Culture

The Dude Who Got Sent To Hospital After Sucking A Giant Dick Is The Hero 2018 Needs

Not all heroes wear capes. Some suck dong.

In this age of superhero over-saturation, it’s sometimes easy to forget that it doesn’t take a radioactive spider, a jar of special serum or a magic hammer to make a truly aspirational hero — sometimes it just takes being absolutely ruined by a giant schlong. This is the story of a hero who sucked a 10-inch-penis and went to hospital.

To the casual observer, getting destroyed by a large weenus isn’t exactly impressive — but it’s the can-do attitude that makes a hero. It’s not about falling down — it’s about getting back up again and choking down another wang.

The aspirational story of Fredy Alanis is that of a young man who took a great selfie from his hospital bed after having his airway ruptured during a Grindr hookup, in which he “sucked a hulk-sized dick.”

The massive donger “literally ruptured his airway” according to Alanis, a horror story that quickly went viral.

However, it was in this interview with the literally perfect website them which showcased how much of a hero this poor dong-trodden boy actually is. He’s an avatar of queer resilience, a dick-phoenix rising from the chongus ashes.

Alanis notes that even though he knew “something was wrong” he continued his work and finished off the owner of the oversized dick.

“Yes. I wasn’t gonna stop,” he says. “In the heat of the moment my will power willed me to continue. Stamina.”

Honestly, what a hero.

Later on in the interview, he’s asked if the virality of his story will cause him any issues, and if his parents know whether he’s gay.

“They do,” he answers. “They just don’t know I’m a whore.”

What an icon.

Read the whole thing here.