sophie Monk once before.
As the old young contestants gathered in a polo field, they were feeling confident. “Competition is on heat this week,” says Blake. Sophie Monk tells them though that she’s worried that they’re all too young to settle down. It’s not like you can just Force Quit this group and start again with a new batch!
“I’M GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS TODAY,” says Osher, who then starts kicking their ears and slapping their necks and kicking and slapping and biting until these young boys run, just leave the — oh no, he’s just bringing in some older peaches!
“They better bring some heat, the boys are fired up right now,” says Blake, who only thinks in fire metaphors and maybe doesn’t even know about other elements.
As The Boys watch and are young, Stu (44) walks in with a bottle of sparkling wine. “OH, HOW ORIGINAL!!!!” says Ryan, a relaxed man. Mack freaks out because Sophie remembers Stu — remembers him! People don’t just remember other people! Normally people forget people!
“He’s older but that doesn’t mean he’s mature, just because he’s mature in age,” says Jarrod.
Stu knows Sophie Monk because he once organised an event for her that she didn’t end up attending, or something. “I already stood him up,” explains Sophie. “He must really like me!”
Jarrod decides that Stu is a threat.
AJ (7 points)
AJ was the cleverest of the new peaches because he immediately won over The Boys, sensing their approval was important.
“He looks old,” one of the lads says as soon as he gets out of the chopper. AJ is a chef, so he made Sophie… a menu? Hm, that’s a bit like a shoe designer bringing an inner sole, but let’s let it slide.
Despite being suspicious of all the other peaches, The Boys take to AJ straight away. “OVER HERE, MATE!” one of them yells. “AJ looks awesome,” says another, not having spoken to him yet.
They all hug him. AJ does some physical comedy and they all laugh. I wonder if it would be different if AJ had hair. “I’ll allow him into the group,” says Blake, a man with no power.
Guy (6 points)
Guy is the most perplexing peach. “He looks like a muppet,” says Ryan. “He looks like James Bond!” says Sophie Monk. Neither of these things are true. But there is something about Guy that seems… different.
Maybe it’s because he brought Sophie Monk sunglasses (he’s an optometrist) and then explained the gift with all the awkwardness of an extra-terrestrial alien spy practicing conversational English before eating our brains and turning Earth into his planet’s landfill.
“Hopefully these will make you see clearly… who you want to be with… at the end,” says Guy.
“Thanks Guy,” says Sophie.
“He’s the same height as you, Jarrod,” says Blake, because stitching up Jarrod really is exceptional fun. Jarrod is furious that Guy dares to be the same height as him. “I’m not even 1 percent nervous,” says Guy, a man who calculates emotions by percentages.
“HE DIDN’T LOOK ME IN THE EYE,” says Sam, outraged. “HE’S AN ASSHOLE.” The others are similarly suspicious. “He’s BRITISH??” says another.
IS NOTHING SAFE FROM OUR COLONIAL OPPRESSORS?????
The men immediately hate him. “He hasn’t been to etiquette school,” says Sam.
“He hasn’t been to big boy school,” Sam quickly adds, confused but assured that whatever the right school is, Guy certainly has not attended it.
Paul (5 points)
Paul is a 39-year-old grandfather! That’s interesting. He grew his hair long because he went back to university! That’s less interesting.
“I have five kids,” Paul says. “Did he say kittens,” says one of the boys. “I’m not threatened at all,” says Blake.
Losers
Jarrod (4 points)
Jarrod has decided that the way to win Sophie Monk’s heart is through sheer intensity and a humourless approach to competition. It’s not working. Jarrod seems to think that if he wins a task — like really wins it, by a mile — Sophie Monk will throw her manicured hands in the air and declare, “IT’S OVER, JARROD IS MY SWEETIE.”
“I’m really hoping this date is competitive,” says Jarrod, punching tree trunks in case the date involves bare-knuckle boxing. Osher, simply itching to start a class war, says, “Who here can ride a horse?” Most of the men are shamed.
Osher then tells them that they’re playing polo on bikes anyway, so it doesn’t even matter, haha. It’s old peaches versus baby peaches! Being in his thirties, Luke has to join the older peaches. He is devastated. “I love the boys,” he explains, sadly.
“My strategy is to annihilate the new guys,” says Jarrod who thinks he is Jason Bourne but better. Instead of annihilating the new guys, Jarrod ends up colliding with Blake, someone who is not only not new, but who is also on Jarrod’s team.
As Blake bleeds freely from the mouth, Jarrod explains that he actually did Blake a favour because getting hurt means he’s getting attention from Sophie. Blake initially seems more concerned with stopping the blood gushing down his throat and generally just trying to keep his mouth innards encased in his skin.
I worry for The Boys and Sophie and us all.
When Jarrod is finished drawing blood from his fellow contestants, the fellas settle in for a few cold ones and lively discussion about how the new guys are deadshits and Sophie probably doesn’t like them anyway. “I don’t see Guy making an impact!” says Luke. Sam decides to go straight to the source.
Sam: “DID YOU FEEL YOU ESTABLISHED A CONNECTION???”
Guy: “Yes.”
Sam to camera: “I see Guy as a threat.”
Now that there are new people, Jarrod is pretending that he hasn’t spent the last few weeks actively alienating all the other contestants and yelling at them and making them bleed.
“I don’t want any of our guys going,” says Jarrod, because he’ll probably need help if he wants to kidnap these new contestants and leave them stranded in the forest. (Jarrod could survive that.) (He’d just eat bark and drink his own eyeball sweat.)
Stu and Sophie Monk accidentally kiss (SUSS!!!) and Jarrod flips his lid. “GET THAT GUY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!” he says to a frightened contestant whose name I’ve forgotten (it’s probably Scott or Will or something).
Blake (3 points)
Ow!
Luke (2 points)
Wore the hat again, I see!
Seeya!
Paul
Hayden
Harry
Brent?
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The Bachelorette is on 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays on Channel Ten.
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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins. Read more of her Bachelorette power rankings here.