‘The Bachelorette’ Finale Recap: Georgia Love, You Have Fucking Cooked It Pal

I know you’re mad, because I am too.

You’re mad because we were betrayed last night. Because last night Georgia Love, blinded by the big city lights of Singapore and, presumably, a guest spot on The Project lost her damn head and made a choice so bizarre and savage that it has unsettled a nation to its core. Ooh boy, you cooked it Georgia Love. You cooked it real bad.

The worse thing about this is that Matty J had it in the bag. We all thought that he did. And then last night happened, and it was worse than the saddest song you’ve ever heard. It was like watching The Pursuit of Happiness, but 1,000 times worse than that. We should have seen this coming though.

Ugh, sayonara to this garbage can of a show. Singapore seems pretty nice though, hey.

Osher, Georgia and the two loaves of Wonder White have gone to a foreign land called ‘Singapore’ which Osher explains is where “east meets west” and it’s the future but also the past, where they sleep during the day, eat breakfast at dinner time, wear button shirts back-to-front and speak a backwards pointy language!!

Georgia is so glad that she has a new, stifling humid location in which to decide her true love. Georgia says that she and Lee had an “instant attraction” which like duh, that’s like meeting Ryan Gosling and being like, “we should probably get married because I feel an instant attraction to you?” The other contestants had an instant attraction to Lee. Osher had an instant attraction to Lee. My dad probably had an instant attraction to Lee. Georgia says that they also have the exact same sense of humour, which is to say, no sense of humour.

“I actually want this now!” Lee says while sitting on the plane of a budget airline as if it’s only just occurred to him that he might be interested in Georgia. I still don’t know anything about Lee, other than he often wears shoes with no socks and likes to do his hair like a unicorn horn in the middle of his head.

But Georgia also feels an attraction to Matty J! They laugh at the same things! “I can’t imagine my life without Matty J,” Georgia says, in the same tone of voice you use when contemplating adopting a rescue puppy. Matty J can barely talk about Georgia, because that’s how much he loves Georgia.

“I would give anything for Georgia to pick me, because I really love her,” says Matty J, just fucking laying it all out there, while the discount airbus rocks and splutters its way to Singapore. Matty J :(

But whatever, Georgia is just thrilled to be in this exotic, tropical weird place and to discover her “forever person” and the only way to make this better is to bring her two most judgmental family members to Singapore to make her feel horrible and insecure! Meet, the Loves.

The great thing about the Loves is that it seems like they are all one drunk Christmas from telling each other what they really think. The Loves think it is fucking hysterical that Georgia has had bad luck with men in the past. It’s like this huge family joke that she’s single.

“I’d like your opinions on these two men,” says Georgia, with her TV face on.

“You haven’t listened to my opinion your whole life,” says Dr. Love.

“Yeah, that’s why we got stuck with some of them men for so long, hahahaha!” says Katy.

Once Dr. Love and Katy dry their eyes from laughing about what a romantic nightmare Georgia is, what garbage cans she has gone out with in the past and bad decisions she has made in her 28 years on Earth, they ask her to bring out whatever losers she has found this time. “I’ve always been quite outspoken about the guys… sometimes it hasn’t gone down well, but some of the relationships haven’t gone down well!” says Katy .What a sweet girl.

It becomes clear that Katy thinks that Georgia is a dumb idiot who chooses dumb guys, but she kind of likes this because it means she gets to tell her she told her so. Katy is trying to get revenge for a past hurt. Is that what Frozen is about, idk?

Anyway, as if anticipating that Singapore will be truly terrible for him, Matty J rocks up to the lunch already sweating profusely and announcing that he might vomit. “Hot enough for ya?” Dr. Love asks him, after noticing how much Matty J is sweating. Haha, cracker call Dr. Love. Dr. Love conducts himself with confidence of a man who wears both a gold chain and a gold bracelet. Dr. Love knows what’s up. Matty J sweats more.

The Loves have such little interest in Matty J that they just swig sparkling and ask him inane questions like “how are you with cats” and “do you like allergies” because it’s funny making the small sweaty man stress. They question Matty J’s decision to live in Sydney, because the Loves are from Melbourne and Melbourne people love to get drunk and ask Sydney people when they’re planning to move to Melbourne.

They just cannot fathom why Matty lives in Sydney and how he will move between the two cities.

Matty J meanwhile is so focused on making a good impression that he decides to make intense and meaningful “eye contact” with both Dr. Love and Katy, but they both keep avoiding his eyes so he just stares at each of them very hard and then switches every few seconds, which gives the impression that he is having some sort of tropical fit.

Dr. Love is like “You live in a different state and I don’t really like you, but hey good luck, dog” and Matty J realises he has cooked it. “I feel like I can’t win,” Matty J says, and then he desperately starts rambling about how he will probably “start looking for jobs in Melbourne soon”. Okay Matty J, you’re dismissed.

Lee swans in next in a very tight shirt and leather loafers. Dr. Love and Katy seem to like Lee instantly. Katy is very pleased to see Lee. Almost too pleased? Katy is like, “So what do you do with yourself Lee, like specifically what do you do with your body? Sweaty work, shirtless work or…?”

Lee explains that he is a full-time “hands-on” person, or something. Dr. Love observes that there’s more of a “physical connection” between Lee and his daughter which ew, please don’t. Everyone can’t help but be turned on by Lee.

Katy gets a nod from the producers and decides to fuck shit up, Love style!!! “I THINK YOU ARE TOO SMOOTH!” she tells Lee, who responds “I’m not a confident guy” which like, lol, let’s pretend for a second that is true.

“Are you in love with her or nah?”

“AH, I HAVE BEEN RELUCTANT, AH LOVE IS NOT A WORD I SAY OFTEN.”

“Hm interesting…”

“Actually I am, yep.”

The Loves then have a very strange conversation with Georgia, in which they simultaneously say nothing but also deeply rattle and offend her. How good is family? Basically, they don’t really like either of them. “Well, it’s your decision,” says Katy, while Dr. Love refuses to talk. So good luck, I guess!

Georgia vows to never talk to her family again and takes Matty J on a date to ring “the bell of happiness” which we’re told is a charmingly specific thing that “locals” do, while mystical music plays in the background. Why would Georgia bring Matty J here, what subtle sentiment is she trying to —

“I brought Matty J to the Bell of Happiness because he makes me happy,” Georgia says.

They ring the bell together, Matty leaves a bell that says “ I <3 GEORGIA 4 EVER” and she pretends she likes that and they make out under the bell. “I’m so lucky that Matty likes me so much!” Georgia says, because she is stone cold. “I’m going to be absolutely devastated if it comes to an end,” Matty J says, almost crying. Georgia makes this face:

Now it’s Lee’s date, so presumably Georgia goes home first and shaves her legs and puts on some make-up. “Lee was a HUGE standout from the start,” says Georgia, just to remind us that she’s been thinking about the way he, ah, stands out from day one.

They want to explore Singapore’s diversity or whatever, so they get a man who wouldn’t be paid that much to cart them around the place using only his legs, while they point and say “omg weird!!!” at temples.

Later they take a boat someplace else and Lee is like, “Babe this is amazing, what happens in Singapore stays in Singapore!!” and Georgia is like, “Ah, I’m looking for my forever person” and then Lee remembers what the show is about and starts talking 20 minutes of straight nonsense about how he loved her the whole time, or something, and was just shy. “I’m not smooth!!!” says Lee, his open collar shirt catching the wind.

They get Big Brother Uncut close in an infinity pool — presumably Georgia wanted a preview of what she was working with. It looks like they are going to topple off the building, but they don’t. I feel like I’ve seen this exact scene at least 30 times before. This show has been like an infinity pool because it has lasted forever and makes you think about your own mortality a lot.

BUT NOW IT’S D-DAY. Matty J babbles incoherently about how much he loves Georgia. Lee, a man who is not confident, walks around shirtless for no apparent reason. The first limo, the reject limo, arrives… and it’s our boy, Matty J.

AW, HELL NO.

Matty J, who has been in love with Georgia since week two, is brutally kicked off. Matty J who literally said, “the search is over” when getting out of the limo. Matty J who thought Georgia Love would fall for him after she saw his mad trapeze skills. That Matty J. Matty J doubles over because the pain in his heart is so great. It’s terrible. “I kind of wish I didn’t love her right now,” he says.

Then this smug motherfucker waltzes in.

Lee pretends that the moment he said he loved Georgia earlier in the episode was “the happiest moment in my life”. Lee has about as much sincerity as the cardboard coffee cups that litter his favourite city. “I love you so much” Lee says, politely.

They both laugh at fucking nothing, the carefree laugh of two beautiful single people with perfect bodies who are about to engage in a bunch of pre-marital sex. The nation screams in betrayal.

Mazel tov, you beautiful monsters!