Your Important And Comprehensive Guide To The Major Candidates In The Upcoming Federal Election

If you’re anything like me, you’re already sick of this election. While campaigns from both sides of politics are generally pretty uninspiring, this year it feels like things have hit a new low. It’s not about who can better govern our country, it’s a zero-sum game of keeping key electorates sweetened and public images buffed: a populism free-for-all with no vision past polling day.

So how should you decide who to vote for? After perusing the so-called election “analysis” from the usual tired and reactive sources, I realised I would have to dig deeper. The more I researched, the more I discovered that the only honest thing you can base your decision on is exactly what’s written on your ballot paper on September 7: the candidates’ names.

Using cutting-edge scientitious analysisis, I have created an exhaustive breakdown of the names of the most important 2013 Australian electoral candidates, so you’ll be more informed when you enter the voting booth, and allow our great country the vision and hope that will lead to a brighter future. You’re welcome.

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MOST SUGGESTIVE NAMES:

Dick Adams
Tristan Cockman
Sally Cox
Kingsley Dickins
Ron Dickinson
Jonathon Dykyj
Joanna Gash
Des Hardman*
Luke Hartsuyker
Dessie Kocher
Mick LeCocq
Grant Pforr
Kevin Seaman
Nadia Seaman
Sid Sidebottom
Michael Sukkar
Alan Tudge
Chub Witham
Rosalie Woodruff

Oh hey there, Sid Sidebottom, ALP Member for Braddon.

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POSSIBLE SPORTS STARS:

Zali Burrows
Jim Chalmers
Nick Champion
Joe Paterno

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ACTUAL SPORTS STARS:

John Alexander
Des Headland

Wouldn’t it be great if all politicians had trading cards?

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DOUBLE FIRST NAMES:

Darryl Allen
Phil Allen
Anthony Craig
Billy Gordon
Barry Grant
Ian James
Craig Lawrence
Bill Lawrence
Elizabeth Lee
Peter Lee
Andrew Leigh
Louise Markus
Phillip Maxwell
Frank Miles
Andrew Robb
James Ryan
Joanne Ryan
Bruce Scott
Fiona Scott
Robin Scott
Mike Symon
Chris Trevor

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FORCED TO REVEAL THEIR REAL NAMES:

Gary ‘Angry’ Anderson

We dare you to call him ‘Gary’.

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MOST LIKELY TO BE PORN STARS:

Zaza Chevalier
Jaymes Diaz
Jordan Steele-John

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FAMOUS NAMES:

Jane Austin
John Wayne
Brett Whiteley

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STRAIGHT FROM YOUR SPAM FOLDER:

Helma Aschenbrenner
Ricardo Balancy
Hall Greenland
Noah Beecher Kelk
Peter Freeleagus
Omar Jabir Omar
Thor Prohaska
Clem Van der Weegen
Witold Wiszniewski

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CHARACTERS TO BE INTRODUCED IN DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON FOUR:

Penny Allman-Payne
Pip Brinklow
Nick Cedric-Thompson
Tristram Chellew
Patrick Darley-Jones
James Harker-Mortlock
Lucy Landon-Lane
Barnaby Joyce
Beck Sheffield-Brotherton
Matt Thistlethwaite
Charles Worringham
Desley Banks

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CHARACTERS FROM DAYS OF OUR LIVES:

Zane Alcorn
Rick Armitage
Jag Chugha
Silvana Nero
Lachlan Slade

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OTHER JOBS ENTIRELY:

Ant Clark
Kate Ryder
Rob Messenger
Clive Palmer
Mal Washer

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CHARACTERS FROM GAME OF THRONES:

Fazal Cader
Tyrone D’Lisle
Avtar Gill
Leighton Thew

Meet Tyrone D’Lisle, Greens candidate for Westeros.

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HONEST DESCRIPTIONS:

Peter Bland
Tony Crook
Ian Goodenough
Ian Grosser
Bryce Letcher

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FIRST AND LAST NAME AN ANAGRAM OF EACH OTHER:

Gary Gray

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FIRST NAME THE SAME AS A DELICIOUS COCKTAIL:

Marguerita Kavanagh
Margarita Windisch

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FIRST NAME ‘JAYDEN’:

Jayden Millard

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MOST LITERARY:

Sharon Murakami
Alison Sentance

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MOST DELICIOUS:

Darren Cheeseman
Bruce Fry
Alfredo Navarro

Mmm, Cheeseman.

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ARE ACTUALLY A FULL SENTENCE:

Damon Pages-Oliver

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MOST LIKELY TO BE AN EASTERN-EUROPEAN NBA STAR FROM THE EARLY ’90s:

Dusan Popovic

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BIGGEST DOUCHESHITS:

Christopher Pyne

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MOST LIKELY TO BE A USED CAR SALESMAN:

Buddy Rojek
Alby Schultz
Brodie Stewart

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TIME-TRAVELLERS FROM THE WILD WEST:

Wyatt Roy

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ANAGRAMS OF ‘AMPHIBIAN JET LENS’:

Benjamin Silaphet

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WOULD BE MORE THAN AT HOME AT HOGWARTS:

Ian Dobby
Karen Dobby
Kitten Snape
John Spellman
Quentin von Stieglitz
Julie Worsley

Kitten Snape, member of Palmer United Party and Slytherin House.

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REJECTED PATENTS:

Stephanie Banister**
George Brazier
Dan Caddy
Wayne Driver
Warren Entsch
Clive Mensink
Jayson Packett
Peter Slipper
Warren Truss
Dawn Walker

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ANIMALS INCLUDED:

Sharon Bird
Sue Bull
Marsha Foxman
Bob Katter
Wayne Swan
Malcolm Turnbull

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HOLIDAY DESINATIONS:

Ruth Beach
John Forrest
Tony Abbott

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MOST PLEASANT TO SAY:

Connie Chicchini
Garry Claridge
Agostino Guardiani
Bert Van Manen

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ACTIVITIES:

Trevor Dance
Joe Hockey

Dance, Trevor Dance!

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BONUS FEATURE: MOST AUSSIE-SOUNDING ELECTORATES:

Bruce
Corangamite
Eden-Monaro
Fisher
Hasluck
Murray
New England
Scullin

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* Just replaced by the very-nearly-suggestive-but-not-enough-to-matter name of Peter Beattie

** Who, in fact, has been thoroughly rejected.

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Christopher Currie is a writer from Brisbane. His first novel was The Ottoman Motel (Text Publishing). He tweets mainly pun-fuelled restaurant names at @furioushorses

Feature image via aec.gov.au