‘Game Of Thrones’ Power Ranking: Hey! You Hurt My Feelings!
Everyone was making crumpled faces at each other this week.
This week everyone was making crumpled faces at each other and blaming their parents for things, kind of like that scene in The Breakfast Club when it goes from being a movie about two annoying people, to a movie about five annoying people.
Oh my god shut up, SHUT UP ALL YOU TEENS!!!!
Hey, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!
Winners
Gendry (10 points)
Davos: “G’day, I’m that stranger from three years ago would you like you to come back to the plot now?”
As the Onion Knight says: “Nothing fucks you harder than time!”*
*(That’s a direct quote from the show, it’s not even out of context, please don’t fire me Mr. Jun Kee.)
Jon (9 points)
Imagine looking a dragon in the eye, not dying, and still acting like you’re just having the shittest day.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“You’re a Targaryen.”
“Oh my god, this dragon LOVES me.”
“Dude, you’re a Targaryen, you’re legit the heir, like more than her– “
“Hehe, this dragon loves me, hello lil dragon.”
“You’re the actual– urgh, whatever I’ll wait for the white eye boy to tell you.”
“This beast loves me.”
Jon did well this week, because every time he had a dumb idea everyone said, “Good idea, Jon!” and let him do it. Then he found out Bran was alive! And that Arya was alive! “Oh heck, my sibbies are alive,” he said, I think.
“You don’t look happy?” says Dany, presumably the only one confused by his carefully cultivated personal brand. Jon decides that his brand now also includes ‘confidence’ and tells her that she better let him go catch a wight or ELSE.
“I’M GOING,” says Jon.
“Yeah, whatever,” says Dany.
“I MEAN IT, I’M GOING BEYOND THE WALL.”
“Yep.”
“TRUST IN A STRANGER.”
“Ah, yeah, it’s cool.”
“Trust in a stranger” is the new “You had me at hello” but sexier.
“I hope nothing happens to his face.”
I mean yeah, winter is important, killing White Walkers is important, yada yada. But you know what else is important? A couple of handsome bastards chatting about their murdered dads! Their dads who used to murder together!
“I have a hammer.”
“I am happy to have made a friend this day.”
I predict great things for these feelings boys.
Dany (8 points)
Dany captured some more supporters this week with some persuasive words like, “Relax! I’m not like that crazy queen! I’m the cool queen!” and then demonstrated how cool she was by setting people on fire. These people don’t care about your political strategy, lady, unless it’s the strategy of ‘the business of not being set on fire’.
“Okay, so ‘breaking the wheel’ right– “
“There is no such thing as public education here so we don’t know what you’re talking about, we primarily care about not being set on fire.”
Dany bellows “BEND THE KNEE” to all the scared men — most of whom are probably called Robert or Paul, they just have that look about them — and then starts burning people who do not bend the knee.
“Oh I guess she wasn’t joking.”
“Quick Paul, bend every knee you have!!!!!!”
Jorah (7 points)
Look who had a makeover and has come back to ask out the prom queen!! Having just boarded the Westerosi plot speedboat, Jorah arrives at Dragonstone and immediately whips up a bizarre love triangle.
Let’s get in the mood. Put on some headphones, dog.
Jorah walks across the sand to Dany. “Will you have me,” he purrs. “UM, DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT PUS DISEASE?” she says. “No?” he says.
“Oh, cool,” she says.
Let’s take it to another level.
Jorah volunteers to capture a wight, firstly because he’s a fucking idiot, and secondly because he heard that chicks love that. As he leaves, he takes Dany’s hands and is about to say something heartfelt.
Then suddenly, he hears something. Someone is approaching. They have a song of their own.
“Oh no, who him.”
He’s my sexy friend Jon.”
“Look at my hair.”
I for one find this love triangle between a nephew, an aunt and someone’s granddad extremely, extremely sexy.
Davos (6 points)
Davos hauled his cookies all the way to Flea Bottom, thinking that he would have to perform a rousing speech to get Baby Baratheon in the game, when it turned out to be the most leisurely thing in the goddamn world.
“BAD THINGS ARE COMING–“
“Okay I’m packed, let’s go.”
“Huh that was easy, didn’t need to black out three hours in the iCal after all.”
After than, Davos devises a sneaky plan. “Okay, so we’ll give you an identity, then you can go to Winterfell and have a beautiful life, maybe even marry a lady,” he says, walking Gendry into Jon’s cave. “Hello Jon, this is my foreign friend–”
“I AM GENDRY,” says Gendry.
“WHAT DID I JUST — urgh, I’m too old for this shit Ima just wait here and eat some fermented crab,” says Davos.
I think these two will get on juuuuust fine.
“Look Gendry, I am a bat.”
Cersei (5 points)
Congrats! Are prophecies the Westerosi version of What To Expect When You’re Expecting, or.
The Undead (4 points)
Army of the Undead or Glastonbury?
Losers
Sam (3 points)
Hey, I feel really bad for you guy! Your teachers won’t listen to you. You have so much homework.
Gilly: “Hey Sam, this book says that a man named Rhaegar once annulled his marriage and married a new bride– ”
SAM: “GILLY CAN YOU PLEASE BE QUIET, I’M TRYING TO LEARN???”
— Simpsons Screens (@simpscreens) August 13, 2017
Yeah Sam. It sucks when people don’t listen to you! Ah, well. We all hate when ancient, irrelevant men stymie progress.
(Meanwhile, in Parliament.)
Tyrion and Varys (2 points)
“I THINK WE PICKED THE RIGHT TEAM.”
“YEP YEP, FEELING PRETTY CONFIDENT IN OUR CHOICE.”
“SHE SEEMS QUITE LEVEL-HEADED, AND NOT MAD!”
“NOT AT ALL, NOT MAD!”
“NOPE.”
“LET’S DRINK MORE TO CELEBRATE GOOD CHOICES!”
“NOT TO FORGET!”
“NOPE!”
Good stuff.
Jaime (1 point)
Hey, you didn’t die!
Maybe that’s the only good thing that happened to you this week.
“I can’t wait to tell my sissy that dragons are real, she takes the bad news so well.”
Sansa (1 point)
Sansa is trying to do politics, okay? She can’t help it that these old guys keep yelling “WE LIKE YOU BETTER!” She can’t help that they like her more than Jon!
“I told him not to go,” she explains to a huffy Arya. “The North isn’t going to sit and wait… like Ghost.”
(Last known photo of Ghost.)
Arya is very pass agg and thinks that this is what Sansa has wanted this WHOLE TIME and that she’s loving being queen of the castle.
I simply cannot wait for Arya to take that hostage letter she found and yell at Sansa for not attempting to murder all the Lannisters singlehandedly at 13 or whatever, rather than suffering the indignity of writing a letter!! Except for strong brows, there’s not much the Stark Sisters have in common these days.
“Can’t remember which younger sibling can read minds, better not make any expression ever just in case.”
Arya (-1 point)
I know this was meant to be an extremely tense scene, but it was also just a montage of people peeking out at each other from dark corners.
“I’m watching.”
“I’m watching from here now.”
“Watching you from this corner now.”
“Now it is I who is watching.”
“I too am watching.”
Death Count: A Few
The Tarly Boys: “We are willing to die in the most terrible way in service to our queen Cersei.”
“Wait, what.”
Those two guards: A hammer to the head, what a way to go.
WTF, Who Knows?
Ocean’s Eleven
Jon is like, “I am the King of Mistakes, let’s all go out into the death snow” and everyone is like, “Yeah, good plan actually” like a bunch of morons. Now, Jon’s new gang doesn’t get on straight away! But that makes it fun, like that movie Suicide Squad! Oh wait that movie isn’t fun.
Okay, so the motley crew is just like that of The Exotic Marigold Hotel. They don’t get on straight away! “These blokes sold me to a witch!” says Gendry. “Hey, Jorah’s dad hunted and murdered my people!” says Tormund. “Awkward!!!” says someone, maybe.
“These guys seem fun, they should come,” says Jon.
Does it seem weird that they’re just marching out to meet terrible monsters, with the objective of KIDNAPPING ONE OF THEM? Yep! Good luck, stupid men.
“This is a terrible plan, let’s still do it though.”
“I wish being brave didn’t also mean being chilly.”
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Game of Thrones is streaming on Foxtel Now and airing on Showcase at 11am and 8.30pm every Monday.
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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.