‘The Bachelorette’ Premiere Power Ranking: Cry If You’ve Never Been Cheated On
This is going to be great.
Honestly, I can’t think of anything more important to talk about right now than a fake dating show, I honestly can’t–
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahshaahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahshaahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahshaahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahshaahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahshaahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahshaahahaha
Whatever, we’re all back on this bullshit, let’s have a breather and get real silly.
Sophie Monk seems like a nice person and is certainly a very funny person, so let’s all wish her luck as she swans around in this mansion with these 18 (mostly Anglo Saxon) clean mans. The Bachelorette is back!
(I don’t know what the invasion of Botany Bay looked like, but now I kind of feel like I do.)
Oh yeah.
Osher explains that Sophie Monk is a human person who has at times been in love and then in other times, has not been in love. Sophie Monk is just a normal who walks her dog in a floor-length dress that scrapes the footpath, and yet is impervious to footpath dirt and animal filth, and then stops to take photos with strangers.
She says she “lost [herself] in Hollywood and not feeling the love”. I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds serious. You might say she got caught up in the… lifestyles of the rich and the famous!!!! (Benji Madden joke)
Normal stuff over here actually!!!
Sophie wants a love like her parents have, the kind of love where you laugh at each other and drink chilled white wine and live in an entirely white house and just have a huge chunk of brie sitting on your kitchen counter. Her family is extremely supportive of her decision to be on the show.
“I can’t wait for someone to lean in for a kiss and touch your leg,” says Sophie Monk’s little sister which, hm, okay, same I guess.
“I can’t wait to see someone lightly caress you with their firm but gentle hand.”
“Did you hear me, sissy?”
Can’t wait for these men to touch Sophie Monk’s leg, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!!
Winners
Sam (10 points)
Sam got Sophie Monk’s attention initially by sending his three small nephews to meet her before he met her. Chicks love that.
“Will you date our uncle,” said Boy 2.
“I’LL DATE YOU!” said Sophie.
The boys weren’t prepared for this!!!!
“Oh no, we didn’t mean this lady should be our girlfriend!!!!”
Sophie Monk asks the nephews how many girlfriends Sam has had. They decide among themselves that he has had either three or five. The nephews are an enigma.
Sam finally comes out and shoos the nephews away. “I use them to break the ice,” he explains. “Sometimes I take them to Target to try on bras!” The nephews become more compelling by the minute!
“My nephews think I look like Thor,” Sam says. The nephews have a dark and sadistic sense of humour and suddenly I feel scared for Sam.
Just a guy who looks like Thor, actually!!!
Later on, Sam competes in a “walk off” and loses. Did you know that people still referenced Zoolander? Neither! What a world, I tell ya. Anyway, one man called Hayden throws a pair of underwear at Sophie Monk to “leave my mark on her” (“He’s an undie-throwing savage,” says one of the men, presumably while adjusting his eye-glass) but somehow, Sam still loses. He has to do an undie run.
This is apparently very attractive to Sophie Monk. She decides to give Sam the Double Delight Rose (not a sex thing!!) which means that Sam gets two single dates. “That’s more than one!” explains one of the men (a scientist). I can’t wait for the nephews to find a way to fuck this up for Sam.
Meanwhile, the other lads were thrilled. “I’M NOT THREATENED!” said Blake, a man who feels comfortable and not threatened. “Sam is loud in a great way,” says a man allegedly named Bingham.
I guess he’s one of these.
Apollo (9 points)
Apollo is so handsome and charming that not even the fact that he’s a full-time magician can affect his stock! I’m so glad that Sophie Monk is meeting regular Australians. He impresses Sophie Monk by turning a napkin into a rose made out of napkins! He says he loves to make people smile!
“Kids love magic,” says Sophie.
“Everyone loves magic,” says Apollo, defensively.
Cool your jets Apollo.
“HAHAHA, CHILDREN LOVE TRICKS.”
“Haha.”
Apollo thinks Sophie Monk is here for the right reasons, which he knows because he is here for the right reasons (the wrong reasons being to use The Bachelorette as a platform for a David Blaine-style magic reality show primarily set in Westfield shopping centres).
Everyone is in love with Apollo. “You look at him and you think: I’m not even a man,” says one of the men, sadly. But he isn’t sad for long, because Apollo does a magic trick and cheers him up again.
“Imagine what he could turn a bed sheet into!” says Sophie Monk. Haha, yeah girl! I hear ya! Imagine! Oooh, boy. (Am I doing nude stuff wrong, please don’t tell me.)
“HOLY HECK, THIS BLOKE DOES BLOODY RIPPER MAGIC, I’M UPSET AT HOW INADEQUATE I FEEL, BUT AM BLOWN AWAY BY THE MAGICAL ARTS!!”
“Now for my trick with the bed sheet.”
Jarrod (8 points)
Jarrod owns a winery, but he doesn’t like girls to know that he owns a winery because he thinks they only want him for his winery. He likes to be outside in nature and he owns lots of animals. At one point he asks an alpaca if it’s time to search for love. The alpaca seems unmoved.
“Excuse me majestic alpaca, do you think Sophie Monk is my special love.”
“The pursuit of human love is meaningless.”
“The alpaca revolution begins tonight.”
Jarrod brings Sophie Monk a large platter of grapes, like the Greek mating rituals of old. He asks her to crush grapes with him.
“I’M DOWN FOR ANYTHING!” she says.
“IF IT’S FUN!” she adds, as an important caveat.
It’s extremely fun, so all is well. Jarrod says that he was in the military for ages and was stationed in dangerous places overseas. “I went to Iraq,” Sophie Monk says and rolls her eyes for some reason. Sophie tells Jarrod how the press said things like, “haven’t they suffered enough!” when she went.
“BUT YOU’RE A MORALE BOOSTER!!!” Jarrod says in genuine shock.
“He’s a real man,” Sophie Monk says.
Blake (7 points)
Blake is good at business, he says, because he knows exactly what he wants. We know this is true because we see him say, “How much will it cost?” into a smartphone while sitting at a café.
“I’m nothing like this show has ever seen before,” says Blake.
Well, I’m convinced!!!!!
James (6 points)
James is so shy. I really felt for Shy James, but I do think it worked in his favour.
“Hi I’m James,” James says and gives Sophie Monk a rose quartz pendant. He tells her he thinks she’s really funny. “Correct… Just kidding!” Sophie Monk says.
“HAHA!” says James.
James tries to remember his breathing exercises.
The Possum (5 points)
“SOPHIE, THERE’S AN OTTER IN THE POOL, QUICK!!!”
“SOPHIE!!!!!”
“Oh, wait.”
“Sorry Sophie, it was just a possum, sorry.”
“Sorry Sophie.”
“Who are these fucking idiots, why would they think I’m an otter, can’t wait to tell my possum boys about this.”
Losers
Eden (4 points)
I was not opposed to Eden wearing a tracksuit and doing a little breakdance for Sophie Monk. You do you, Eden! We’ve all got to express our truth. You know what I didn’t love? That Eden “likes to test people” when he first meets them.
“I make fun of people when I first meet them,” says Eden. Then he tells Sophie Monk that she’s old like a boombox.
“I love a talent,” says Sophie Monk.
Namaste.
Jourdan (3 points)
“I’M SUPER WEIRD!!!!!” says Jourdan.
“I don’t know my type but they have to be weird,” says Jourdan.
“I hope Sophie is weird,” says Jourdan.
Jourdan didn’t win many friends in the house this week. It didn’t help that halfway through the night he developed a limp, presumably as a fresh new persona he was trying out. When Sophie Monk asked everyone to drink if they had been cheated on, Jourdan started crying. “Oh no, Jourdan!” said Sophie. “Have you been cheated on?”
“No, someone once said I had been cheating on them,” said Jourdan.
“OH, ‘cos she was cheating on you?” said Sophie.
“No,” said Jourdan.
Everyone was confused as to why Jordan was crying. The boys tried to be supportive because Sophie was watching, but also didn’t know how to comfort Jourdan given none of these misfortunes had ever befallen him and he was just imagining how terrible cheating must be.
Hm, he really does like weird things.
“Thanks guys for supporting me, the idea of cheating on someone really does make me sad.”
“Thanks Sophie especially for this kissies.”
Mack (2 points)
Mack has had a crush on Sophie for 10 years. He sang her a song called, ‘Mack and Sophie’.
“YOOOOOOOOOUUUU,” Mack sang.
“MEEEEEEEE,” he continued to sing.
“You you you you you you you,” he still continued to sing.
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” he sang again.
It wasn’t a very good song.
‘Mack and Sophie’ streaming on TIDAL now.
Ryan (1 point)
Meeting Ryan kind of reminded me of that Bardot song ‘These Days’ — the best Bardot song, according to myself — when one of the brunette non-Sophies sings: “I’m positively somewhere”. What a line! Aren’t we all positively somewhere?
Anyway, I had never felt more positively somewhere than I did when watching Ryan and hoping to crumble into the core of the earth, good luck though Ryan.
Ryan is very aggressive. Everything he said to Sophie Monk was a not-so-veiled criticism. At any given moment he seemed to be trying to engage at least three people — including Sophie Monk — in fisticuffs.
Ryan said so many deplorable things about Sophie Monk/the other contestants/humanity, that after a while I actually stopped writing them down. I have very little time for the nonsense this man was saying. He did not do well with Sophie Monk this week.
One thing I can say about Ryan: he’s positively somewhere.
One of these mens is Ryan.
Seeya!
Chad: Bye!
Jamie: Bye!
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The Bachelorette is on 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays on Channel Ten.
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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.