‘The Bachelorette’ Power Ranking: Cradle This Goat Teat And Prove You’re Not A Bad Boi
Only four chicken nugget men left!
Sometimes you just need a laugh, huh?
So let’s do this. Let’s be dumb for a minute. Let’s make fun of some chicken nugget men with identical haircuts and maybe even the same name, I don’t know, probably. I don’t know their mum.
There are only five Anglo Saxons left in this competition. Who will Sophie choose? She doesn’t know! “I don’t know!” says Sophie at one point in the episode. How can she not know! With all those eligible bachelors swanning around!
How can she not have a preference.
LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!!!
Winners
Stu (100 points, who cares)
Ah, Stu. Much like the thick, gelatinous meat water from whence your name came, you really are just a comforting entity, a real down-to-earth friend to the common people, an extremely reliable vat of warm and cloudy carcass liquid and mostly carrots. Aren’t we all!
Well done, Stu.
Stu did extremely well in the group challenge last night, a challenge that I still don’t understand but understand enough that it made me mad. The boys were surprised to see a strange man standing next to Osher and were immediately suspicious and frightened.
It turns out that Jarrod doesn’t need to bury Smiling Man’s body in the woods, because he’s not here to steal Sophie Monk’s heart. His name is Johnny Something and he is the ‘Chief Matching Scientist’ for an online dating site, a man who is so good at matching people — and at science — that he has risen to the very top of his field (his previous title being ‘2IC Matching Scientist’).
Osher explains that Johnny is here to figure out who is more compatible with Sophie, which I thought this show was meant to do, huh okay, let’s do this. Then Johnny starts talking and woah, what the bloody hell is that accent! It’s not our accent that’s for sure!!!! The show, as if also suspicious of Johnny’s accent, starts playing threatening, stressful music.
Anyway, there is a thing with a pie chart and everyone has to fill their pie chart according to their personalities and even Sophie Monk looks bored and Osher explains the rules like 20 times and everyone still looks at him blankly. It’s so boring.
Apparently, according to the science of pie charts, humans have eight personality traits. No more, no less, so don’t even think about it. These traits are:
— Organised
— Adventure
— Ambition
— Being nice, maybe
— Smart
— Pie
— Unorganised
— Ambition
“There are a lot of aspects to my personality,” Sophie Monk explains. “There are a lot of good personality traits we have in common,” says Blake. Budget Pirates of the Caribbean music plays for some reason.
Osher, who sometimes calls Johnny ‘Jonathan’ as if he’s worried he’s not giving his rank the respect it deserves, asks Johnny to go through the pie charts. “This guy wants to share every single feeling he has,” Johnny says, pointing at one rather dramatic looking pie chart, which to my eyes just looks like a circle with key words from ‘Iris’ by the Goo Goo Dolls written on it.
Jarrod nods proudly.
James is kicked out of the challenge. “I’m devastated,” says James, but he keeps smiling because James just has that kind of face. Round two of the challenge involves dressing mannequins according to how the contestants would like Sophie to dress on a date. Ah yes, fantastic, very good!
Seems like a weird task, Johnny! “It will tell us about… things they… like to… do?” says Johnny. Johnny is quickly running out of excuses. “I actually have no problem around the female body, my strength is taking clothes off,” says Blake, a man who has absolutely seen a woman naked, so don’t even worry about it!
Jarrod starts loading his Sophie mannequin up with beanies, scarves and a bathrobe, but also a bikini. His mannequin looks like a character in an apocalypse movie who has spent 20 years just trying to survive, has forgotten how clothes work and is just sort of putting everything on their person all at once for apocalypse convenience.
Stu shines in the final round, maybe because he was cheating by sending coded messages, maybe because Sophie Monk has already chosen him and this show is a farce. It doesn’t matter why!
Stu wins extra time with Sophie and they sit at a couch surrounded by candles. Sophie asks Stu if has ever been compatible with anyone and he says, “Not as much as with you” which is extremely fine to say, especially when you were married for 15 years and have four kids. Fine!!!
“Do you think you could be happy with me?” says Sophie.
“I am happy with you,” says Stu.
Stu thinks they’re already going out.
They make out and Sophie Monk giggles a lot, can’t believe Stu has already won The Bachelorette.
Blake (6 points)
Blake won the single date this week. When he was chosen, Stu squished his face against the side of Blake’s face to show him how happy he was.
Sophie Monk wants to get to know Blake. Blake wants to prove that he’s not a bad boy, so pops on a jacket with a French slogan on the back, chucks on some shoes (no socks) and meets Sophie at the farm.
Sophie likes the country. She says she hates the city because it’s full of “parking fines and anxiety” which coincidentally, is my favourite Alanis Morissette song. Sophie gets Blake to feed milk to goats, you know, just like country folk do on dates.
One goat is extremely suspicious of this lunacy.
Blake and Sophie milk the goats and everyone has a horrible time. Sophie then announces that they are making cheese and Blake decides to make it harder by pretending his arms are Sophie’s arms. They laugh over cheese they will never eat.
Night falls and it’s time for kissies. “Is it weird that I got turned on by that?” says Blake, when discussing milking the goats. Sophie laughs.
Sophie decides that maybe Blake isn’t a bad boy because he tells her, “I don’t see why you would ever put a girl down. I wasn’t brought up that way” which is almost certainly something that Ross from Friends would say.
Sophie goes to sink some sparkling and then Blake kisses her. She pulls away. Something is about to happen.
Sophie: “I have a surprise.”
Blake: “Oh yes, my lapel is ready for the ro–“
Sophie: “MY FRIENDS FROM HURRICANE FALL WANT TO SING US A SONG!”
Blake is so mad that Hurricane Fall are there, that he just makes out with Sophie right in front of them. That’s just how he was brought up.
Losers
Apollo (4 points)
Apollo didn’t have much of an impact on the competition this week, but did have a great time winding up Jarrod for shits and giggles.
Jarrod (1 point)
Would you like to know what Jarrod is obsessed with this week, okay sure, it is Blake. Jarrod has decided that Blake has a “game plan” and that his game plan is working. He talks about this plan as if it involves locking them all in the mansion and setting it on fire.
Jarrod decides his best bet is to turn everyone else — who are still his enemies, but are his less successful enemies, enemies without plans — against Blake. “OUR BLOODY PAL BLAKE IS STILL ON THE DATE!” Jarrod says at the cocktail party, nursing a Sav Blanc and a bad attitude.
Blake comes in and Stu hugs him like he’s been gone for decades and is also his son. “You look like a million dollars!” he says of Blake’s white jacket. Jarrod is furious.
Blake explains to the boys that he is coming out of his shell and Sophie is coming out of her shell, and they’re just a couple of bald boiled eggs rolling around and looking for love. The thought of someone else taking Sophie’s shell off is too much for Jarrod to bear.
“I DON’T WANT SOPHIE TO GET A DUD AT THE END OF IT,” he bellows.
“You calling me a dud,” says Blake.
This fight goes nowhere.
Seeya!
Bye James! Haha, big mistake lady.
Only four men left!
–
The Bachelorette is on 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays on Channel Ten.
–
Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins. Read more of her Bachelorette power rankings here.