‘The Bachelor’ Premiere Recap: Who Is That Girl, And Why Is She Eating Her Rose?

Hey have you heard that The Bachelor has started, yeah mad.

Richie is just as we remember him: ripped, sweet and so terribly nervous that he laughs at the end of all his sentences. Now we get a glimpse of his home life, him diving headfirst into a pool (which is a metaphor for him diving into the idea of being vulnerable again, also look how nice he looks with his shirt off), him playing bocce with his mum, and him trying to help his mum in the kitchen who is like: “lol, why are you pretending that you usually do this”.

“I can never forget the moment I met Sam, ha ha,” says Richie. “We shared so many fun memories, but ultimately she broke my heart. Ha ha”. Richie took ages to get over it, but he’s over it now, so where the ladies at!!!

Osher is already at the Bachelor mansion, because he sublets it for most the year when he’s not hanging ten – Channel Ten, that is!! (I don’t know). It’s full of thousands of candles that are fuelled by disappointing heterosexual interactions. Osher is absolutely frothing with excitement and he explains that the premise of the show is that there’s “22 women, one man and a glamorous cocktail party to start it all!” I love that Osher talks in the way that eight-year-old girls imagine all polite adult men speak.

Richie arrives and Osher hugs him twice. “I’m still an awkward dork, ha ha,” Richie says. Osher acts like that’s the most cracker call he has ever heard. “I’m sweating bullets, ha ha,” Richie says. Osher cannot stop laughing!

They start cattle prodding the women in one by one. They only have a few moments to make an impression and many of these girls look similar, so it’s hard to keep track of who is who.

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Nikki

Identifier: She looked really good in a dress and other than that, Richie “didn’t learn much about her”.

Richie’s reaction: “Crikey, you make that dress look amazing!”

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Megan

Identifier: This girl is obsessed with the ocean. She cannot get over the ocean, specifically the bottom of the ocean. “Love is like free-diving,” she says, which yes is absolutely true, because the suffocating pressure of both things can kill you and sometimes hurt your ears. Richie is going to have to do a lot to compete with the ocean!

Later on she gets a rose before the ceremony because she took off her shoes, and Richie thinks that’s just so fucking cool. “Megan, taking off your shoes is awesome,” Richie says.

Richie’s reaction: “Wow she looks amazing. Turn it up.” Wot.

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Janey

Identifier: The children’s entertainer who is perpetually stunned by everything. “ROSE PETALS, OH MY GOSH,” she says when getting out of the car. “THIS IS A MIRACLE,” she says when she sees Richie. She does a skit where she leaves her shoe for Richie like her favourite fairytale Cinderella, because she loves stories about white slavery and possessed rodents.

Richie’s reaction: “Ha ha.”

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Nat, Georgia and Tiffany

Identifier: These girls barely got an introduction, and were more props to illustrate how Richie felt about being recognised.

Richie’s reaction: “It’s surreal!”

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Eliza

Identifier: She’s the girl who did the song. She’s the girl sang a song she had written, that had three verses and a bridge. “I’m an event coordinator,” she said, in case anyone thought she was a professional singer. She’s the girl who pretended to high-five Richie and then hit him on the butt, singing “twerk twerk twerk” even though no one was twerking. I want to dissolve into the earth.

Richie’s reaction: “That was absolutely adorable!” This is what someone says when they decide that they’ll never have sex with you.

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Alex

Identifier: She is the one who read the poem and also has a kid. She has already been publicly shamed by other contestants for having a baby at 19. “You’ve been keeping this from us,” say the women who have known Alex for roughly 30 minutes.

“But you’re only 24.”

“Yep.”

“You have a child.”

“Yep.”

“Is that why you’re so emotional.”

Richie’s reaction: “No one has ever read me a poem before!”

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Kiki, Amy, Rachel, Marja, Sophie, Laura, Tolyna, Mia (oh, boy)

Identifier: ???

Richie’s reaction: ???

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Keira

Identifier: The sassy one who occasionally says very nasty and fantastic things. In this episode, she yells “BED BED BED BED” when she gets bored of interacting with the other women. She says “I just say it how it is, let’s be real” when pointing out that she can see Noni’s undies. She says “I don’t care if you bitches don’t like me” when discussing her quest to to win the white rose. When she makes particularly mean comments, she does it in an American accent, as if they’re not really coming from her.

When the girls are having a planking competition, Keira yells “THIS IS BORING, MOVE ON.”

Richie’s reaction: “What turns you on?”

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Sasha

Identifier: She gave him a Russian doll. She ate her rose during the rose ceremony.

Richie’s reaction: “Wow, ha ha.”

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Faith

Identifier: She gave him a keyring with ‘FAITH’ written on it so he “remembers my name”, which might be the most depressing thing that I’ve ever heard.

Richie’s reaction: “Wow, thanks!”

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Noni

Identifier: She really loves bacon, because she’s just a cool girl who is soooooooooooooo relaxedaaaaahhhh. She gives him a bouquet of roses made out of bacon and says, “Don’t go bacon my heart.”

Richie’s reaction: “Awww, nice one!”

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Vintaea

Identifier: The one who voluntarily left. From the get-go when she announced, most puzzlingly “I won’t be walking in on my hands”, Vintaea was never comfortable. She had sore boobs, sore ears and was annoyed that everyone was flabbergasted by her constant swearing. “If you can’t cope with me, you can’t cope with life,” she said.

Richie’s reaction: “I can certainly hold my own when it comes to that lingo!” says Richie, a man who has obviously never uttered a swear in his entire life.

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Olenna

Identifier: She has eyes that seem to pierce through time and space. “I like to attack with my eyes,” she says, without humour. She also speaks Ukrainian which Richie finds “mysterious”.

Richie’s reaction: “She’s a total babe.”

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So, Richie has now met all of the contestants and has already forgotten that this is a competition. “It took me by surprise how many girls wanted to say g’day to me!” he says. The contestants have already formed factions, with most of them hovering between being disgusted at “the other women” for so brazenly grabbing Richie’s attention and then encouraging each other to be brazen, because they’re drunk and bored. At one point they play a game that involves pretending to slap each other.

Alex gets the white rose! Now she and Richie can talk about her son in private! “Strategic,” Keira says, as if Alex has actually been planning this moment for five years and has specifically given birth just to win the white rose. Natalie and Amy are gone (who?) and 19 women remain. God have mercy on us all.

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The Bachelor is on Channel Ten at 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays. Check back tomorrow for our weekly Power Ranking.