Ballots

Your Important And Comprehensive Guide To The Major Candidates In The Upcoming Federal Election

If you’re anything like me, you’re already sick of this election. While campaigns from both sides of politics are generally pretty uninspiring, this year it feels like things have hit a new low. It’s not about who can better govern our country, it’s a zero-sum game of keeping key electorates sweetened and public images buffed: a populism free-for-all with no vision past polling day.

So how should you decide who to vote for? After perusing the so-called election “analysis” from the usual tired and reactive sources, I realised I would have to dig deeper. The more I researched, the more I discovered that the only honest thing you can base your decision on is exactly what’s written on your ballot paper on September 7: the candidates’ names.

Using cutting-edge scientitious analysisis, I have created an exhaustive breakdown of the names of the most important 2013 Australian electoral candidates, so you’ll be more informed when you enter the voting booth, and allow our great country the vision and hope that will lead to a brighter future. You’re welcome.

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MOST SUGGESTIVE NAMES:

Dick Adams
Tristan Cockman
Sally Cox
Kingsley Dickins
Ron Dickinson
Jonathon Dykyj
Joanna Gash
Des Hardman*
Luke Hartsuyker
Dessie Kocher
Mick LeCocq
Grant Pforr
Kevin Seaman
Nadia Seaman
Sid Sidebottom
Michael Sukkar
Alan Tudge
Chub Witham
Rosalie Woodruff

Oh hey there, Sid Sidebottom, ALP Member for Braddon.

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POSSIBLE SPORTS STARS:

Zali Burrows
Jim Chalmers
Nick Champion
Joe Paterno

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ACTUAL SPORTS STARS:

John Alexander
Des Headland

Des

Wouldn’t it be great if all politicians had trading cards?

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DOUBLE FIRST NAMES:

Darryl Allen
Phil Allen
Anthony Craig
Billy Gordon
Barry Grant
Ian James
Craig Lawrence
Bill Lawrence
Elizabeth Lee
Peter Lee
Andrew Leigh
Louise Markus
Phillip Maxwell
Frank Miles
Andrew Robb
James Ryan
Joanne Ryan
Bruce Scott
Fiona Scott
Robin Scott
Mike Symon
Chris Trevor

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FORCED TO REVEAL THEIR REAL NAMES:

Gary ‘Angry’ Anderson

AngryAnderson

We dare you to call him ‘Gary’.

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MOST LIKELY TO BE PORN STARS:

Zaza Chevalier
Jaymes Diaz
Jordan Steele-John

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FAMOUS NAMES:

Jane Austin
John Wayne
Brett Whiteley

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STRAIGHT FROM YOUR SPAM FOLDER:

Helma Aschenbrenner
Ricardo Balancy
Hall Greenland
Noah Beecher Kelk
Peter Freeleagus
Omar Jabir Omar
Thor Prohaska
Clem Van der Weegen
Witold Wiszniewski

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CHARACTERS TO BE INTRODUCED IN DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON FOUR:

Penny Allman-Payne
Pip Brinklow
Nick Cedric-Thompson
Tristram Chellew
Patrick Darley-Jones
James Harker-Mortlock
Lucy Landon-Lane
Barnaby Joyce
Beck Sheffield-Brotherton
Matt Thistlethwaite
Charles Worringham
Desley Banks

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CHARACTERS FROM DAYS OF OUR LIVES:

Zane Alcorn
Rick Armitage
Jag Chugha
Silvana Nero
Lachlan Slade

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OTHER JOBS ENTIRELY:

Ant Clark
Kate Ryder
Rob Messenger
Clive Palmer
Mal Washer

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CHARACTERS FROM GAME OF THRONES:

Fazal Cader
Tyrone D’Lisle
Avtar Gill
Leighton Thew

Tyrone D'lisle_Candidate for Dickson

Meet Tyrone D’Lisle, Greens candidate for Westeros.

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HONEST DESCRIPTIONS:

Peter Bland
Tony Crook
Ian Goodenough
Ian Grosser
Bryce Letcher

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FIRST AND LAST NAME AN ANAGRAM OF EACH OTHER:

Gary Gray

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FIRST NAME THE SAME AS A DELICIOUS COCKTAIL:

Marguerita Kavanagh
Margarita Windisch

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FIRST NAME ‘JAYDEN’:

Jayden Millard

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MOST LITERARY:

Sharon Murakami
Alison Sentance

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MOST DELICIOUS:

Darren Cheeseman
Bruce Fry
Alfredo Navarro

DarrenCheeseman

Mmm, Cheeseman.

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ARE ACTUALLY A FULL SENTENCE:

Damon Pages-Oliver

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MOST LIKELY TO BE AN EASTERN-EUROPEAN NBA STAR FROM THE EARLY ’90s:

Dusan Popovic

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BIGGEST DOUCHESHITS:

Christopher Pyne

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MOST LIKELY TO BE A USED CAR SALESMAN:

Buddy Rojek
Alby Schultz
Brodie Stewart

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TIME-TRAVELLERS FROM THE WILD WEST:

Wyatt Roy

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ANAGRAMS OF ‘AMPHIBIAN JET LENS’:

Benjamin Silaphet

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WOULD BE MORE THAN AT HOME AT HOGWARTS:

Ian Dobby
Karen Dobby
Kitten Snape
John Spellman
Quentin von Stieglitz
Julie Worsley

Kitten-Snape

Kitten Snape, member of Palmer United Party and Slytherin House.

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REJECTED PATENTS:

Stephanie Banister**
George Brazier
Dan Caddy
Wayne Driver
Warren Entsch
Clive Mensink
Jayson Packett
Peter Slipper
Warren Truss
Dawn Walker

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ANIMALS INCLUDED:

Sharon Bird
Sue Bull
Marsha Foxman
Bob Katter
Wayne Swan
Malcolm Turnbull

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HOLIDAY DESINATIONS:

Ruth Beach
John Forrest
Tony Abbott

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MOST PLEASANT TO SAY:

Connie Chicchini
Garry Claridge
Agostino Guardiani
Bert Van Manen

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ACTIVITIES:

Trevor Dance
Joe Hockey

TrevorDance2

Dance, Trevor Dance!

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BONUS FEATURE: MOST AUSSIE-SOUNDING ELECTORATES:

Bruce
Corangamite
Eden-Monaro
Fisher
Hasluck
Murray
New England
Scullin

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* Just replaced by the very-nearly-suggestive-but-not-enough-to-matter name of Peter Beattie
** Who, in fact, has been thoroughly rejected.

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Christopher Currie is a writer from Brisbane. His first novel was The Ottoman Motel (Text Publishing). He tweets mainly pun-fuelled restaurant names at @furioushorses

Feature image via aec.gov.au

  • Tim Duggan

    This makes more sense than anything else I’ve read on the election so far.

  • Tim Hardaker

    im hyperventilating

  • M_Rose

    Tony Crook and Mal Washer are retiring, making them, well, not candiates. But otherwise, hilarious.

  • Matt

    The “straight from your spam folder” part is kinda xenophobic and racist…

    • sebastianlamerichs

      Xenophobic you might be able to make a case for, but racism is saying that a certain race is inferior than another, not that some last names appear in spam folders more often than others.

      • Matt

        The implication is made that people with foreign sounding names are untrustworthy. It’s the exact same thing as joking that Aarifah and Abdul Hakim are “terrorist sounding” names. It’s racism and it fucking sucks! Even worse than that, it’s a shitty joke and not worth the hurt that it causes.

        • sebastianlamerichs

          Go get a dictionary, and look up the definition of “racism”. It does not mean what you think it means.

          Also, I find it amusing that you’re going all social-justice over “this name is somewhat similar to one you’ll see in an email spam inbox”, but you’re perfectly fine with the same author calling someone else a giant doucheshit in the exact same article. You can’t pick and choose.

          • Julian Dw

            One is targeting racial characteristics and the other is targeting someone’s personality – they’re different things, no inconsistency. Also, saying one race is less trustworthy than another IS saying one is superior to another.

          • sebastianlamerichs

            First off, names are not race. They can be very strongly correlated, but assuming that they’re one and the same is just stupid.

            Secondly, by your logic, referring to 419 scams is racist because it’s implying that all Nigerians are scammers.

          • Julian Dw

            Yes, “names are not race.” Well observed. But as you also point out certain names are typical of certain races? By saying those with names like those who are foreign are less trustworthy, you say foreign peoples are less trustworthy. My logic is that saying names of a different ethnic origin impute dodginess is an affront to that ethnicity. Refer to 419 scams all you want mate, as long as you don’t conclude from that “the reason they’re all from Nigeria is because Nigerians are less trustworthy”, or assuming someone with an African name is untrustworthy.

          • sebastianlamerichs

            By saying those with names like those who are foreign are less trustworthy, you say foreign peoples are less trustworthy.

            No, you’re not, you’re saying that emails from people with those names (regardless of race or geographical location) are more likely to be spam. Do you disagree with this? Because it’s pretty clear that, for Westerners at least, emails from Nigerian-sounding names are incredibly unlikely to be legitimate.

            Additionally, why wouldn’t I be allowed to conclude that Nigerians are untrustworthy, were that to actually be the case? Obviously, it isn’t, as the spam emails are from a very very small minority (a thousandth of a percent, if that), but if it turns out that, on average, someone from one demographic is more untrustworthy than someone from another demographic, that isn’t racism. By that logic it would also be racist to note that Asians are, on average, much shorter than Africans.

            Racism EXPLICITLY means that you believe that EVERY member of a race is INHERENTLY inferior; even if you believe that one race is better or worse at something that another race (which isn’t what was said in the article, naming conventions are not races), more trustworthy or less; unless you believe that that’s true for EVERY member of that race BECAUSE of their race, it’s not racism. It can be stereotyping, but if you believe that that’s inherently bad you have some fundamental flaws in your understanding of human interaction.

          • Julian Dw

            The reason you wouldn’t be allowed to conclude that Nigerians weren’t trustworthy is, the fact that you’ve received spam emails from Nigerians was not a consequence of the fact those people were Nigerian – there is nothing inherent in ‘Nigerianness’ which makes you less trustworthy. If your stance is “people from Nigeria are statistically more likely to be spammers” that is probably a fair call and not really racist provided it’s actually backed up with evidence and you don’t treat people less for it. That’s a fair point

            Also “Wiszniewski” is hardly an African name…I’m not aware of any stereotype that says Polish people are spammers… this just seems as if these people are targeted purely by fact of the “foreignness” of their names (which does perhaps make “xenophobia” a more accurate allegation as you suggest).

            Racism doesn’t have to be the idea that EVERY member of a race is inherently inferior, but that people can be inherently inferior by fact of their race alone. Perhaps you think some Nigerians are exceptions but that generally you are less of a person for being Nigerian than you would otherwise be.

            I don’t think that thinking stereotyping is bad implies I have some “fundamental flaw” in my understanding of human interaction haha it’s probably generally unfair to those who don’t fit the stereotype

            (and yes, as I said before, I am well aware that naming conventions aren’t races, but that’s besides the point. If a name is strongly associated with an ethnic groups culture targeting that name is targeting that culture).

  • Jacki

    We have Charlie Crutchfield running in Bendigo for the Sex Party!

  • Mitchell

    Joanna Gash is also retiring