Dentures With The Stars, And Other Ways To Save Network TEN

Network TEN hit a pretty big slump over the past two years: extremely poor performance ratings, free-falling shares, and three episodes of Everybody Dance Now. Speaking to the Senate Committee on Media Reforms yesterday, TEN’s brand new CEO, Hamish McLennon, admitted that the network’s ham-handed attempt to target hip young things may not have been working quite so well: “We have had an extreme youth focus over the last few years. I’m not sure it’s entirely appropriate,” he said. “It’s my first day on the job, but I’ve been asked by many people what my view is …  I would like to see an older demographic come in.”

So without further ado: a few show pitches to get the station across the line with those fickle aged folk.

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Dentures With The Stars
Join beloved household names like Rhonda Burchmore and anyone who sings at that Carols By Candlelight concert, as they are partnered up with sexy dental prostheticists and learn the hardest dance of all: slowly replacing your teeth with acrylic polymers.

Nursing Homes And Gardens
Fun and handy tips on how to spruce up the depressing patch of weeds they pass off as a garden at the local old person corral. Cover the harsh smell of antiseptics and urine with some sprigs of lavender. Hosted by Noni Hazlehurst and a man made entirely from doilies.

Suburban Border Patrol
Follow the action-packed, adrenaline pumping exploits of Old Man Norris as he struggles to keep the youth off his lawn and goddamn birds out of his avocado tree.

Beauty And The Geek
A beautiful lady is paired up with a series of circus performers, because that’s the old fashioned definition of the word ‘geek’.

Those Darned Kids
The entire ten seasons of Friends from the perspective of an angry old lady who lives next door and views their trademark licentious chatter dimly. She does have an erotic fling with Ross who, in his words, ‘loves digging up old bones’. He is a paleontologist.

Dastardly Plots
A show for smart, finance-savvy individuals who want to make the right choice about their eternal resting place. Hosted by the angry ghost of Michael Keaton.

Farmer Wants A Cup Of Tea
The internet is for perverts and speed dating is too goddamn fast.

Alf
Finally, Home And Away’s Alf Stewart gets the time and attention to grumble and gripe away from all those fornicating young ‘uns. He also teams up with Alf from Alf, and maybe they solve space crimes.

A Previous Affair
Using the format, theme music and hosts of A Current Affair, but discussing topics that nobody has cared about for at least forty years, such as the standard of barley sugars in the Blitz.

Australia’s Got Gout
An endless parade of the most swollen extremities that Australia has to offer, but only one can be the winner.

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Patrick Lenton is a writer of theatre and fiction. He blogs at The Spontaneity Review and tweets inanity @patricklenton.