The Bachelorette Recap: In Which The Maiden Quits Her Job For Two Bracelets And A Mexican Donkey

The Bachelorette is BACK. Her name is Georgia Love and she, like many in post-Norman Conquest Britain circa 11th century, is named after her occupation — her occupation of primarily being love. The producers are going to great lengths to emphasise that this woman, this woman Georgia Love, has quit her job to better focus on the pursuit of love, something that the Bachelor has never, ever been required to do.

“Your career is not going to go home and hug you at night,” explains Georgia Love. Oh boy.

Georgia Love was a journalist, but being a journalist somehow hindered her capacity to find love — on account of the local news in Hobart keeping her far too occupied to nail random locals, or something. It’s clear that this is going to be the dominant theme of the season and I gotta say, I actually feel for Georgia Love — who seems very nice — because even if this isn’t a massive beat up by Channel Ten, she is putting a lot of pressure on herself to find a dude who makes quitting her job worth it.

Even Osher is like, “Yo, why did you quit your job for this fam” and Georgia Love explains that she’s willing to “give it all away” for the right guy; a guy who will have to compensate for all the things she’s now lacking in her life, good luck pals!

So how did the presenters chose to (mis)represent these men? LET’S MEET THE CONTESTANTS!!

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Cameron

Identifier: Cameron is a firefighter and a sex fantasy. After meeting him, Georgia Love immediately says: “I want to strip away his uniform” and is then horrified that she has said this. Georgia Love is already fantasising about Cameron being her slam piece.

Georgia Love’s reaction: Georgia loses her shit when she finds out he has been in a firefighter calendar. She loses her shit about him being tall and cannot bloody fathom that Cameron likes Disney movies too! Just like her! “STOP IT!” they both keep saying to each other, like two people desperately grasping for something they have in common. They both think that Aladdin is the best character in Aladdin, and I cannot think of anything more offensive than that, who are these empty shells.

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Jake

Identifier: Jakes is a ‘sales professional’ whatever that means, and he wore a shiny jacket.

Georgia Love’s reaction: For some reason, Georgia checked his hand for a ring (Georgia, why would married men come on this show, you are not being tricked) and then Jake said that he only has one ring with his initials on it, and his father, brother and mother also have the same sort of ring. “It’s different initials, but the same ring,” Jake says, confirming that his father, mother and brother are not also named Jake.

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Rhys

Identifier: Rhys says he is an entrepreneur/model, but is only listed on the screen as a model. The rest of the boys refer to him as ‘Harry Potter’. He doesn’t explain what his business is, except to say that “I get my fingers in a lot of things” which seems incredibly NSFW and yet Georgia Love does not think this is strange.

Rhys partakes in the traditional ‘drunk white people doing yoga’ portion of the first episode. “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!” fellow contestant Sam tells him. “I wasn’t even impressed,” Sam says to the camera later. Rhys has a lot of enemies, you can’t make friends with downward dog, Rhys.

Georgia Love’s reaction: When Rhys tries to impress her by speaking French, which he assumes she doesn’t know because in Tasmania they don’t know about France yet, she softly breaks it to him that she does actually know French. “Thank you for learning French for me,” she says sweetly. Georgia Love thinks that Rhys has learnt a new language specifically to impress her. Georgia Love is very optimistic.

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Courtney

Identifier: Courtney wears wacky shirts and wants everyone to know that he is ready for love. “Love will smack you in the face!” he explains. I think maybe Courtney is getting love confused with magpies, best of luck Courtney.

Georgia Love’s reaction: Courtney makes Georgia Love a bracelet made from dry pasta and she thinks it’s really romantic. Courtney explains that it reminds him of his girlfriend in grade two, who his brother stole. “Thank god my brother isn’t here!” Courtney keeps saying. (Can someone check on Courtney).

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Dale, Ryan and Matt 

Identifier: These men were introduced very quickly, and they each had a present for her: a rose, an mp3 player and a “Ryan Survival Kit”, because a relationship with Ryan could kill you, I guess? Hm, keep your eyes on Ryan.

Georgia Love’s reaction: “I feel so lucky to be standing here!”

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Carlos

Identifier: Carlos was the stripper who also claimed he used “Tinder for business” which seems confusing to me, but also I actively chose not to think about it too much. “Some guys like to collect hats, I like to collect businesses,” Carlos tells Georgia, also emphasising that he doesn’t “sleep or rest” on account of his vague and increasingly sexy sounding career.

Carlos asks Georgia Love if she likes poems, then she says yes, and then for some puzzling reason he says: “ I don’t have a poem, here’s a bracelet”. Was Carlos hoping he could lower her expectations with the promise of a poem and then when she was like, “Urgh, a poem, what a cheapskate”, wow her with the gift of a bracelet? Who knows, because he got kicked out on the first episode. Bye Carlos.

Georgia Love’s reaction: “This is the craziest night I’ve ever had!” Georgia Love said after meeting Carlos, but before not giving him a rose.

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Lee

Identifier: He’s the guy who brought a donkey in a sombrero. “Women love animals,” Carlos explains. All the men agree.

Georgia Love’s reaction: “Haha, it’s a donkey!”

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Aaron

Identifier: Aaron looks like he could be related to Sasha who won last season, but probably isn’t. You probably remember Aaron on account of everyone being in love with him, especially Rhys who announces that they’re now best friends. “We have the exact same sense of humour!” Rhys says. Everyone agrees that Aaron is a crack-up, however the show does not confirm this fact by actually showing him saying or doing anything funny.

Aaron and Rhys get on so well, that they end up talking to each other more than Georgia. At one point, they both sit with Georgia and explain to her how well they get on while staring at each other. “Rhys is my favourite in the house,” Aaron says. We know, Aaron.

Georgia Love’s reaction: “It was weird.”

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Jack, Tommy and Matt

Identifiers: ???

Georgia Love’s reaction: ???

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Ben

Identifier: Ben has spiky blonde hair and an energy that suggests that he’s on massive amounts of cocaine, but that’s an illegal substance in Australia so we know that he’s not. Ben’s just excited. Ben falls over when he meets Georgia Love.

Georgia Love’s reaction: Georgia Love is a cat person, but is polite when Ben gives her a t-shirt that he pretends his dogs made. It says “Pick our dad!” and has his face on it. Friends, I think we’ve found our Alex.

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Clancy

Identifier: Clancy is the one who brought a razor in case Georgia Love doesn’t like beards. Clancy is obsessed with appearing normal. He tells the producers that his game plan is to “let the boisterous people crash and burn” and not draw attention to himself. Georgia Love compliments him on his name and he says, “Yeah, bit of a weird name”. He invites her to shave him if she thinks his beard is too weird.

Georgia Love’s reaction: Georgia Love takes advantage of the rare power position she has been afforded, and decides to shave his face in front of the group, as if warning them about the consequences of dissent. She does a really bad job and I think that’s on purpose. I think I love Georgia Love now.

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Sam

Identifier: Sam is a model who has already been presented as the villain of the season. He seems genuinely perplexed by the concept of the show, as “usually they come to me”. ‘They’ means hot women, who are powerless against Sam’s charms. Sam’s hobbies seem to be motorbikes and showering.

Georgia Love’s reaction: Sam asks Georgia a series of mundane questions to ascertain their compatibility and Georgia’s subservience to his tastes. He asks her about pineapple on pizza, coriander, sauce bottles and “Steve Carrell versus Jim Carrey” which tells you more about this guy than a ten-minute intro ever could. If these questions were the ones that went to air, imagine the questions that didn’t. She gets all these questions wrong.

“It has just baffled me,” Sam says earnestly. “Usually girls just agree with what I have to say.” Okay.

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Now Georgia Love has met all the contestants and has proven that she’s relatable by falling down in front of them all. The main topic of conversation in the mansion is how good looking everyone is; a conversation that is full of such raw intensity that I wonder if the first night didn’t descend into some Roman-style orgy.

“WOWEE, FABIO!” said one guy. “GOOD LOOKING ROOSTER!” said another guy who I’ve already forgotten. “You look fucking amazing!” said Ben, his eyes wide with anticipation, his jaw chewing with excitement.

Courtney gets the first impression rose! Sam announces that his biggest competition is himself, good work Sam! Georgia Love sends Carlos and Dale home!

Best of luck Georgia Love, if the show keeps up this “QUIT YO JOB, LADIES” narrative I might send myself back in time and a book a seat on the Titanic, good luck!

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The Bachelorette is on Channel Ten at 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays. Tomorrow we will be publishing a Power Ranking, god help us.