Your Important And Comprehensive Guide To The Major Candidates In The Upcoming Federal Election
If you’re anything like me, you’re already sick of this election. While campaigns from both sides of politics are generally pretty uninspiring, this year it feels like things have hit a new low. It’s not about who can better govern our country, it’s a zero-sum game of keeping key electorates sweetened and public images buffed: a populism free-for-all with no vision past polling day.
So how should you decide who to vote for? After perusing the so-called election “analysis” from the usual tired and reactive sources, I realised I would have to dig deeper. The more I researched, the more I discovered that the only honest thing you can base your decision on is exactly what’s written on your ballot paper on September 7: the candidates’ names.
Using cutting-edge scientitious analysisis, I have created an exhaustive breakdown of the names of the most important 2013 Australian electoral candidates, so you’ll be more informed when you enter the voting booth, and allow our great country the vision and hope that will lead to a brighter future. You’re welcome.
MOST SUGGESTIVE NAMES:
Oh hey there, Sid Sidebottom, ALP Member for Braddon.
POSSIBLE SPORTS STARS:
ACTUAL SPORTS STARS:
Wouldn’t it be great if all politicians had trading cards?
DOUBLE FIRST NAMES:
FORCED TO REVEAL THEIR REAL NAMES:
Gary ‘Angry’ Anderson
We dare you to call him ‘Gary’.
MOST LIKELY TO BE PORN STARS:
STRAIGHT FROM YOUR SPAM FOLDER:
Noah Beecher Kelk
Omar Jabir Omar
Clem Van der Weegen
CHARACTERS TO BE INTRODUCED IN DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON FOUR:
CHARACTERS FROM DAYS OF OUR LIVES:
OTHER JOBS ENTIRELY:
CHARACTERS FROM GAME OF THRONES:
Meet Tyrone D’Lisle, Greens candidate for Westeros.
FIRST AND LAST NAME AN ANAGRAM OF EACH OTHER:
FIRST NAME THE SAME AS A DELICIOUS COCKTAIL:
FIRST NAME ‘JAYDEN’:
ARE ACTUALLY A FULL SENTENCE:
MOST LIKELY TO BE AN EASTERN-EUROPEAN NBA STAR FROM THE EARLY ’90s:
MOST LIKELY TO BE A USED CAR SALESMAN:
TIME-TRAVELLERS FROM THE WILD WEST:
ANAGRAMS OF ‘AMPHIBIAN JET LENS’:
WOULD BE MORE THAN AT HOME AT HOGWARTS:
Quentin von Stieglitz
Kitten Snape, member of Palmer United Party and Slytherin House.
MOST PLEASANT TO SAY:
Bert Van Manen
Dance, Trevor Dance!
BONUS FEATURE: MOST AUSSIE-SOUNDING ELECTORATES:
* Just replaced by the very-nearly-suggestive-but-not-enough-to-matter name of Peter Beattie
** Who, in fact, has been thoroughly rejected.
Feature image via aec.gov.au