A Deep-Dive Into Barnaby Joyce’s Amazing Apology-Hostage Video Of Johnny Depp And Amber Heard

Earlier this afternoon, Deputy Prime Minister, leader of the National Party and glazed ham Barnaby Joyce released the following video on his social media channels.

If you’re not sure what that video is in relation to, congratulations. You have stumbled upon the world’s best story at the best possible time. You have won.

For everyone else, this is the latest chapter in Australian political history’s greatest saga: the question of whether Barnaby Joyce will murder Pistol and Boo, superstar actor Johnny Depp’s tiny, ratty dogs. That incredible possibility fell into our world from some dimension of pure madness last May, when Joyce publicly warned that Depp and Heard needed to spirit their undeclared and unquarantined dogs out of the country within 48 hours, “or we’re going to have to euthanise them”.

Since that wonderful day, much has transpired. Petitions and counter-petitions were signed, international news outlets picked up the story, the man who would go on to become Deputy Prime Minister got in a slanging match with Kyle Sandilands on live radio. Depp would later call Joyce a “sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia”, John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight picked the story up, and Pistol and Boo inexplicably came last in our inaugural ‘Strayan of the Year contest.

Now, the journey may finally be at an end. In a Queensland court this morning, Heard was given a one-month good behaviour bond and had two illegal importation charges against her dropped. The video was released shortly after by the Department of Agriculture and Water Resources, and is expected to net Depp his best reviews since What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.

*sloppily kisses fingers* pic.twitter.com/itdaiGKkvW

— salsa dog (@courtwhip) April 18, 2016

I have a huge number of thoughts about those 42 seconds, which I have tried to untangle below as best I can. Perfection is hard to put into words.

– Barnaby Joyce filmed this video himself. Personally. He did so while holding Pistol and Boo, as well as a sawn-off shotgun.

– “Australia is a wonderful island”. When do we tell Amber Heard about Tasmania, and how vast will her indifference be?

– In a press conference after this video was released, Joyce suggested Qantas play it on in-flight screens as a warning to all would-be quarantine violators. Qantas needs to do this immediately.

.@Qantas will you play the Johnny Depp & Amber Heard apology video on flights as suggested by @Barnaby_Joyce?

— Lane Sainty (@lanesainty) April 18, 2016

 

– Johnny Depp describes Australians as “both warm, and erect”. That is the only correct interpretation of the sounds that came out of his mouth and anyone who tells you different is a liar.

– Where was this video filmed? Judging by the background, they are either in a room with curtains or a rusty corrugated iron shed, which suggests Joyce is holding the pair captive on a farm outside of Tamworth.

– “When you disrespect Australian law, [Australians] will tell you firmly” is a very diplomatic response to being told to “bugger off” out of a country on pain of having your dogs personally murdered by an Agriculture Minister.

– I want to print out a ribbon of all of Johnny Depp’s facial expressions throughout this video and make them into a headband and wear it forever.

– “Declare everything when you enter Australia” is said in a tone which strongly implies the next time he enters the country, Johnny Depp will be declaring: “I fucking hate Australia”.

– To date, this might genuinely be the greatest achievement of the Turnbull government. Go ahead, try to think of something else. I’ll wait.

– Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are almost certainly dead.