50 Foolproof (But Definitely Terrible) Ways To Break Up With Someone
#45 “You constantly tag me in old memes. So I think you can see we're done here.”
Been on a few dates and just not feeling it anymore? Or maybe you’re looking for a fun and inventive way to end things with your husband of 47 years? Whatever the case may be, we’ve got you covered.
If (like most of us) you’re inherently shit at being the one to end things, here are 50 ways to break up with someone*.
*Results may vary.
#1 “It’s not you, it’s me.”
#2 Fake your own death.
#3 “Is it hot in here, or is this relationship suffocating me?”
#4 Move to 123 Yemen Road Yemen.
#5 “Maybe we should take a break… forever.”
#6 Slowly but surely become a terrible human in their eyes. That way they will be the one to break up with you and you won’t have to deal with it.
#7 “I think I should just focus on me, ya know?”
#8 Tell them that your time together has just become more effort than they’re worth.
#9 Ask them to listen to F**k It by Eamon.
#10 Ghost them.
#11 Hire a skywriter and do it in style.
#12 “I’d rather deep-fry my own hands than spend another moment with you.”
#13 “I’m changing my Netflix password…”
#14 “…And the locks to my apartment.”
#15 Tell them it’s not because you don’t like them – it’s because you hate them.
#16 “Ru Paul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” and I think it’s time for me to do me for a while, ya dig?”
#17 Spell it out with alphabet soup.
#18 “I found out you don’t like dogs, so understandably we’re done here.”
#19 Unfollow them on Instagram and pray they get the hint.
#20 Get your Mum to do it for you.
#21 Put a message in a bottle, throw it into the ocean then wipe your hands clean knowing the universe will take care of it for you.
#22 Via smoke signal.
#23 Leave them a messy 3AM voicemail (can’t relate).
#24 Key ‘YOU’RE DUMPED’ into their car door.
#25 Through a sequence of emojis.
#26 “You deserve better… and so do I.”
#27 Move interstate.
#28 “I just really need to focus on my dogs right now. You understand right?”
#29 “Let’s make like Ross and Rachel and take a break.”
#30 Write and perform to them a break up rap.
#31 Attach a message to your dog’s collar and let him do it for you. Anyone who gets mad at a sweet baby angel deserves to be dumped.
#32 Via a postcard after you’ve changed your identity and fled to a foreign land.
#33 “If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be…”
#34 “…but just to be clear, it isn’t.”
#35 Send them your obituary.
#36 “Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU.”
#37 “Buh-bye.”
#38 Do it via text.
#39 “My mum says I can’t see you anymore.”
#40 Buy them an Etch-A-Sketch with a pretty clear message already sketched.
#41 “You’re great, it was great. But I don’t feel that way about you, and I’m just not going to.”
#42 Fill them in on your already committed relationship with KFC Zinger burgers.
#43 “I have a lot going on in my life right now and I’m just not fit to be in any kind of relationship.”
#44 Just be real. Let them know you have no chemistry.
#45 “You constantly tag me in old memes.”
#46 “My therapist says we need some time apart.”
#47 Get your new boyfriend to do it for you.
#48 “Boy, bye.”
#49 Bite the bullet, sit them down and have the conversation. Yeah it’ll be awkward and yes, totally uncomfortable but you (and the person you’re dumping) will feel better afterward. Maybe not right away, but eventually.
#50 Or, link them to this article. (Not really.)
Bradley is a writer from regional NSW and he didn’t come here to make friends, he came to win. He tweets infrequently to his 45 followers @bradjohnston_.
(Lead image: The Break Up/Universal Pictures)