You know, I think it was the philosopher Haddaway who once posed the moral quandary, ‘What Is Love?’. I mean, what is it anyway?

Is it going to a concert with someone, and being the only two people in attendance, and then not even crying about it? Is it body shaming a sea mammal that looks like a smiling varicose vein? Is it just turning up, getting a fistful of gel — like really quite a lot. If it’s not dripping out from between your fingers it’s not enough — and just sort of mashing it into your top middle scalp and then raising your front hair to the roof*?

I don’t know, I was asking you!!!

Anyway, you know the story: the young maiden has decided that she better marry soon because of this heteronormative nightmare society — I mean, it seems nice, have a good one everyone. She chooses the finest men in the land to potentially spend her life with. These men turn out to be a magician, a wine maker and some guy who’s had a vasectomy and whose party she didn’t go to one time.

So. Good luck, I guess.

*Why does Stu wear so much gel in his hair, is this a Gen X thing, did they do it in Reality Bites.

LET’S DO THE SECOND-LAST POWER RANKING!!!!!!!

Winner

Jarrod (50 or 100, whatever you like)

Jarrod did well this week, and we’re all fooling ourselves if we think otherwise. It’s Jarrod’s world and we’re just living in it.

Sophie Monk thinks she could have a “relationship” with any of the men who were chosen to be the final three, which doesn’t say that much. I have a relationship with the lady across the road who sells me milk. I have a relationship with this laptop I’m typing on. I have a relationship with that packet of Mint Slices in the fridge. I have a relationship with you, kind of, I guess, maybe. Those are the four main types of relationships.

Anyway, last week Jarrod told Sophie Monk that he wants to possess her soul and weave her dead skin into bed socks, just kidding, he told her that he loved her. Everyone knew this, no one was surprised.

“He’s the only one to say that!” Sophie says. Maybe that bit is kind of a surprise.

Sophie likes that Jarrod is “sincere and intense”. She likes that she never has to guess what Jarrod is thinking because he seems to compulsively blurt out even his most audaciously murderous thoughts. He’s not usually the kind of guy she goes for, but she explains that he should be the kind of guy she goes for. You know, a normal guy.

Normal guy.

Sophie arrives to their date in some sort of Transformer. “Man, she looks hot!!!” says Jarrod.

“Sophie, not the car!!!!” he adds, in case we get any wild ideas about Jarrod wanting to make love to a car. He’s normal!!!! Sophie allows Jarrod to drive the car and he begins to drive so fast, that for a second it feels like he’s just trying to make a break for it.

Sophie and Jarrod feel as though they have known each other “forever”, when in fact in human time, they have known each other for less than two months. Jarrod says that even though he has really been focused on winning Sophie’s heart, he will also “walk out with a few friends”.

Ah, yes! All those good friends Jarrod made! All those times he shared with his very best and true friends.

Their date is playing with go-karts. “I’m very competitive,” Jarrod says. “Jarrod is very competitive,” Sophie says. Jarrod – a competitive man – loves to win. But he also loves Sophie (not in a winning-a-competition kind of way!!!) so he feels as though he should let her win. This kills him.

“I have to flog Sophie, I’m sorry,” he says, after a couple of seconds of deliberation. It doesn’t kill him for too long.  

Jarrod does not win! Given winemakers notoriously have the upper-hand when it comes to go-karting, Sophie Monk is allowed to do three less laps than Jarrod to make up for this obvious and unfair advantage. For boring reasons, this means that Jarrod has to be her servant for the day.

As her servant, Jarrod offers to give Sophie Monk a piggy-back. Ah what bliss, to be carried somewhere very uncomfortably, as your thighs ache and your butt hangs in the air at an odd angle, moving at a much slower rate than regular walking.

“I COULD GET USED TO THIS!!!” says Sophie, lying.

Night falls and the time for vulnerability is upon us. Jarrod tells Sophie that his mother liked her – and she’s blunt! When he forgets to open the door, she just stands there, or something! Doesn’t get any blunter than that, I’d say. Sophie nods in understanding. A lot of this show is people saying ridiculous things and another person nodding at them.

Speaking of: Jarrod says it felt SO RIGHT to tell Sophie that he loved her that time. It was just right. He knows she can’t respond – they’re on a game show, after all – but also, what does she think about it? His love, that is?

It goes well.

Sophie bursts into tears because Jarrod is one of the “nicest people ever” and that she’s not used to men being nice to her. Oh, boy. Jarrod, who responds as if Sophie Monk has asked for his hand, is ecstatic that she has never known kindness before.    

They smooch, because why else would you sit on an outdoor couch at night.

“I am deeply in love with Sophie. There is a purpose now to who I am…” says Jarrod.

Oh Jarrod, don’t say….

“…And that is to be who I am with Sophie.”

OH, BOY. Well, I’m sure it’ll be fine. He seems like a guy who takes rejection well.

Losers

Stu (4 points)

What is Stu’s… deal? I can’t make heads nor tails of Stu. As Stu is staring out at Sydney Harbour – probably keeping an eye on his investments – lamenting the fact that he “hasn’t had happiness for a long time” I just feel a bit suss on him.

Sophie Monk admits that the hometown visit “raised some questions”. The main questions being, why a man who is still married and who has had a vasectomy has chosen to go on a show where a woman is looking for a husband to procreate with. Perhaps Stu just applied for the wrong show! Perhaps he thought this was Ready Steady Cook!

Anyway, it’s a bit of a head-scratcher. Sophie insists that she has kept him in because “we laugh all the time”. The show seems unable to provide evidence of this. They go to the aquarium to watch animals in captivity. It’s not a metaphor, you dumb hippies!!!!!

Because Sophie Monk loves to terrorise wildlife, they visit a dugong; dugongs being almost extinct and therefore precious and exciting.

“It’s so fat and ugly!” says Sophie.

“It’s ugly!” says Stu.

The dugong is shamed.

The dugong is an adorable, nonsense sausage skin filled with cement, and frankly, is the most promising prospect on the show so far. At one point, presumably tired of hearing Sophie Monk waffle on about calorie intake, the dugong flings its torso onto the walkway.

Sophie and Stu act like this is the single most terrifying thing that could happen to a person. The dugong trainer is deeply embarrassed for them.

After their brush with death, Sophie thanks Stu profusely. “I’m a very protective guy,” Stu explains. Nice one Stu, it got hairy for a minute there. They later on the smooch couch, and Stu seems to pray for death by dugong when Sophie starts asking him “heavy” questions.

Sophie: “Are you happy?”

Stu: “At first it was false happiness, now I’m happy.”

Sophie: “When do you think you will be divorced?”

Stu: “Very soon. Hopefully.”

It’s going well! Sophie asks if he would ever consider having more kids and Stu says that he would, “with the right person”. When Sophie asks if she is the right person, Stu makes a face like someone is trying to suck him into a vacuum cleaner nose first.

Stu says that they have established a “very firm friendship” which is a phrase I have never heard, so I guess I’ve never had one. Sophie thinks he is nice and protective, like a waterproof coat or a good tampon.  

They smooch and no one gets pregnant.

Apollo (well, look)

Can you work full-time as a magician? Do magicians get sick leave? When magicians do stunts — like for the craft, not just tricks in a Westfield — do they get paid for it?

Is there a union for magicians? How do you get super? Where do you learn to be a magician? Do you only ever hang out with other magicians? Which magician died in a water tank?

Oh wait, we know that one.

Anyway, Apollo isn’t going near any water tanks, so it’s fine. Sophie says she likes Apollo because he’s “talented and handsome” and it’s extremely admirable that she listed his qualities in that order.

Sophie tells Apollo that she’s taking him to the opera, because of CULTURE and not at all because he looks nice in a suit. “I’ve never been to the opera before!” says the 24-year-old magician.

“Really???????????” Sophie Monk says with a tone of shock and revulsion that she usually reserves for dugongs.

Awkwardly, they are the only people at this opera, which is held in an amphitheater in Sydney’s Blue Mountains. “I love classical music,” says Apollo. This made me laugh for a long time because it’s such a vague and positive thing to say, which basically sums up Apollo.  An opera singer called Nicholas is rented for the day and ordered to sing. He sings a beautiful song that I am far too ignorant to recognise outside of ironic ads.

“Wow!!!!” says Apollo.

“I love strings,” says Sophie (which is similar to saying “I love classical music”).

“Can you stop talking,” says Nicholas.

Sophie starts crying, like in Pretty Woman. “THAT WAS WICKED!!!!!!” says Apollo. Hang on – that’s not what Richard Gere said in Pretty Woman! Sophie feels as though they are together “physically but not emotionally” because Apollo didn’t cry. It’s terrible to not cry.  Jarrod would be crying his goddamn balls off by now, probably.

The date only gets worse from there. Sophie asks Apollo if he has any plans for the future. He tells her that he has a few “stunts” planned. One of them is hanging from a helicopter in a straitjacket. Who said that millennials aren’t career focused!!!!!

Then – it gets worse! In the space of 30 seconds, Apollo says these four things about marriage:

1.“I am into getting married, and that.”

2. “… In 4 to 6 years.”

3. “Marriage doesn’t have to be boring!”

4. “It doesn’t have to be the end of your life.”

Then, sensing that perhaps he has said too much, Apollo decides that the best course of action is to instead say nothing at all and hope that 37-year-olds sometimes have spontaneous bouts of amnesia — he doesn’t know! He’s never met one until now!

When that doesn’t happen and Sophie starts frowning at him, he plays dead.

Finally, his eyes become so full of eye spit that he must blink, so decides to abandon his plan and offer Soph some cheese and crackers. A classic combination! What could go wrong –

Oh no, what has he done.

Hm, that was not what the manufacturer intended. And because of that precarious brie placement…

Seeya, Apollo!

We will miss you, Big Magic Son. As Sophie says a tearful goodbye to Apollo, she explains that he is “too talented” to be confined by a serious relationship right now. Huh? Hm, maybe she’s just being nice.

“I want you to take over the world,” Sophie says, clutching Apollo’s hands. Ah, that’s a weird wish, but maybe she means it as a metaphor. He is really tall! It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know how to eat a breadstick. “I want you to change the world!” she says, hysterical.

Wait, Sophie knows that magicians aren’t the same as wizards, right.

There’s a little less magic in the world today. TWO MEN LEFT!!!!

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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins. Read more of her Bachelorette power rankings here.