Life

5 Ways I Would Have Died Already If The Internet Didn’t Exist

From starvation to illness, the struggle is real.

If I could live in the internet, I would. Actually, I think we all probably would. There are a lot of cat videos and fun things to do, and no actual human interaction.

At the level of socially awkward I classify myself as being, that in itself is the main reason why the internet has kept me alive.

Here are five ways I would have died without the internet.

#1 Starvation

Do you know how many nights per week I’m unprepared and unwilling to cook dinner? At least six out of seven. Deliveroo, Menulog, Foodora (RIP), Uber Eats (admittedly only one of these is available to me and only has been for maybe 3 months) exist for a reason: because people are lazy.

Without these apps and websites sent straight from the internet gods, I don’t know what I would do. Before you @ me, I know food can be ordered on the phone, but a) that’s too much human interaction when I’m in my pyjamas and b) I wouldn’t know what the phone number would be without, wait for it, THE INTERNET. True story, my neighbour’s 2017/18 Yellow Pages is still decomposing on their porch and I’m invested on seeing how that ends up now.

#2 Embarrassment

The internet is useful in a lot of ways, but none are as important as reducing awkward conversations. Case in point: I did not pay heed to the warning on our work paper shredder about the 5 pages maximum. I watched them go in, listened to the machine struggle, hoped it would make it and then heard it go quiet (turns out the reverse button is designed for these situations, but by this point I was too far gone).

As someone a month into a new job, I did NOT want to tell my boss I had broken something. But with the office to myself late one afternoon, a lot of wikihow and some moderately dangerous moves involving shredder blades and scissors, I defeated the 5-page maximum and avoided talking to people. Thank you, internet!

#3 Illness

We all know you shouldn’t google any medical conditions or symptoms because they always turn out to be cancer, but we all do it anyway. And it’s quite possible that the natural remedies I implemented that fixed the disease I self-diagnosed didn’t have any impact whatsoever and I was getting better anyway, but I would like to think that my googling saved me from several diseases/several expensive doctors trips.

#4 Food Poisoning

I know, food poisoning is an illness. The difference between these points is that usually the internet stops me contracting food poisoning, rather than helping cure it.

Searching “how long is x good for?” is one of my most commonly used phrases because again, lazy. While this usually stops me contracting food poisoning, on the rare occasion I take a ‘yolo’ approach to food safety and wind up regretting it, I can just google how to fix it! Win-win really.

#5 Shame

Most of the good things I have in real life I got from the internet. I chose my car online. I applied for my job online. I picked my cat from the RSPCA website and bought her her favourite toy from a pet store several states away. Without the internet I would be broke, living at home with my parents (not itself a bad thing), with a faulty and old car and no parcel deliveries from online shops to get me through the week. What a world.

(Lead image: The IT Crowd / Channel 4)